Everything In It's Right Place

I should be ecstatic. I was this morning at least. My team goes on to the ALCS. I love those boys. They play like it's little league. Like it's still a game. Like it's fun. And it is. I jumped out of my seat and screamed when Bobby hit that ball off the green monster, and then again when Vlad hit that first pitch. It was insane. Such a great comeback. And even more meaningful that it was against Boston. Love. I love love love this game.

Then... drove to meet the boy in San Clemente. I shouldn't have. And I'm not going to do that again.

Drove home mad. Walked into the apartment mad. Saw the toaster oven by the packed boxes and that was the last straw. It wasn't about the toaster even. So much like what I just drove away from. I knew things were going to change, but I guess I just hadn't prepared myself for it. No one told me what was happening, and I hate the miscommunication. I know it's not mine to lose, but I still feel the loss. Apparently there's a place for everything. And I have been put in my right place as well.

Horror

I just woke up. It's 12:06am and I just woke up. I must have fallen asleep studying again. Actually I think I let myself this time. I'm still in my sweatshirt and jeans, and haven't washed my face or brushed my teeth, but sometimes that's comforting. It's like a little dose of escape. I know I'd get better sleep if I'd just put on the pjs, but for some reason I won't let myself do that.
I don't normally dream when I sleep either. I don't really know what that means. I've been told that's false. We dream everytime, it's just a matter of remembering. I hardly ever remember. However, when it does happen, they tend to be doozies.
And the one I just now woke from was no exception. I don't know what was happening, I was definitely in a house. It was supposed to be my house, but it wasn't my house. I think I was cleaning. It felt like a long time, and I'm sure other things happened, that I don't remember. But I woke up just after I heard my mom screaming. It was a blood curdling scream. I didn't see my mom, but in my head I knew it was her. And in my head I knew I had to call 911, but I couldn't find the phone, and I couldn't get any words out. Panic. And then I woke up. But I can still hear her screaming, even awake. It's sort of haunting.
And now, I don't want to go get ready for bed. I don't want to put on my pjs, brush my teeth, or wash my face. If I fall back asleep, I might have to finish that dream, and I don't want to.

Seasons of Love

Autumn is quite possibly my favorite time of year. I'm happier here. Today was almost a perfect day.

Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns. ~George Eliot

Everyone must take time to sit and watch the leaves turn. ~Elizabeth Lawrence

There is a harmony in autumn, and a luster in its sky, which through the summer is not heard or seen, as if it could not be, as if it had not been! ~Percy Bysshe Shelley

I think I'll go to Boston...

I think I'll start a new life, I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name. I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather. I think I'll get a lover and fly 'im out to Spain... I think I'll go to Boston, I think that I'm just tired. I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind... I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset.

And the dream is alive again. The big move is back in my head with a vengeance. I had so much fun! My trip started with chatting with the many Angels fans on the plane. Strangers with a common interest, it's an amazing thing. You begin to feel like family. Bri picked me up at the airport and headed straight to the North End for dinner at Daily Catch and a famous cannoli from Mike's pastry. We both ordered the squid ink pasta. I definitely had my doubts, but it was seriously one of the best dishes I've ever eaten.

From the North end, we headed to Fenway Park for a surreal baseball experience! I was definitely torn between whether I should wear my Angels gear or not. I ended up only wearing my hat and the beloved red Angels Converse. Looking back I realize I could have went a little more blatant. The weather was cool and crisp, the stadium was full of excitement, and I was cheering on my team, in the oldest ballpark in the country, staring at the green monster. Perfect evening! 19 stadiums have been checked off the list.

The following morning, we hopped out of bed early to catch the commuter rail out to Cambridge. We walked around Harvard for a bit, but because Bri was on crutches still, it was maybe a little slower than I would've liked. I will have to go back.

I did overhear a funny piece of information when passing a tour guide. There is a statue of John Harvard in the square, but it isn't actually John Harvard. Every picture of Harvard burned in a fire, and so... they made him up. They just made him look scholarly, and sophisticated, and pretty much just how they thought he should look. Kinda like us westerners and Jesus? Right? :)

After leaving Harvard, we wandered around Cambridge for a bit. Peeked into some shops, had lunch at Wagamama (yum), then visited the Old Harvard Bookstore. I could have spent hours in there. We left Cambridge and headed out to Sommerville to try Kick Ass Cupcakes. This place had interesting flavors, but they were small, and not that good overall. It was no Sprinkles or Susie Cakes. Our cupcake of choice was The Green Monster: Chocolate cupcake with a chocolate beer ganache center and Sam Adams Cream Stout frosting. Perfectly Boston.

At this point, it was early afternoon, and we were heading back to Waltham to meet James and go to the Sam Adams brewery. As we headed back on the train it came to a sudden stop, all of the lights went out, and the entire train went silent. Nobody spoke. It was completely eerie. I was thinking of Knott's Berry farm and getting robbed. Luckily, it only took 5 minutes to get back on our route again. We picked up James, drove to the brewery... and discovered it closed early on week days! So I thought maybe we could try to catch the last duck tour instead of doing it the next day. Thanks to "Bruce" we quickly found our way and somehow found where we needed to buy tickets. Turned out it was starting about 1.5 blocks away, so Bri got a little head start while I bought tickets. James and I ran to get there on time, where we met Bri just as she was clacking up to the Quacker. We boarded & took off! The tour covered a lot, but I began to realize there was so much more history in this town then I had time to see. Our guide had loads of random facts, and our ride in the Charles river was beautiful! The sun was starting to set, and it the light was perfect.

After the tour, we decided the day had been crazy exhausting, and so, headed home to eat felafel's (hooray for James' amazing cooking) and watch Glee & The Office!

Friday morning, I braved the subway by myself, and headed off for a tour of Fenway Park. They were filming a movie in and around the park, so it was a little bit crazy. However, I was just walking down the street and yes, Ben Affleck definitely walked right past me! Before I even knew what was happening, he was gone. :) After lingering around the park a bit, I hopped back on the subway and made my way up to Boston Common. I did not have enough time there. I saw the beginning of the Freedom Trail, Frog Pond, the Swan boats, and glanced across the street at Cheers and the cemetery. Hopped back on the subway to meet up with Bri & James at the Sam Adams Brewery and to finally go on our tour! Our guide, Mike, was awesome, and everyone was pretty jealous of his current job, despite his recent passing of The Bar exam. We tasted 3 beers in the tasting room. The classic Boston Lager, Octoberfest, and Coastal Wheat (which wont be released to the public until Thanksgiving at the earliest). It was lemony and refreshing. Yum! Also found out about Utopias (check out Extreme Beers). It has the highest alcholol content of any beer, and is only distributed every 2 years. Even though it's illegal in some states and is a bit expensive, I seriously want to find me some. Maybe I can talk some friends into going in with me.

After the tour, we dropped off James and headed NW to Brattleboro, VT. A weird little town, that we later found out is the only town in the country where apparently public nudity is legal. We were staying at the Latchis Hotel & Theater, and dinner & a movie was kind of part of a package deal! We decided to watch In the Loop, and it was located in a bit of a smaller theater, 2 flights of stairs up. The screen was not much bigger then a projector screen that most churches/schools have, and the theater was creepy too. Just plain weird... there were chunks missing from some seats, the movie was slightly crooked, etc. We got led out the "easy" way because Bri was in still on the crutches. We went up some stairs into the projector room, and the employee kicked trash and buckets out of the way. He opened a kind of hidden door and all of a sudden we were in the hallway on the 2nd floor of the hotel. All we could do was laugh. The next morning we headed down by the river (bordering VT & NH) for a little Vermont breakfast, complete with Vermont Maple Syrup, and then hit the road again.

Our drive through New Hampshire to Maine was breath taking. The leaves were just beginning to turn Autumny with beauty around every curve, so the 3.5 hour drive flew by. I could've driven forever. We pulled into Portland around 3ish, picked up Bri's sister, Zoe, and headed to Beals. Yummy. Zoe then showed us one of her favorite shops, Abacus. I want one! I pretty much wanted everything in there. We stopped at the Promenade so I could put my feet in the Atlantic (even if it was just a Bay. Honestly, I think the Atlantic is a myth).

We headed back to the house to unpack a bit. I went for a walk along the Prom and took a lot of pictures. I love exploring by myself. I love the adventure. I headed back to the house for a home cooked meal (yummy cous cous) and a movie.

The next morning I awoke early to meet Brenda Piazza for breakfast down the street. Brenda works for the CBIZ San Diego office and she and I worked together a little over 3 years ago. Somehow we've kept in contact. I'm not sure how it happened, but I must have made an impression. It was one of the worst few months of my life when we met. Anyway, she happened to be in Maine for vacation, and decided to drive 2 hours to meet up with me for breakfast since I was leaving that day. :) It was lovely. Good to catch up a little bit. I haven't seen her in over 2 years and even though we both live in So. Cal, we were able to hang out in Maine. Kinda weird. As I was walking back to the house, I turned onto the street and heard a lady screaming and saw a bunch of people standing around in the street. What I saw next broke my heart. A beautiful Golden Retriever was hobbling around and whimpering, back legs obviously crushed. He finally just layed down, still breathing. It was awful. I felt helpless. And all I could do was keep walking.

Bri and I hung out with her fam for a bit longer, loaded up the car and headed back down to Boston. We made a stop for lunch in the town of Portsmouth, NH for fish & chips at a cute little pub. However, when we got there streets were blocked off, and the pub closed for the Bicycle Race that was going on. It was a sight to see. But alas, we didn't get the fish & chips.

We hopped back in the car, drove back to Boston, where we found Sake the sushi place. ;) There weren't that many people in the restaurant so we had 4 little Japanese ladies staring at Bri, and breathing down my neck the entire time we ate. I could seriously feel them hovering. The food was yummy though.

Bri then jumped in the driver's seat, and I was on my way back to California. It was one of the best trips ever. Too short, as all good trips are. I acquired all 4 shot glasses for the new states I visited. And can not believe I only have 5 states left. I'm going to have to get some new goals.

Winning a Battle, Losing the War

A bit overwhelmed I am. I feel like I'm juggling fine china, and desperately trying not to let anything drop or else result in the shattering of, my life in this case. I don't know how to keep up. I try to take one day at a time, but then there's always something that gets put on the back burner.

Sigh. I don't even know where to begin it's so muddled in my head.

The thing I've been talking about most is "The Challenge". This is the new crazy big financial audit that I'm in charge of for SCRRA. There is just so much about this job, that I feel like I'm not going to be able to keep my head above water. Meanwhile, the manager on the job talks to me like I'm a 5 year old. And this pisses me off. It is true, that I haven't done too many jobs like this one. And I probably don't know as much as I should. But he doesn't need to talk down to me. Just give me a some guidance. And all the while, I have other jobs that I'm trying to finish. (Infrastructure, if you're me, you'll understand what this is.) I have the weirdest job.

I need to go to the dentist.

I helped host my little sister's bridal shower this morning. I think it turned out well. I was in charge of games. The one game that I thought was fantastic was a musical game. Where I played a clip from a song that had the word "love" in the title and the guests had to guess the song and artist.

How deep is your love – The Bee Gees – 1:52
Bleeding Love – Leona Lewis - :38
Love & Marriage – Frank Sinatra – 1:54- 2:09
Endless Love – Luther Vandross (Mariah Carey) - :06-:20
Accidentally In Love – Counting Crows – 1:07-1:25
Groovy Kind of Love – Phil Collins – 2:04-2:30
All you Need is Love – The Beatles - :30-:42
Love In an Elevator – Aerosmith – 3:32
Make you Feel my Love – Adele – 1:29-1:52
Can’t Get Enough of Your Love, Babe – Barry White
Seasons of Love – Rent - :33-:44
Because You Loved Me – Celine Dion – 2:40-2:55
You Are Loved – Josh Groban – 2:08-2:36
I Will Always Love You – Whitney Houston – 2:40-2:49
Can You Feel the Love Tonight – 2:02-2:14


I think it went over pretty well. I had fun with it anyway. I also made her bouquet out of the ribbons from the presents. That turned out awesome also. I'm good at those for some reason. Beth's turned out pretty cool too. I told Auntie Dorothy that if it's never going to happen for me, atleast I'm good at making other people's bouquets. She scoffed at me, and I saw mom shoot me a dirty look.

I don't sleep enough.

I leave for Boston this week. I've been waiting for this trip since April. Get to see the Angels play at Fenway too. I keep telling people that this trip could change my life and I might not return because I will just end up moving there instead. We'll see how it goes. We stay in Vermont on Friday night, and Maine on Saturday night, and then home again home again on Sunday. Crazy.
I don't think I'm going to pass the CPA. Seems nearly impossible. I'm supposed to take another part on October 3rd, but I feel like I should postpone it. Studying is hard.

I called a loan officer to inquire about getting pre-approved for a home loan. We played phone tag for a few days. I was supposed to call her back the next day. That was 2 weeks ago.
We need to start looking for another roommate. The one that was in charge of everything is ending up to be bad with money, and has turned in our rent late for the past 3 months. Our cable went out on Thursday because she couldn't pay the cable bill. She failed to mention that she was having problems until the day before. Pissed.

Apparently auto-immune diseases run in the family. They're crazy rare in the general population, and now all 3 of us girls have something. How weird is that?

Did I mention I don't sleep enough?

My relationships are taking a toll on me. Haven't seen the guy I'm supposed to be dating in 3 weeks and therefore, haven't told him how frustrated I am with the lack of progression in our relationship. However, I have been ignoring calls. Okay, honestly I have been just busy when he calls. But still, I haven't returned the call. I have seen one of my friends that I don't see very often twice in the past 3 weeks. I had been doing very good with keeping the healthy distance though. Well on the way to "breaking up". And funny enough it seems he's doing the same thing. Is it a double standard? I want to be the one to pull away, but I want to know that I was appreciated. That I meant something. If I'm just going to fade away, it was a lot of investment into a relationship for naught. I think it's happening, and yes, it makes me sad. I had an opportunity to explain why I need to pull away, but I chickened out. sigh. I keep second guessing myself though as to why it needs to happen, maybe it isn't inevitable.

And this is just the stuff that is actually happening. These aren't even the battles raging in my brain. There are plenty of those as well.

I feel like if I only take one thing at a time something will slip and it will all crumble. So then I try and tackle it all at once, which also results in failure. Maybe stepping back a few days will help. Or else it will just all be waiting here when I return. Winning a battle, losing the war.

Revelry

Born to run baby, run like a stream down a mountainside. With the wind at my back I won't ever even bat an eye.

I think I'm emotionally damaged. I've started dating someone new. It's been about 2 months, and it's still physically awkward. We don't touch. I hug hello, I hug goodbye. That's it. It's like starting from scratch every single time we see each other. I'm frustrated. I'm exhausted after every time I see him because it's so much work to be with him. I mean, I don't really feel like myself. It's not comfortable. I feel like my body language is open, flirty, and fun. And yet, nothing. I guess I should take some responsibility, but I think that it's mostly just him. From what I've seen, he's a cheesy Christian. And I'm not sure I'm okay with that. I'm definitely not like that. Or atleast anymore. I feel like he's very naive about some things, and I'm not sure I want to stick around to open his eyes. He is 3 years younger than I am, and granted I've changed a lot in the last 3 years. So it's possible for him. But I think that I was forced into. Life circumstances change you. Not for the worse, and not necessarily for the better. Just changed. Sigh. It should work. He's a nice guy. And he likes me. But honestly, I don't know that we have anything in common. It's getting to the point where I'm avoiding his calls and ignoring his texts. That's not right. I think I've realized a few things about myself, and characteristics that I'm looking for in a spouse. I don't necessarily need him to be the "bread winner", but I need him to be smart about money and have shit together. I want him to be bold, and take initiative. I want him to be interested in sports, and be willing to play them as well. I want him to be funny and make me laugh. I want him to love Jesus, but be willing to hear doubts and frustrations without judgment. Am I being too picky?
I think I'm very guarded as well. It takes a lot for me open up about certain things. And that has always been the case. I've never been very physically affectionate. I don't know why that is either. But once I'm "forced" into it, I'm good. It's more comfortable. This is why I think I'm emotionally damaged. I don't really know how to fix that. I wish I was different.

So the time we shared, it was precious to me. All the while I was dreaming of revelry.

Panic Switch

I don't know why it happens. Like a tidal wave the panic consumes me at times. The most recent episode was yesterday. I'm studying for the CPA exam, and realized that I'm not ready. That I'm not going to be ready by the time my test is scheduled. I think I have to postpone it. I think it's the best thing. But I really wanted to bust it out, be brilliant, and be done with it. It doesn't work like that. Things have happened to distract my efforts. There will always be things that distract my efforts.