I've been rolling around an idea in my mind for some time now. You know, the kind of morsel that you just have to suck on in order for it to be any good.... and as soon as you bite down to chew, the experience, the flavor, the moment is lost forever.
The idea is a move. A big move. I've been thinking this for years, and probably should have done it straight out of college, but comfort zones take over and common sense wins out.
It really doesn't make sense to move. My entire family is here, and they are my support, my best friends. My job is here. And in this economy it just isn't smart to be starting something new, when you have stability where you are. My friends are here. And sometimes I feel like I don't have room in my life for anymore. And yet, why do I feel like I'm going no where?
Moving would mean a fresh start. Trying something for myself. Getting a new social circle. Meeting someone new? Someone special? Being independent. Relying on God and not myself for a change. I think it would be good for me.
I'm stuck in Indiana by myself right now. Maybe that's where all these thoughts are coming from. Just that being away really wouldn't be so bad. Realizing that I need a clean break from relationships that already exist in my life. I'm just not sure I can do it.
If I actually bite down will the excitement, the flavor, the magic of the idea be gone?
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Saturday, February 28, 2009
And so it begins...
Travel season is underway! Two back to backers this year. (Indianapolis & Nashville). This is the first time I've done that. I've said that I've been very panicked about it though, and haven't quite been able to voice my reasons for the panic. I think being away from home for 2 months is a big part of it. And I'm doing work that I haven't done in 2 years, so that makes me a little nervous. I'm going to a new location I've never been before (Indy), which is a little bit of an adventure. And I'm going with a new guy I've only had lunch with once. Spending 2 months with a person tends to make or break you. I have this fear that we'll end up hating eachother. I tend to get irritated easily. I don't mean to. It kinda just happens. And if I couldn't get along with Seth (who I hate to admit is probably one of my best friends these days) for a full 4 weeks last year, how the hell am I going to handle a new guy? He has some big shoes to fill. I've been out on these projects with Seth for the past 2 years. I think another part of the panic is whether I'll be able to do this without him there. I should be able to do this alone, or atleast have a good time with the new guy, but I think Seth and I get eachother. We had similar work styles, and late nights, and interests. We'll see how it goes...
Happy March. How did we get here? How the hell?
Happy March. How did we get here? How the hell?
Monday, February 23, 2009
Beautiful Oblivion
Starry nights city lights coming down over me
Skyscrapers and stargazers in my head.
Tonight I attempted to see the comet. I love stars... and tonight it was soooo clear. If only my complex were not as well light as it is. I think I would like to invest in a telescope. Is that too A Walk To Remember? If I tell a boy not to fall in love with me, will it actually happen?
Skyscrapers and stargazers in my head.
Tonight I attempted to see the comet. I love stars... and tonight it was soooo clear. If only my complex were not as well light as it is. I think I would like to invest in a telescope. Is that too A Walk To Remember? If I tell a boy not to fall in love with me, will it actually happen?
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Who Am I?
There is this facebook trend going on right now where everyone writes 25 things about themselves. It's supposed to be things no one else really knows, or just random things about you. Why did that take me 2 hours to do? Do I not know myself? Truth is, I'm not sure that I do. I may have gotten lost in what I think others think of me, and have slowly become that person. I may have lost myself somewhere along this path I've taken. That saddens me. I keep thinking that once I find myself, I will find or be found by my husband. How do I find myself? It's not something anyone else can do for you.
I wrote a note today for a former junior high student of mine that is now in the hospital on suicide watch. It was meant to be encouraging. I always thought that was one of my spiritual gifts. Encouragement. The note was written in bright markers and looked very cheery. But when I was finished writing it I had this fear that I had over done it somehow. That it would have the reverse effect. So I gave it to one of my co-workers to read and asked if it was okay, or if it would make a suicidal person even more suicidal. He replied... no I think it's good, makes me think you're not incredibly happy with your own life though. :(
This what I wrote:
hello lovely [t], I miss seeing your beautiful face. :) I really wish I got to see it more. Your smile makes me smile. You... my dear... are incredible. You are brave and courageous. I wish I had your spunk. I pray you know how important you are. You are! Do not doubt that. Even for a second. You have a purpose. You may not fully know what that is yet... I don't fully know what my purpose is yet, and I'm old ;p. But isn't that part of the adventure of this life? When I'm having a rough time I keep thinking that It gets better than this. It always does. You just have to choose to Hope. One day at a time. The bigger picture is sometimes overwhelming. One day at a time. Let me tell you who you are. In fact, let me proclaim who you are. You are an heir of God and a co-heir with Christ (Rom 8:17). You are eternal, like an angel. (Luke 20: 36) You have a crown that will last forever. ( I Cor. 9:25). You are a holy priest ( I Pet. 2:5) a treasured possession (Exod 19:5). You were chosen before the creation of the world (Eph 1:4). You are destined for "praise, fame, and honor, and you will be a holy people to the Lord your God." (Duet 26:19). But more than any of the above - more significant than any title or position - is the simple fact that You Are God's Child! "The Father has loved us so much that we are called children of God. And we really are his children." (I John 3:1) Believe it! :) You matter. I love ya kiddo... as soooo many do. You're special!
Am I any good at what I have a passion for? This is the 2nd junior higher that I've been involved with that's tried to commit suicide in the past 2 years. When I was at my other church, I had 2 pregnant 15 year olds in my small group.
It is true, I too have been a little blue lately. I don't know whether that's just the work stress, or the weather, or the MG, or the post holiday depression. Or if it really is something more than that. I've always said that it's a decision... your attitude is a decision. You choose how you're going to be. Happy, sad, mean, nice, selfish, thankful.... it's all a decision. But right now, I'm not so sure.
Well, here are the 25 things that are true about me. As of right now anyway.
1. It is my life goal to visit all 50 states. I only have 10 left to go. (Alaska, Connecticut, Maine, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, North Carolina, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Vermont, & West Virginia ) oh, and I collect a shot glass from all that I go to. Once I get the 50, I'll have to move on to Countries.
2. Someday I'll make it to all 30 Major League Baseball stadiums. So far I've ht 14. They're all super unique, so don't make me choose my favorite. I would love to go on your baseball trip Jen!
3. I love Kettle Korn. I'm eating it as I type. BUT I've often wondered if freshly made kettle korn tastes like Manna from Heaven.
4. I think Freinds is probably the best television show ever. Although The Office is pretty stellar as well. Tough one folks.
5. While playing softball in Mexico one summer, our team was on a Mexican radio commercial. I can't remember what we said though. But I can totally remember the studio.
6. I love to sleep, but for some reason have a hard time actually doing that. I have always thought that i would miss something if I went to sleep. I really need to get over that. My health suffers because of my lack of sleep.
7. The simple things make me happy, and one them is to give and get real mail. That's right. REAL Mail. Snail mail. U.S. Post. Put a stamp on it baby!!
8. I have broken 3 bones, and have had 4 major surgeries and 1 minor surgery. But I'm not a klutz, or sickly.
9. I have this unexplicable love for music by Queen. I really don't get how that happened.
10. I wish I could Crimp my hair every single day. I think it's the best hairstyle ever. I definitely own my own crimper, but don't use it enough.
11. I'm a little bit, okay more than a little bit, obsessed with checking my email. It's become a habit I can't break.
12. It bothers me when boys call me "man". Girls can call me man, but not boys. Is that weird?
13. For most of my life I've had a fear of talking to people I don't know. It was to the point where I didn't even want to order at a fast food restuarant or on the phone. I still don't like it, but I've definitely gotten better at it. Sometimes I say what I'm going to say or have just said to myself under my breath to make sure I said it correctly.
14. Fourteen is my number. My favorite number.
15. I love stars. Dark clear nights with hundreds of stars out makes me gasp. Too bad where I live has the crazy light pollution. Also - I think paying to name a star is a waste of money.
16. I have always wanted to be a writer. Not necessarily as a career, but write in such a way that it changes people or makes people think.
17. I wish I was more political.
18. I can't help but quote movie lines when I know them and sing along with songs that I know. I know it probably bugs people, but sometimes i can't help myself.
19. Sometimes I get scared that if I become too independent I won't know how to share my life with someone, whenever he comes around.
20. I have a little book where I write down cool quotes that I hear or read. It's one of my most treasured things.
21. Brushing my teeth is one of my favorite things to do. Perhaps that's why I've never had a cavity. Although I do have the man made million dollar smile and still wear my retainer when I sleep because of it. NERD.
22. I sleep with 6 regular size pillows and 1 body pillow, and sometimes still think it's not enough.
23. The sound of cracking bones gives me the willies. knuckles, backs, necks, feet. anything. And yet, secretly wish I could do it to relieve some stress.
24. My most vivid nightmare was after watching Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and thinking my hands were going to get chopped off.
25. I would like to get a tattoo. I can't make a decision to save my life though, so how would I be able to choose what I'd like to stick with me for life?
I wrote a note today for a former junior high student of mine that is now in the hospital on suicide watch. It was meant to be encouraging. I always thought that was one of my spiritual gifts. Encouragement. The note was written in bright markers and looked very cheery. But when I was finished writing it I had this fear that I had over done it somehow. That it would have the reverse effect. So I gave it to one of my co-workers to read and asked if it was okay, or if it would make a suicidal person even more suicidal. He replied... no I think it's good, makes me think you're not incredibly happy with your own life though. :(
This what I wrote:
hello lovely [t], I miss seeing your beautiful face. :) I really wish I got to see it more. Your smile makes me smile. You... my dear... are incredible. You are brave and courageous. I wish I had your spunk. I pray you know how important you are. You are! Do not doubt that. Even for a second. You have a purpose. You may not fully know what that is yet... I don't fully know what my purpose is yet, and I'm old ;p. But isn't that part of the adventure of this life? When I'm having a rough time I keep thinking that It gets better than this. It always does. You just have to choose to Hope. One day at a time. The bigger picture is sometimes overwhelming. One day at a time. Let me tell you who you are. In fact, let me proclaim who you are. You are an heir of God and a co-heir with Christ (Rom 8:17). You are eternal, like an angel. (Luke 20: 36) You have a crown that will last forever. ( I Cor. 9:25). You are a holy priest ( I Pet. 2:5) a treasured possession (Exod 19:5). You were chosen before the creation of the world (Eph 1:4). You are destined for "praise, fame, and honor, and you will be a holy people to the Lord your God." (Duet 26:19). But more than any of the above - more significant than any title or position - is the simple fact that You Are God's Child! "The Father has loved us so much that we are called children of God. And we really are his children." (I John 3:1) Believe it! :) You matter. I love ya kiddo... as soooo many do. You're special!
Am I any good at what I have a passion for? This is the 2nd junior higher that I've been involved with that's tried to commit suicide in the past 2 years. When I was at my other church, I had 2 pregnant 15 year olds in my small group.
It is true, I too have been a little blue lately. I don't know whether that's just the work stress, or the weather, or the MG, or the post holiday depression. Or if it really is something more than that. I've always said that it's a decision... your attitude is a decision. You choose how you're going to be. Happy, sad, mean, nice, selfish, thankful.... it's all a decision. But right now, I'm not so sure.
Well, here are the 25 things that are true about me. As of right now anyway.
1. It is my life goal to visit all 50 states. I only have 10 left to go. (Alaska, Connecticut, Maine, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, North Carolina, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Vermont, & West Virginia ) oh, and I collect a shot glass from all that I go to. Once I get the 50, I'll have to move on to Countries.
2. Someday I'll make it to all 30 Major League Baseball stadiums. So far I've ht 14. They're all super unique, so don't make me choose my favorite. I would love to go on your baseball trip Jen!
3. I love Kettle Korn. I'm eating it as I type. BUT I've often wondered if freshly made kettle korn tastes like Manna from Heaven.
4. I think Freinds is probably the best television show ever. Although The Office is pretty stellar as well. Tough one folks.
5. While playing softball in Mexico one summer, our team was on a Mexican radio commercial. I can't remember what we said though. But I can totally remember the studio.
6. I love to sleep, but for some reason have a hard time actually doing that. I have always thought that i would miss something if I went to sleep. I really need to get over that. My health suffers because of my lack of sleep.
7. The simple things make me happy, and one them is to give and get real mail. That's right. REAL Mail. Snail mail. U.S. Post. Put a stamp on it baby!!
8. I have broken 3 bones, and have had 4 major surgeries and 1 minor surgery. But I'm not a klutz, or sickly.
9. I have this unexplicable love for music by Queen. I really don't get how that happened.
10. I wish I could Crimp my hair every single day. I think it's the best hairstyle ever. I definitely own my own crimper, but don't use it enough.
11. I'm a little bit, okay more than a little bit, obsessed with checking my email. It's become a habit I can't break.
12. It bothers me when boys call me "man". Girls can call me man, but not boys. Is that weird?
13. For most of my life I've had a fear of talking to people I don't know. It was to the point where I didn't even want to order at a fast food restuarant or on the phone. I still don't like it, but I've definitely gotten better at it. Sometimes I say what I'm going to say or have just said to myself under my breath to make sure I said it correctly.
14. Fourteen is my number. My favorite number.
15. I love stars. Dark clear nights with hundreds of stars out makes me gasp. Too bad where I live has the crazy light pollution. Also - I think paying to name a star is a waste of money.
16. I have always wanted to be a writer. Not necessarily as a career, but write in such a way that it changes people or makes people think.
17. I wish I was more political.
18. I can't help but quote movie lines when I know them and sing along with songs that I know. I know it probably bugs people, but sometimes i can't help myself.
19. Sometimes I get scared that if I become too independent I won't know how to share my life with someone, whenever he comes around.
20. I have a little book where I write down cool quotes that I hear or read. It's one of my most treasured things.
21. Brushing my teeth is one of my favorite things to do. Perhaps that's why I've never had a cavity. Although I do have the man made million dollar smile and still wear my retainer when I sleep because of it. NERD.
22. I sleep with 6 regular size pillows and 1 body pillow, and sometimes still think it's not enough.
23. The sound of cracking bones gives me the willies. knuckles, backs, necks, feet. anything. And yet, secretly wish I could do it to relieve some stress.
24. My most vivid nightmare was after watching Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and thinking my hands were going to get chopped off.
25. I would like to get a tattoo. I can't make a decision to save my life though, so how would I be able to choose what I'd like to stick with me for life?
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Scream
Where is the line between faking it and just hanging on because you know it's true, you just need some time to feel it again? Is it true that going through the motions, leads to real emotions? Sometimes I just want to scream.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Shake Shake Shake
Ever have one of those days that you just want to cry and desperately need a hug? It's been that kind of week. Few weeks actually. I don't know why really. Work has been rough, and I really think that's the worst of it. But I have been feeling like I've failed in most aspects of my life. It was one thing after another, I just screw up. Little things at times, like misspelling a word or not succeeding in the theme for my photos. But everything together made me crumble. It was just emotionally, spiritually, even physically draining. I shut everyone out because I just didn't want to talk about it, think about it, deal with it. And then those that I shut out got upset that they hadn't heard from me. One in particular. I don't really understand it. We normally talk everyday, and we didn't really talk in a week, and I'm pissing him off? Do I need to tell him everything that's going on in my life? I think he tells me pretty much everything that's going on in his, and I love it, but does that mean I need to reciprocate? He was, maybe is, one of my best friends. But recently I've been feeling like I need to protect myself a little more. That he can't be the one I tell everything to. That if he's that person for me, then I won't be as open to find someone else to be that person for me. Is that unfair? Maybe it is. Anyway, that's a whole other topic.
So my funk for the past couple weeks has kind of worn off. I'm not entirely sure why I've been so discouraged. Is it just me? Was there a full moon? Is it just post holiday depression? I don't know. Tomorrow Seth is coming for an "intervention". So I'll have to discuss the funk with him. I'll try and be as honest as I can. Sometimes I'm way too vague. He thinks he can fix me. But I don't think he can. I'll try to let him try. I think he needs to think he's making a difference. We'll see how it goes.
I'll keep trying to shake the funk. It happens every now and then. I'll continue to try and shake it.
So my funk for the past couple weeks has kind of worn off. I'm not entirely sure why I've been so discouraged. Is it just me? Was there a full moon? Is it just post holiday depression? I don't know. Tomorrow Seth is coming for an "intervention". So I'll have to discuss the funk with him. I'll try and be as honest as I can. Sometimes I'm way too vague. He thinks he can fix me. But I don't think he can. I'll try to let him try. I think he needs to think he's making a difference. We'll see how it goes.
I'll keep trying to shake the funk. It happens every now and then. I'll continue to try and shake it.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Starting Over
Sometimes I wish I could just start over. Life, relationships, career. Everything. There are so many things that I would do differently if given the chance. Sometimes a just want a redo. That's sort of how the new year feels. Like a brand new start, although I know that it truly isn't. I wish it were.
I have tremendous plans for this year. I want to pass the exam. I want to buy a house. I want to become a manager. I want to fall in love. I want to become a better photographer. I want to travel more. I find it strange though that when thinking of my plans for this year, falling in love is 4th? I want that now. I've wanted it for years. Why am I scared of it? What am I waiting for? For the longest time I've been focused on other things. Athletics, Education, Career, Independence. Now that I have all those things, where am I? And the older I get the more independent I get. And that scares me even more. I want someone to share things with. I worry that I've been on my own for so long that I won't know how to share my life with someone. I don't know how to be vulnerable. I shut myself off too quickly.
So here, in 2009, I can pretend to start over. I can learn to do things differently than how I've done them in the past. I will keep an open mind. I will learn from my mistakes. And I will try new things. I think I want to be a little more dependent, as scary as that is.
I have tremendous plans for this year. I want to pass the exam. I want to buy a house. I want to become a manager. I want to fall in love. I want to become a better photographer. I want to travel more. I find it strange though that when thinking of my plans for this year, falling in love is 4th? I want that now. I've wanted it for years. Why am I scared of it? What am I waiting for? For the longest time I've been focused on other things. Athletics, Education, Career, Independence. Now that I have all those things, where am I? And the older I get the more independent I get. And that scares me even more. I want someone to share things with. I worry that I've been on my own for so long that I won't know how to share my life with someone. I don't know how to be vulnerable. I shut myself off too quickly.
So here, in 2009, I can pretend to start over. I can learn to do things differently than how I've done them in the past. I will keep an open mind. I will learn from my mistakes. And I will try new things. I think I want to be a little more dependent, as scary as that is.
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