Insomnia is a bitch. I have never been a very good sleeper, but the past few weeks it's been the worst. It's gotten later and later...
And then when I finally do go to sleep, it's not a good sleep. I wake up feeling like I hadn't slept at all. Then the next day I walk around sluggish, cranky, emotional, and pretty much just in a daze. Very zombie like. Luckily I'm not craving brains. That would be bad.
I am considering drinking coffee again. I'm pretty sure it will help. At this point it's been just about 8 months without coffee. And honestly, I can't think of a reason why I'm still doing it. Just to be stubborn I guess.
Braaaaaaaaaaaaains.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Organized Spontaneity
Seriously... these "flash mobs" melt my heart. I get all giddy and teary and emotional every time I see something like this. I'm not sure why... it just strikes something deep in my soul. I LOVE them. This one is amazing.
Amazing.
Amazing.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Dreaming
I don't write enough. I've just gone back and reread some of the older posts and remember the days. I like that. It's the same with my photo project. I can remember little parts of every day when I look back on the photos of that year. It's the best thing ever. It's torture while I'm doing it though. (the photos at least, the writing isn't torture. It's just time consuming.) But I like the result. I guess that's the same with most things isn't it. It's a discipline. Nothing is easy.
The problem is now... since I've determined to be more positive I'm not exactly sure what to write about. Nothing has changed. I'm still as confused as ever.
I've had a few weird dreams in the past couple months. Now, let's remember that I do not dream very often, that I can remember. The first one was my wedding. This is the first time I've ever dreamt about my wedding. I dreamt that it was the day of and I was in my dress and getting ready. I remember my husband to be was there. He was really great. He got me a wedding day present, and I totally forgot anything to give to him. And then my sister wished him a Happy Birthday, and thought wait... it's your birthday too? That's weird. Why did I not know this? And then I panicked. I don't know this guy! Why am I marrying him? I can't marry him. I felt awful. So I called off the wedding! I remember him being so sweet and I felt that he adored me. And I ran out on him. Then the next day no one would talk to me. I vividly remember the panic. It was awful.
A few weeks later I had the engagement dream. But this was a really good dream. The timing of the engagement was super quick though... I remember I had just met him. And within weeks he asked me. I remember I said yes and this really surprised him. I remember him saying "Really? I was going to wait another month, but it just felt right!" But I remember being happy and super excited about it. I think this one might have been a prequel to the wedding dream. Another key fact was that he was just a bit shorter than me. Apparently I'm okay with that if I said yes. I don't know. Even in my dreams my guy can't be taller than me? Seriously?
And finally, my most recent dream is that I got a tattoo. And I know I've been thinking about it for a long time, and I think I do actually want to get it. Where I want it would be on my foot, and I think I've decided that I want the word "Hope". But I want it really designed... I think I've resolved it to sort of be in the "Big Fish" font. Kind of viney and branchy? I think that would look nice. Anyway... back to the dream. All I really remember is that I had just finished getting it and then the all familiar wave of panic sweeping over me and thinking "what did I just do?" That's about it.
So there's a common theme here. A lot of being scared of commitment. I'm not really sure what that means, except that I'm scared of commitment. :P Why? Not sure. Once again, I think I'm emotionally damaged some how. When did that happen?
I want to make some commitments. I'm ready. I think I'm ready.
The problem is now... since I've determined to be more positive I'm not exactly sure what to write about. Nothing has changed. I'm still as confused as ever.
I've had a few weird dreams in the past couple months. Now, let's remember that I do not dream very often, that I can remember. The first one was my wedding. This is the first time I've ever dreamt about my wedding. I dreamt that it was the day of and I was in my dress and getting ready. I remember my husband to be was there. He was really great. He got me a wedding day present, and I totally forgot anything to give to him. And then my sister wished him a Happy Birthday, and thought wait... it's your birthday too? That's weird. Why did I not know this? And then I panicked. I don't know this guy! Why am I marrying him? I can't marry him. I felt awful. So I called off the wedding! I remember him being so sweet and I felt that he adored me. And I ran out on him. Then the next day no one would talk to me. I vividly remember the panic. It was awful.
A few weeks later I had the engagement dream. But this was a really good dream. The timing of the engagement was super quick though... I remember I had just met him. And within weeks he asked me. I remember I said yes and this really surprised him. I remember him saying "Really? I was going to wait another month, but it just felt right!" But I remember being happy and super excited about it. I think this one might have been a prequel to the wedding dream. Another key fact was that he was just a bit shorter than me. Apparently I'm okay with that if I said yes. I don't know. Even in my dreams my guy can't be taller than me? Seriously?
And finally, my most recent dream is that I got a tattoo. And I know I've been thinking about it for a long time, and I think I do actually want to get it. Where I want it would be on my foot, and I think I've decided that I want the word "Hope". But I want it really designed... I think I've resolved it to sort of be in the "Big Fish" font. Kind of viney and branchy? I think that would look nice. Anyway... back to the dream. All I really remember is that I had just finished getting it and then the all familiar wave of panic sweeping over me and thinking "what did I just do?" That's about it.
So there's a common theme here. A lot of being scared of commitment. I'm not really sure what that means, except that I'm scared of commitment. :P Why? Not sure. Once again, I think I'm emotionally damaged some how. When did that happen?
I want to make some commitments. I'm ready. I think I'm ready.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
Life
Why does life get in the way of everything? Why do I keep putting off things I know I should be doing? I get so caught up in the moment that I can't see the big picture.
It was an emotional unsettling couple of days. Decisions needed to be made in a very short time period. I miss my best friend. I need to talk things out and family is good for that, but my friend... my friend and I have drifted apart it seems. And I don't know what to do. How do you tell someone they're your best friend and not know who you are to them. Shouldn't that be reciprocated? Maybe it's like the mini version of saying I love you?
Anyway... So I'm moving again. But not the big move as always talked about. It's still a thought. Just not as dominanting as it has been in the past. I'm moving to south county... closer to work, closer to stone. And I'm not living alone as I had anticipated for so long. This is probably the most unsettling. I think i had my mind made up that I was going to live alone, but an opportunity arose and now i'm not. surprise! I keep having to tell myself this is a good idea, this is going to work. I sure hope so.
I'm reading John Adams right now. I've been trying to get through it for awhile now. I just don't feel like I have the time to get it done. I think my favorite part of this book is the letters. I've always been a sucker for mail. Real mail. But the relationship between Abigail and John in letters is just amazing. They don't see eachother, yet they still have this very intimate relationship. It gives me hope I think. That there is passion like that out there. It gives me hope it still exists. I also like knowing there have always been fickle friends. Jefferson and Adams... are they friends, are they not? Daily it seems to change.
It was an emotional unsettling couple of days. Decisions needed to be made in a very short time period. I miss my best friend. I need to talk things out and family is good for that, but my friend... my friend and I have drifted apart it seems. And I don't know what to do. How do you tell someone they're your best friend and not know who you are to them. Shouldn't that be reciprocated? Maybe it's like the mini version of saying I love you?
Anyway... So I'm moving again. But not the big move as always talked about. It's still a thought. Just not as dominanting as it has been in the past. I'm moving to south county... closer to work, closer to stone. And I'm not living alone as I had anticipated for so long. This is probably the most unsettling. I think i had my mind made up that I was going to live alone, but an opportunity arose and now i'm not. surprise! I keep having to tell myself this is a good idea, this is going to work. I sure hope so.
I'm reading John Adams right now. I've been trying to get through it for awhile now. I just don't feel like I have the time to get it done. I think my favorite part of this book is the letters. I've always been a sucker for mail. Real mail. But the relationship between Abigail and John in letters is just amazing. They don't see eachother, yet they still have this very intimate relationship. It gives me hope I think. That there is passion like that out there. It gives me hope it still exists. I also like knowing there have always been fickle friends. Jefferson and Adams... are they friends, are they not? Daily it seems to change.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Good Talk
Okay, so it's been the most hectic crazy week ever. Travel season has begun, and I've already spent 2 weeks out in Syracuse, NY. Come to think of it, I should be writing about that as well, but that's another story all together, and should be left for another day.
But this week I got to be home. The entire week. I flew home on Friday, and fly out again next Monday! I like this. But somewhere, deep in the back of my mind I really truly think that it would have been easier to just be away the entire time. Away from the people, appointments, obligations, etc.
So far this week I have not touched what I should have been working on, but am trying to wrap up another engagement that has been drug out way too long. I don't know how it got like this. I have zero direction, and zero management on a type of job that I do not do. But just when I believe it can't get any worse, in steps my hero. He has forever been my encouragement. I don't know where he pulls it from, or how he knows exactly when I need it. But he has been there on countless occasions in the exact moment I needed his pep talk the most. From day 1 of meeting him everyone has told me I should marry him. And honestly, we get along so well, I could see it working. But I do not feel that attraction. And that is huge. He pointed me in the right direction twice this week. I just happened to be on the phone with him while checking my CPA exam scores, and after months of it not being posted, there it was. It was so shocking, and I wasn't expecting it, and even though a failing score wasn't all that surprising, it still hit me hard. I cried. I cried and he heard me cry. And yet, the encourager steps up again. The very next night we had another good chat. I told him how much it meant to me that he's always been around. He hugged me. Everyday this week he's checked in on me. I can not begin to describe how good that feels. I used to have someone that checked in everyday, but it's getting less frequent these days. I think it's good to be reminded that I'm not as independent as I think I am. If that makes any sense.
I'm also finding that I've made a new friend. Sometimes I wonder if I have room for another super close friend, but I think I lie to myself in thinking that I really let people in and know me. The truth is, I have very few close friends. I'm cynical, and I hate that. I'm closed, and I like that less. This new friend is a bit younger, but has lived some life. And she seems to be hurting because of it. Tonight we hung out again, but it turned into a "why am I depressed" fest. I want to be more positive. I've been thinking that a lot lately... that I don't laugh as much as I used to. That I don't joke around or even that I'm not as nice as I once was. Where did this go? I resolve to be more positive. To live up to the middle name and have some Joy.
My mentor said to me this week - "hang in there, its just a test…your worth is IN CHRIST not the letters after your name or your title. You are making more of an impact in life as Alison versus a CPA." I need to remember this. Life as Alison.
But this week I got to be home. The entire week. I flew home on Friday, and fly out again next Monday! I like this. But somewhere, deep in the back of my mind I really truly think that it would have been easier to just be away the entire time. Away from the people, appointments, obligations, etc.
So far this week I have not touched what I should have been working on, but am trying to wrap up another engagement that has been drug out way too long. I don't know how it got like this. I have zero direction, and zero management on a type of job that I do not do. But just when I believe it can't get any worse, in steps my hero. He has forever been my encouragement. I don't know where he pulls it from, or how he knows exactly when I need it. But he has been there on countless occasions in the exact moment I needed his pep talk the most. From day 1 of meeting him everyone has told me I should marry him. And honestly, we get along so well, I could see it working. But I do not feel that attraction. And that is huge. He pointed me in the right direction twice this week. I just happened to be on the phone with him while checking my CPA exam scores, and after months of it not being posted, there it was. It was so shocking, and I wasn't expecting it, and even though a failing score wasn't all that surprising, it still hit me hard. I cried. I cried and he heard me cry. And yet, the encourager steps up again. The very next night we had another good chat. I told him how much it meant to me that he's always been around. He hugged me. Everyday this week he's checked in on me. I can not begin to describe how good that feels. I used to have someone that checked in everyday, but it's getting less frequent these days. I think it's good to be reminded that I'm not as independent as I think I am. If that makes any sense.
I'm also finding that I've made a new friend. Sometimes I wonder if I have room for another super close friend, but I think I lie to myself in thinking that I really let people in and know me. The truth is, I have very few close friends. I'm cynical, and I hate that. I'm closed, and I like that less. This new friend is a bit younger, but has lived some life. And she seems to be hurting because of it. Tonight we hung out again, but it turned into a "why am I depressed" fest. I want to be more positive. I've been thinking that a lot lately... that I don't laugh as much as I used to. That I don't joke around or even that I'm not as nice as I once was. Where did this go? I resolve to be more positive. To live up to the middle name and have some Joy.
My mentor said to me this week - "hang in there, its just a test…your worth is IN CHRIST not the letters after your name or your title. You are making more of an impact in life as Alison versus a CPA." I need to remember this. Life as Alison.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Stream of Conscious
it's cold in central new york. and hotel rooms are sad. why have i not realized this before just now?
outside there's snow on the ground and i get to wear beanies and scarves and coats and gloves when i go out. i am a fan of this.
i did not bring appropriate work shoes for snow.
this weekend the olympics begin. in canada. saturday i will drive to canada. i am a fan of that as well.
oh how i love the olympics. i do not know why. it's the competition, it's the national pride, it's the world coming together. i don't know.
for some time now my favorite book has been pride & prejudice, but somewhere in the course of my life i have developed an obsession with this time period.
i just rewatched the PBS special mini-series on emma and heard the word "wanderlust" and think it very appropriate.
i think i lack the courage to actually pick up and move.
i should be studying.
i feel really good about audit, but will tell myself i failed so that if it happens i'm not crushed.
my hair is getting long again.
actually i should be sleeping.
hopelessly i feel like there might be something that i'll miss
hopelessly i feel like the window closes oh so quick
hopelessly i'm taking a mental picture of you now
'cause hopelessly the hope is we have so much to feel good about
outside there's snow on the ground and i get to wear beanies and scarves and coats and gloves when i go out. i am a fan of this.
i did not bring appropriate work shoes for snow.
this weekend the olympics begin. in canada. saturday i will drive to canada. i am a fan of that as well.
oh how i love the olympics. i do not know why. it's the competition, it's the national pride, it's the world coming together. i don't know.
for some time now my favorite book has been pride & prejudice, but somewhere in the course of my life i have developed an obsession with this time period.
i just rewatched the PBS special mini-series on emma and heard the word "wanderlust" and think it very appropriate.
i think i lack the courage to actually pick up and move.
i should be studying.
i feel really good about audit, but will tell myself i failed so that if it happens i'm not crushed.
my hair is getting long again.
actually i should be sleeping.
hopelessly i feel like there might be something that i'll miss
hopelessly i feel like the window closes oh so quick
hopelessly i'm taking a mental picture of you now
'cause hopelessly the hope is we have so much to feel good about
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