Good Talk

Okay, so it's been the most hectic crazy week ever. Travel season has begun, and I've already spent 2 weeks out in Syracuse, NY. Come to think of it, I should be writing about that as well, but that's another story all together, and should be left for another day.

But this week I got to be home. The entire week. I flew home on Friday, and fly out again next Monday! I like this. But somewhere, deep in the back of my mind I really truly think that it would have been easier to just be away the entire time. Away from the people, appointments, obligations, etc.

So far this week I have not touched what I should have been working on, but am trying to wrap up another engagement that has been drug out way too long. I don't know how it got like this. I have zero direction, and zero management on a type of job that I do not do. But just when I believe it can't get any worse, in steps my hero. He has forever been my encouragement. I don't know where he pulls it from, or how he knows exactly when I need it. But he has been there on countless occasions in the exact moment I needed his pep talk the most. From day 1 of meeting him everyone has told me I should marry him. And honestly, we get along so well, I could see it working. But I do not feel that attraction. And that is huge. He pointed me in the right direction twice this week. I just happened to be on the phone with him while checking my CPA exam scores, and after months of it not being posted, there it was. It was so shocking, and I wasn't expecting it, and even though a failing score wasn't all that surprising, it still hit me hard. I cried. I cried and he heard me cry. And yet, the encourager steps up again. The very next night we had another good chat. I told him how much it meant to me that he's always been around. He hugged me. Everyday this week he's checked in on me. I can not begin to describe how good that feels. I used to have someone that checked in everyday, but it's getting less frequent these days. I think it's good to be reminded that I'm not as independent as I think I am. If that makes any sense.

I'm also finding that I've made a new friend. Sometimes I wonder if I have room for another super close friend, but I think I lie to myself in thinking that I really let people in and know me. The truth is, I have very few close friends. I'm cynical, and I hate that. I'm closed, and I like that less. This new friend is a bit younger, but has lived some life. And she seems to be hurting because of it. Tonight we hung out again, but it turned into a "why am I depressed" fest. I want to be more positive. I've been thinking that a lot lately... that I don't laugh as much as I used to. That I don't joke around or even that I'm not as nice as I once was. Where did this go? I resolve to be more positive. To live up to the middle name and have some Joy.

My mentor said to me this week - "hang in there, its just a test…your worth is IN CHRIST not the letters after your name or your title. You are making more of an impact in life as Alison versus a CPA." I need to remember this. Life as Alison.

Stream of Conscious

it's cold in central new york. and hotel rooms are sad. why have i not realized this before just now?
outside there's snow on the ground and i get to wear beanies and scarves and coats and gloves when i go out. i am a fan of this.
i did not bring appropriate work shoes for snow.
this weekend the olympics begin. in canada. saturday i will drive to canada. i am a fan of that as well.
oh how i love the olympics. i do not know why. it's the competition, it's the national pride, it's the world coming together. i don't know.
for some time now my favorite book has been pride & prejudice, but somewhere in the course of my life i have developed an obsession with this time period.
i just rewatched the PBS special mini-series on emma and heard the word "wanderlust" and think it very appropriate.
i think i lack the courage to actually pick up and move.
i should be studying.
i feel really good about audit, but will tell myself i failed so that if it happens i'm not crushed.
my hair is getting long again.
actually i should be sleeping.

hopelessly i feel like there might be something that i'll miss
hopelessly i feel like the window closes oh so quick
hopelessly i'm taking a mental picture of you now
'cause hopelessly the hope is we have so much to feel good about

Inadequacies

Several times this weekend I have felt like who I am, and what I do is not enough. Most of these instances I inflicted these feelings on myself. I see traits and talents in others that I wish that I had. Other times, it's a person challenging me to make something more of my life. And even though I know it's because he wants what's best for me, it still makes me feel like who I am now, and the life I've created, isn't complete.

I took a part of the CPA exam yesterday morning. I think I did better than I have been doing on tests, but I still highly doubt that I passed. It's crushing to me when I have to tell people this. I don't want to keep failing. I want to move on. I want to deliver good news. It's frustrating. I keep wavering between telling everyone that I'm taking the test, and not telling anyone. If I don't tell anyone, I won't have to tell anyone I failed.

I'm jealous of others' artistic talents. I want to take prettier pictures. I see talents in others that I wish that I had. I wish I could draw. I wish I sang better, or played an instrument better. I wish I could write to influence. I wish I had more time to commit to perfecting an art. I do too many things and the focus is spread too thin. Excelling in something requires more dedication. Unless of course you're just naturally talented.

And finally... I'm still unsure about the move. I was told I would not be complete until I get away from the family and really be on my own. I know this is a big reason why I wanted to go anyway, even though it's not the entire reason, and I think it's a valid point. But I really don't think that liking my family and wanting to be close to these people is wrong. I don't agree that I can't really be myself as long as I am hanging out with them. I don't think anyone can truly give you this advice. Here's the problem: People that have cut themselves off from their family have reasons why that happened in the first place, and people, like me, that haven't is because there hasn't been the need. I don't feel like it's an obligation. And so, is it really hindering me in life? Aaaaah. Is being too comfortable a bad thing?

I want to go back to the time when I didn't know the meaning of Fear.

Here I am Again.

I'm back here in Boston. This time it's pretty cold. I think the hope of this trip was to really figure out if I could live here. And already flying in I was thinking I would be crazy for moving. I am just coming off of Christmas with the family, and how the hell can I leave that? They're fantastic. But do I rely on them too much? I just don't know. I feel like I need to get out and figure myself out on my own. I need to get away from other stupid relationships. I keep saying that. But... it's really true. There is a tear of my soul. I don't think I can make this decision.

But seriously... what was I thinking not bringing my good camera here?! Silly me.

Tomorrow...
Tomorrow we hit Rhode Island and Connecticut. This will be 2 more states checked off the list, with only 3 more to go (West Virgina, South Carolina, and Alaska). I'm super giddy about this. My plan is to hit West Virgina on a weekend when I'm in Indianapolis. And to hit South Carolina on a weekend I'm in Birmingham. And then that will leave Alaska. I'm gonna finish with a bang. The Alaska Cruise. When? I have no idea. And I don't know who that will be with either. But that's the plan.

It's the final week of 2009. I feel like I've accomplished a lot this year. And yet... things that I wrote down at the beginning of the year... things that I wanted to do... things that were important to me... I blew right by. I feel like this year was rough on my MG, and in turn it was rough on my psyche...

It's like a vicious cycle. And I let myself flounder. What am I doing?! So... here I am again. Another year... another reflection... another beginning.

Life continues to confuse me.

War of My Life

Most of the time I don't let it get to me. I can usually continue through my day, and counter the effects. I usually do not complain about it. I can remember crying about it only once since it happened. But today I hate it. Today was cry number two. Today I don't feel right and it's not my fault. I hate that I can't even describe it. There is a disconnect between my brain and my body. But it's more than that even. I just want to melt into a puddle. My arms feel heavy and unresponsive. My legs feel like they're dragging. My lips feel almost numb, but not to the touch. Is that even possible? My lungs feel like they could implode at any moment. I am afraid to speak because I can not even form proper sentences. Today, however, my eyes are working properly. So that's positive. I take the pills, but they don't seem to be helping. Unless they are and it would just be unfathomably worse if I weren't taking them. I can't tell. I don't want to find out.
I could already feel it coming on last night, but I haven't learned how to prevent it yet. I don't know if it's possible. I couldn't wake up this morning. I mean, I woke up, but somehow my brain doesn't and it tricks me into thinking that if I just stay in bed I'll be better. So I stay. It sounds eerily like depression. I wonder that every once in awhile. If there's a side effect to the meds I'm on, or if something has changed within me. I feel weird. I don't feel like me. I could not concentrate at work, so I went home early and took a nap. That didn't help either. I forced myself to leave the apartment and hang out with friends. I had a good time, but I always feel like I'm not very good company when I feel like this. Like I need to explain why I'm not my normally happy engaging self.
I don't like to talk about it. It's weird that a disease that makes me physically weak and out of control makes me feel the same way psychologially if I talk about it. I don't want to be that girl with a disease. I don't want to be that girl that lets it rule her life. I've seen that too often.
And I deal. I'm in the war of my life. I'm at the core of my life. I've got no choice but to fight 'til it's done.

The World Spins Madly On...

What a whirlwind these past 2 weeks have been.

Sunday - Thursday Andie Hospital & LA & Riverside commute, Friday Angels game, Saturday Bachlorette Party, Sunday San Diego, Monday The Decemberists, Tuesday Rent, Wednesday Disneyland, Thursday Angels game, Friday Rehearsal, Wedding Saturday, U2 Sunday.

My little sister got married. That's weird. It was a really good day though. Rushed and crazy, but fantastic. I may have cried a little, which is super weird because I'm pretty much dead inside. I don't know how that happened. The worst tradition ever at weddings is the bouquet toss. Why are we all ashamed that we are single? I was standing on the dance floor already because it had just been the bridal party dance... so you can't just walk away. EVERYONE knows I'm single.... so I stood there.... and no one was joining me. Finally, a few girls trickeled up... but I, of course, was the tallest, and no one really was happy about standing up there. So Andie tossed the flowers, they came right at me... I stuck up my hand and grabbed them. Took one for team there. No one cared. Boo. I overheard my Mom saying goodbye to Kendal & Sonya. She said "We'll see you for Alison's wedding." Son said "Alison's getting married?!" Mom said, "well.... she caught the bouquet!" :(

The next day was U2. So we met up at 2:30 to Caravan out there, parked on the golf course, and had a little picnic. The Black Eyed Peas opened, and Slash made a little guest appearance. They were great! Then, U2. I don't know that there are words to express this event. The thousands of people there was the most impressive thing about the whole thing. I mean, don't get me wrong... it's U2... they're pretty fantastic. I feel like they're definitely a band you need to see in your lifetime, and I am so glad to have experienced that. It took about 2 hours to get out of the golf course "parking lot", and about an hour to get home. So I think I crawled into bed at 2:30 and woke up again at 5:20 to start my week all over again. 3 shot latte morning for sure. Worth it.

The email just came. "Hello, this is Ticketmaster Customer Service with an important alert for your upcoming event. Angels World Series -Game 2, scheduled at Angel Stadium of Anaheim with a date and time to be announced, has been cancelled." Sad day. Maybe next year. Count down to April begins again.

I wrote another letter. I get sappy when I write. I even wrote that in the letter. Letter writing is more intimate than emailing... is it more intimate than chatting? Is it more intimate than a phone conversation? Is it more intimate than a face to face conversation? No. But why do you feel like you can express yourself more deeply in writing? I think it's probably because you can't see the reaction of the person reading it. Does that make a difference?

And the spinning continues...

Everything In It's Right Place

I should be ecstatic. I was this morning at least. My team goes on to the ALCS. I love those boys. They play like it's little league. Like it's still a game. Like it's fun. And it is. I jumped out of my seat and screamed when Bobby hit that ball off the green monster, and then again when Vlad hit that first pitch. It was insane. Such a great comeback. And even more meaningful that it was against Boston. Love. I love love love this game.

Then... drove to meet the boy in San Clemente. I shouldn't have. And I'm not going to do that again.

Drove home mad. Walked into the apartment mad. Saw the toaster oven by the packed boxes and that was the last straw. It wasn't about the toaster even. So much like what I just drove away from. I knew things were going to change, but I guess I just hadn't prepared myself for it. No one told me what was happening, and I hate the miscommunication. I know it's not mine to lose, but I still feel the loss. Apparently there's a place for everything. And I have been put in my right place as well.