Revelry

Born to run baby, run like a stream down a mountainside. With the wind at my back I won't ever even bat an eye.

I think I'm emotionally damaged. I've started dating someone new. It's been about 2 months, and it's still physically awkward. We don't touch. I hug hello, I hug goodbye. That's it. It's like starting from scratch every single time we see each other. I'm frustrated. I'm exhausted after every time I see him because it's so much work to be with him. I mean, I don't really feel like myself. It's not comfortable. I feel like my body language is open, flirty, and fun. And yet, nothing. I guess I should take some responsibility, but I think that it's mostly just him. From what I've seen, he's a cheesy Christian. And I'm not sure I'm okay with that. I'm definitely not like that. Or atleast anymore. I feel like he's very naive about some things, and I'm not sure I want to stick around to open his eyes. He is 3 years younger than I am, and granted I've changed a lot in the last 3 years. So it's possible for him. But I think that I was forced into. Life circumstances change you. Not for the worse, and not necessarily for the better. Just changed. Sigh. It should work. He's a nice guy. And he likes me. But honestly, I don't know that we have anything in common. It's getting to the point where I'm avoiding his calls and ignoring his texts. That's not right. I think I've realized a few things about myself, and characteristics that I'm looking for in a spouse. I don't necessarily need him to be the "bread winner", but I need him to be smart about money and have shit together. I want him to be bold, and take initiative. I want him to be interested in sports, and be willing to play them as well. I want him to be funny and make me laugh. I want him to love Jesus, but be willing to hear doubts and frustrations without judgment. Am I being too picky?
I think I'm very guarded as well. It takes a lot for me open up about certain things. And that has always been the case. I've never been very physically affectionate. I don't know why that is either. But once I'm "forced" into it, I'm good. It's more comfortable. This is why I think I'm emotionally damaged. I don't really know how to fix that. I wish I was different.

So the time we shared, it was precious to me. All the while I was dreaming of revelry.

Panic Switch

I don't know why it happens. Like a tidal wave the panic consumes me at times. The most recent episode was yesterday. I'm studying for the CPA exam, and realized that I'm not ready. That I'm not going to be ready by the time my test is scheduled. I think I have to postpone it. I think it's the best thing. But I really wanted to bust it out, be brilliant, and be done with it. It doesn't work like that. Things have happened to distract my efforts. There will always be things that distract my efforts.

Three Year Anniversary

It's been 3 years today since I've had the thymectomy. And just a month more than that since I was diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis. I can't believe it's been that long. Still feels like just yesterday.
3 years ago I couldn't smile, squint my eyes, see straight, feel my lips, swallow, or even talk at times. I was exhausted all the time. I would eat cereal and food would fall out of my mouth. That's when I started to think something was wrong. It wasn't until the inability to swallow, smile, or talk did I know for sure.
I thought for sure I was going to die in a hotel room by myself in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Definitely not a place I wanted to spend my last days.
And now, 3 years later, I'm still here. Although MG is a chronic auto-immune neuromuscular disease, it's quite treatable. It is still a struggle every single day. I still have awful awful days. There are still days that I can't feel my lips, see straight, swallow, or make my arms function properly. I still have to take pills every 4 hours. But when I remember back to what I was like, when I look at pictures of the non-facial expression, I can't help but be amazed at how much better I am. For some reason I think that's why I burn the candle at both ends. I try and fit as much into life that I can, right now while I have it. What else are we here for?

Life Goes Easy on me... most of the time

I hung out with Tracey, one of my favorite people and who I consider one of my best friends, this weekend. I've known Trace since, oh, probably pre-school. She's been one of my best friends though probably since some time in high school.  She's one of the ones where we don't see eachother often, but we can pick up like no time has passed.  Those are the good ones. 
Anyway... We were talking about marriage and kids and life and wondered how we got here. It seems like yesterday we were freshman in high school. And now, we're coming up on the 10 year reunion. How does this happen? We were talking about the crazy turns life takes and how we dealt with it. Trace has now been married for 5 years and they've been trying to have kids for the past 2. They just recently found out they couldn't have kids. After much thought and prayer they decided to adopt, BUT they're adopting embyros. This way she can carry the baby herself. It's not a guarentee though. The implant is happening in a few days. I'm excited, and nervous for them. We talked about the disappointment of not being able to have children. And I have to admit, I've had this thought about myself serveral times. First, for some reason I've just had this feeling that I won't be able to. I don't know why. And then second, I've been feeling more and more over the past few months that I'm running out of time. I talked about this with Alyssa when I visited NC. She assured me I have plenty of time, that maybe I know my future husband already, that I may just have to not wait 5 years to make it happen, or just not have the 4+ kids I wanted. I appreciate these thoughts, and I try not to get stuck on how I think it should happen. Trace is a perfect example of this, isn't she?  Life throws curve balls. You gotta go with it.
And I can't wait to see what happens in Trace's situation... I have a feeling it's gonna be pretty amazing.  She's good people.  I wanna be like her when I grow up.
And I really shouldn't complain. Life does go easy on me most of the time. But sometimes I get emotional and can't help but cry, "When is it my turn?"

Emotional Connection

How do you console someone who is super bummed about a musician dying, that they've never met... I understand music speaks to us all differently, and somehow there's this emotional connection with an artist even though we never meet them. We still feel like we know them for some reason. It's the whole John Lennon or Kurt Cobain thing too. But still, I don't know what to say. Or how to make it better. Sucks. I just sat there helpless. Not a good feeling.

Here Come the Waves

This one is a toughie to write. It's hard to admit when we've screwed up, isn't it? It's not so much the screw up, but it's the admission more I think. Admit to yourself, admit to others. I'm not sure everyone feels this way, but I know I have this feeling that I've disappointed people that maybe believed in me. And it's more likely that it's all in my head than actual reality. Blah. Hate this.
It started a few days ago I think. I don't know how it started though. I just knew I was frustrated. And I've been mean and passive aggressive, and people know it. But that all changed when we went to probably the best concert I've ever been to. The Decemberists at the Palladium in Hollywood was amazing! AH. MAZE. ING. Kinda have no words.
Happened again today though. I messed up, and said something I shouldn't have. I pried. I just wasn't thinking. And now... the passive agressiveness has begun again. I feel like I'm a teenager again, and super immature. Why am I acting like this?
And then, I did something stupid. I bought a present, out of spite I think. And the thing is, this person's going to love it. I hope it's worth it. In this process I came to the realization that I am a bit screwed up. I think that if I do something wrong, I try to buy back that person's love, or buy back good graces maybe in this case. It's silly. I know. But I can't think of any other reason. I was right in the middle of getting scolded when I decided it was going to happen. Seriously? Who does that?
Nothing is better. Yet at least. I don't know if it's just retaliation or if I'm reading more into it than I should be, but I'm just so frustrated. I don't want to be, but I am.


In other hilarious news, I wore my shirt inside out the entire day. Had no idea. Perfect.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

"Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, I heard it once, I heard it once in a lullaby. Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue. And those of you who dare to dream, dreams really can come true." original lyrics by E.Y. Harburg, adapted by Shawn McDonald.

Is it all just an alternate universe? The happiness. Does it only take place if we dare to dream it, and even then is it really only a dream? Do bluebirds only fly over the rainbow? The song says someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me... when is that day? Dreams really can come true, but only can. Not will. Not they definitely will come true. I don't even know what this song means. It's a sad song. It's of wanting something more. And yet, I think through it all there is this hope that it can be changed, even without the guarantee. It's kinda like my life.