Three Year Anniversary

It's been 3 years today since I've had the thymectomy. And just a month more than that since I was diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis. I can't believe it's been that long. Still feels like just yesterday.
3 years ago I couldn't smile, squint my eyes, see straight, feel my lips, swallow, or even talk at times. I was exhausted all the time. I would eat cereal and food would fall out of my mouth. That's when I started to think something was wrong. It wasn't until the inability to swallow, smile, or talk did I know for sure.
I thought for sure I was going to die in a hotel room by myself in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Definitely not a place I wanted to spend my last days.
And now, 3 years later, I'm still here. Although MG is a chronic auto-immune neuromuscular disease, it's quite treatable. It is still a struggle every single day. I still have awful awful days. There are still days that I can't feel my lips, see straight, swallow, or make my arms function properly. I still have to take pills every 4 hours. But when I remember back to what I was like, when I look at pictures of the non-facial expression, I can't help but be amazed at how much better I am. For some reason I think that's why I burn the candle at both ends. I try and fit as much into life that I can, right now while I have it. What else are we here for?

Life Goes Easy on me... most of the time

I hung out with Tracey, one of my favorite people and who I consider one of my best friends, this weekend. I've known Trace since, oh, probably pre-school. She's been one of my best friends though probably since some time in high school.  She's one of the ones where we don't see eachother often, but we can pick up like no time has passed.  Those are the good ones. 
Anyway... We were talking about marriage and kids and life and wondered how we got here. It seems like yesterday we were freshman in high school. And now, we're coming up on the 10 year reunion. How does this happen? We were talking about the crazy turns life takes and how we dealt with it. Trace has now been married for 5 years and they've been trying to have kids for the past 2. They just recently found out they couldn't have kids. After much thought and prayer they decided to adopt, BUT they're adopting embyros. This way she can carry the baby herself. It's not a guarentee though. The implant is happening in a few days. I'm excited, and nervous for them. We talked about the disappointment of not being able to have children. And I have to admit, I've had this thought about myself serveral times. First, for some reason I've just had this feeling that I won't be able to. I don't know why. And then second, I've been feeling more and more over the past few months that I'm running out of time. I talked about this with Alyssa when I visited NC. She assured me I have plenty of time, that maybe I know my future husband already, that I may just have to not wait 5 years to make it happen, or just not have the 4+ kids I wanted. I appreciate these thoughts, and I try not to get stuck on how I think it should happen. Trace is a perfect example of this, isn't she?  Life throws curve balls. You gotta go with it.
And I can't wait to see what happens in Trace's situation... I have a feeling it's gonna be pretty amazing.  She's good people.  I wanna be like her when I grow up.
And I really shouldn't complain. Life does go easy on me most of the time. But sometimes I get emotional and can't help but cry, "When is it my turn?"

Emotional Connection

How do you console someone who is super bummed about a musician dying, that they've never met... I understand music speaks to us all differently, and somehow there's this emotional connection with an artist even though we never meet them. We still feel like we know them for some reason. It's the whole John Lennon or Kurt Cobain thing too. But still, I don't know what to say. Or how to make it better. Sucks. I just sat there helpless. Not a good feeling.

Here Come the Waves

This one is a toughie to write. It's hard to admit when we've screwed up, isn't it? It's not so much the screw up, but it's the admission more I think. Admit to yourself, admit to others. I'm not sure everyone feels this way, but I know I have this feeling that I've disappointed people that maybe believed in me. And it's more likely that it's all in my head than actual reality. Blah. Hate this.
It started a few days ago I think. I don't know how it started though. I just knew I was frustrated. And I've been mean and passive aggressive, and people know it. But that all changed when we went to probably the best concert I've ever been to. The Decemberists at the Palladium in Hollywood was amazing! AH. MAZE. ING. Kinda have no words.
Happened again today though. I messed up, and said something I shouldn't have. I pried. I just wasn't thinking. And now... the passive agressiveness has begun again. I feel like I'm a teenager again, and super immature. Why am I acting like this?
And then, I did something stupid. I bought a present, out of spite I think. And the thing is, this person's going to love it. I hope it's worth it. In this process I came to the realization that I am a bit screwed up. I think that if I do something wrong, I try to buy back that person's love, or buy back good graces maybe in this case. It's silly. I know. But I can't think of any other reason. I was right in the middle of getting scolded when I decided it was going to happen. Seriously? Who does that?
Nothing is better. Yet at least. I don't know if it's just retaliation or if I'm reading more into it than I should be, but I'm just so frustrated. I don't want to be, but I am.


In other hilarious news, I wore my shirt inside out the entire day. Had no idea. Perfect.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

"Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, I heard it once, I heard it once in a lullaby. Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue. And those of you who dare to dream, dreams really can come true." original lyrics by E.Y. Harburg, adapted by Shawn McDonald.

Is it all just an alternate universe? The happiness. Does it only take place if we dare to dream it, and even then is it really only a dream? Do bluebirds only fly over the rainbow? The song says someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me... when is that day? Dreams really can come true, but only can. Not will. Not they definitely will come true. I don't even know what this song means. It's a sad song. It's of wanting something more. And yet, I think through it all there is this hope that it can be changed, even without the guarantee. It's kinda like my life.

Grey Sky Morning

It's been an interesting morning. I awoke with a gasp. Glanced at the clock and realized the alarm hadn't sounded and I was already 10 minutes late to meet my co-worker, Konstantine. I quickly gathered my remaining unpacked things, got myself ready, and met him in the lobby. Grabbed a quick yogurt and headed out to the car. While packing the trunk a box full of my papers and crap fell over and was strewn across the pavement, all the whilst 2 cars were waiting to pass and their drivers just sat there and stared at me. The morning was warm and humid, but the sun wasn't shining. My hair instantly became a football helmet of frizzyness, despite my straightening efforts. How do people live like this? Got to the familiar old Vantage building, a sight I haven't seen almost 3 weeks, where Konstantine handed the key off to me and told me to go up by myself, while he got coffee. :( Went up and got myself situated, and as soon as he returned I told him I was going down to get a cup for myself. As I walked down the stairs I looked forward to hearing my "preciate you". (is that wrong?) I filled up my cup and set it aside to get a creamer. However, I must have set it on a ridge in the counter, because all of a sudden my life was in slow motion. I could see the cup tipping over and the coffee spilling out, but I was helpless to stop it. All over the counter and all over the front of my skirt, coffee. I just stood there, thinking... is this really happening? Really?
Luckily, I am going home today, so I had an entire wardrobe in the trunk of the car. Two thumbs up for mornings that suck.

What Sarah Said

I just listened to the Death Cab for Cutie song "What Sarah Said". It's kind of a sad song, but one of the last lines in the song is "Love is watching someone die." Is that true? I mean, that doesn't define love. It's true, love isn't going to run if those are the circumstances. So it's a characteristic of love maybe. Love is going to stick it out 'til the end, no matter the circumstance. In health, and in sickness. In life, and in death. The last line asks, "who is going to watch you die?" And here I wonder. My family would stick it out. Who else? And then, the questions that everyone asks at one point or another is "Who would go to my funeral?" Who would care? Who have I influenced? Who have I touched? Who cares? Who loves/loved? Tough questions. And I can only hope I've made a difference. Do we really ever know if it's true?
Thoughts running through my head.