I read a blog the other day that hit on so much of what has been going through my mind the past few months. And if I'm being honest, it's been going through my head the past few years. I have several friends that are feeling this same way. And I think it's very interesting that even though we're all in different places, and have vastly different backgrounds, we have all come to a very similar conclusion. Why is that? What happened? Some of what is written below comes from that blog, but all was inspired by it. Happy to finally get some thoughts written out.
It really did just happen this way. Not intentional at all.
I'm tired of being a Christian. It seems like a past life. When I wore the bracelets, and had the stickers on my car, and bought the hype. Now I look back and think, wow, I fell victim to the commercialization of Christ.
I'm tired of being a Christian. I'm tired of what that means today. This word seems to be something to be ashamed of, not because of who we follow, but because of who also claims this title. I am tired of being a Christian, and God tells me, “It’s just a name. It’s just a label. And I have given you a new name. I am calling you Mine.” But you don’t just go around telling people that, now do you? Because the Christian title is one worn with great pride and at great cost. It is protected by many. It is even culturally relevant, accepted, assumed. When the masses are carrying the current a certain direction it’s pretty hard to feel like the right thing for you to do is to swim against the flow of status quo.
The problem for me really comes down to the definition of Christian. And my definition is obviously skewed and slanted and messy and disfigured. I can’t hold onto a title that I’ve been asked to honor, when the title is leaving me bitter and angry and lying to myself. People screw things up. And it's hard to get past that.
I am, oddly enough, not tired of Christ. I am in awe of the story of a rebel with a cause. A great cause. A cause that refused to be muddled up by the preconceptions of what it “should” be. I am in awe of the Creator of all things. And despite my insignificance, I am in great conversation with a God who seems to know my name and my heart far greater than I have ever given Him credit for. I am in shock that my religion has kept me so far from Him. And even more in shock that I was absolutely sure for years that I knew Him because I knew the rules of my religion.
This idea has been slowly forming for me in the past few years. I am grateful for the foundation that I have. It has shaped me, and given me solid basis for who I am and what I want to be. I don't think I would change it. But things happened and cynicism kicks in. I started to question the reason behind why we're doing some things, why we're told to believe certain things. What it really comes down to is Love. Seems simple enough. People matter. Love matters.
I'm tired of being a Christian if being a Christian means needing to give an explanation for every action I take.
I'm tired of being a Christian if being a Christian means that everything fits in to some neat little box, where we pretend nothing is ever wrong.
I'm tired of being a Christian if being a Christian is topical and glazes over important issues.
Every single day of my life is unpaved territory, and I’m being led by an unsafe (yet good) God who delights in mystery, wonder, the unexpected and JOY and He sure as hell doesn’t wrap everything up with a nice neat little bow for me. He lets me wrestle with my questions for as long as it takes. And you know what? I really like that about Him. He has far less problems with my imperfections than I do, and He refuses to make me be something I'm not. There is hope.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
Worst, Best, Real.
Yesterday I had one of the most horrible days I've had in a long time. It started the night before actually. I have been working up in downtown LA for the past week or so, and I've been taking the train up. Which I'm actually a huge fan of. The only problem is that I need to be on the train at 6:12am. That's right... early. It's still dark out when I drive over to the station. Anyway... the early mornings may wear on my sanity at times.
So, on Thursday the manager of my job was planning to come out into the field and I suggested he take the train. He agreed and we coordinated times. This in itself wasn't so bad. I should probably give some background though. I used to call this guy my friend. I wouldn't say that anymore. He's done some pretty shitty things in the past year. Things I find it hard to overlook. So to begin with I wasn't looking forward to this day. Anyway, back to the horrible day. He texted me Wednesday night to say that he was actually going to drive because he had to run an errand in LA after work, but that he could pick me up at the train station at 6:10, we could carpool downtown together, and I could train home. For some reason I agreed to this. He then texted and asked me to text him in the morning to make sure he was awake at 5:25. I replied "set an alarm". I was already not looking forward to this day, but this was the moment when I began to boil. Seriously? You're an adult. You should be able to handle waking up.
So 5:11 hits, I press snooze. 5:21 hits and I get out of bed. I had a brief thought to actually text, but decided not to on principle. I am out the door by 6:05, and at the station at 6:10 and begin to walk to where he was going to pick me up. At 6:11 I got a text that said, "Smidty, my phone has been going in and out and the alarm turned off. I'll be there in 20". Sigh. Okay. So I just wait. It's still dark out at this point. I take a seat on one of the planters and wait. I figure the next train is a half hour later, but he should be there before that. I made friends with the station agent. I made friends with some construction workers. They kept checking in on me. Still here huh? Hasn't shown up yet huh? One of them said, "I hope this isn't a date. If it is, he's failing big time." I assured them it was not. The next train came and went. I had texted to see if I should get on that, no response. 50 minutes from the initial text, and the 20 minute warning, he shows up. He apologized at this point and promised to buy me lunch, but I was pretty huffy and didn't let him off the hook right away. And by this time the 5 has become a parking lot, even in the carpool lane. Actually, it seems every north or west bound freeways in all of Southern California had become a parking lot. So, we sat in traffic. He hoed and hawed the whole ride about traffic. He tried to make small talk. I didn't oblige I gave short answers. I've already resolved from past experience that I did not need or want to be friends with him. And that I would only talk about work related issues with him. But he kept asking about my life, therefore, short answers were needed. He cussed out cars that were following to closely, or that may have cut him off.
We got to the client by 9am, and by this point I'd already been up since 5ish. The rest of the day we bickered back and forth. There was underlying hostility and we both knew it. He decided to change his plans and ran his errand at lunch time. So, instead of buying me lunch, I ate alone.
I took the train home as planned, despite his request for me to drive home with him. I stayed later than I had planned and I was exhausted. On top of all this, my client sucks. My staff didn't show up. I feel useless.
I cried on the train ride home. I didn't mean to it just happened. When I get tired I get emotional and when my eyes get tired they water. It's not a sobbing real cry with all the emotions tied to it. It's just tears streaming down my face, and it can't be stopped. I think I worried the guy sitting across from me.
I had been updating my roommate of the happenings all day. She, of all people, understands the loathing, and how awful this day was. Even though it was my night to make dinner, she offered. It was fantastic. And she got me presents. She got us December chocolate calendars. You know, those calendars you open once a day in December counting down the days to Christmas? She got me Pumpkin butter! :) She knows I love the pumpkin. AND she got us Golden Spoon for dessert and we watched Sex and the City 2. Best roomie award for sure.
sigh.
I'm beginning to realize that certain people bring out the worst in me. Yesterday's guy glaringly stands out these days. When I'm around him I become bitter and mean. And I am normally not like that at all. I wonder why that is. And it's not that I can't help it. I think I can actually. When I'm with him I WANT to be mean. I don't feel like he's done anything to deserve my favor. I know I'm supposed to love all, but he makes it difficult. I don't like who I become when I'm with him.
So if someone brings out the worst in me, there is probably someone that brings out the best in me as well. Right? I was thinking about this last night. I was thinking about marriage, and how it's usually said that the person you marry should bring out the best in you. And I'm not sure I'm totally on board with this. Can you always be your best? I mean, I think there are moments of course. But we're obviously going to fail. It's life. I think we should be looking for a person you are real with. I'm not sure that person comes around all too often. I think that person is the rarity. The one in a million. And then with the real comes the soaring to greatness, comes the highs but also the lows. This is the person to go through life with.
Perhaps I make no sense. Today was a long one. Worst... Best... Real.
So, on Thursday the manager of my job was planning to come out into the field and I suggested he take the train. He agreed and we coordinated times. This in itself wasn't so bad. I should probably give some background though. I used to call this guy my friend. I wouldn't say that anymore. He's done some pretty shitty things in the past year. Things I find it hard to overlook. So to begin with I wasn't looking forward to this day. Anyway, back to the horrible day. He texted me Wednesday night to say that he was actually going to drive because he had to run an errand in LA after work, but that he could pick me up at the train station at 6:10, we could carpool downtown together, and I could train home. For some reason I agreed to this. He then texted and asked me to text him in the morning to make sure he was awake at 5:25. I replied "set an alarm". I was already not looking forward to this day, but this was the moment when I began to boil. Seriously? You're an adult. You should be able to handle waking up.
So 5:11 hits, I press snooze. 5:21 hits and I get out of bed. I had a brief thought to actually text, but decided not to on principle. I am out the door by 6:05, and at the station at 6:10 and begin to walk to where he was going to pick me up. At 6:11 I got a text that said, "Smidty, my phone has been going in and out and the alarm turned off. I'll be there in 20". Sigh. Okay. So I just wait. It's still dark out at this point. I take a seat on one of the planters and wait. I figure the next train is a half hour later, but he should be there before that. I made friends with the station agent. I made friends with some construction workers. They kept checking in on me. Still here huh? Hasn't shown up yet huh? One of them said, "I hope this isn't a date. If it is, he's failing big time." I assured them it was not. The next train came and went. I had texted to see if I should get on that, no response. 50 minutes from the initial text, and the 20 minute warning, he shows up. He apologized at this point and promised to buy me lunch, but I was pretty huffy and didn't let him off the hook right away. And by this time the 5 has become a parking lot, even in the carpool lane. Actually, it seems every north or west bound freeways in all of Southern California had become a parking lot. So, we sat in traffic. He hoed and hawed the whole ride about traffic. He tried to make small talk. I didn't oblige I gave short answers. I've already resolved from past experience that I did not need or want to be friends with him. And that I would only talk about work related issues with him. But he kept asking about my life, therefore, short answers were needed. He cussed out cars that were following to closely, or that may have cut him off.
We got to the client by 9am, and by this point I'd already been up since 5ish. The rest of the day we bickered back and forth. There was underlying hostility and we both knew it. He decided to change his plans and ran his errand at lunch time. So, instead of buying me lunch, I ate alone.
I took the train home as planned, despite his request for me to drive home with him. I stayed later than I had planned and I was exhausted. On top of all this, my client sucks. My staff didn't show up. I feel useless.
I cried on the train ride home. I didn't mean to it just happened. When I get tired I get emotional and when my eyes get tired they water. It's not a sobbing real cry with all the emotions tied to it. It's just tears streaming down my face, and it can't be stopped. I think I worried the guy sitting across from me.
I had been updating my roommate of the happenings all day. She, of all people, understands the loathing, and how awful this day was. Even though it was my night to make dinner, she offered. It was fantastic. And she got me presents. She got us December chocolate calendars. You know, those calendars you open once a day in December counting down the days to Christmas? She got me Pumpkin butter! :) She knows I love the pumpkin. AND she got us Golden Spoon for dessert and we watched Sex and the City 2. Best roomie award for sure.
sigh.
I'm beginning to realize that certain people bring out the worst in me. Yesterday's guy glaringly stands out these days. When I'm around him I become bitter and mean. And I am normally not like that at all. I wonder why that is. And it's not that I can't help it. I think I can actually. When I'm with him I WANT to be mean. I don't feel like he's done anything to deserve my favor. I know I'm supposed to love all, but he makes it difficult. I don't like who I become when I'm with him.
So if someone brings out the worst in me, there is probably someone that brings out the best in me as well. Right? I was thinking about this last night. I was thinking about marriage, and how it's usually said that the person you marry should bring out the best in you. And I'm not sure I'm totally on board with this. Can you always be your best? I mean, I think there are moments of course. But we're obviously going to fail. It's life. I think we should be looking for a person you are real with. I'm not sure that person comes around all too often. I think that person is the rarity. The one in a million. And then with the real comes the soaring to greatness, comes the highs but also the lows. This is the person to go through life with.
Perhaps I make no sense. Today was a long one. Worst... Best... Real.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Zombie
Insomnia is a bitch. I have never been a very good sleeper, but the past few weeks it's been the worst. It's gotten later and later...
And then when I finally do go to sleep, it's not a good sleep. I wake up feeling like I hadn't slept at all. Then the next day I walk around sluggish, cranky, emotional, and pretty much just in a daze. Very zombie like. Luckily I'm not craving brains. That would be bad.
I am considering drinking coffee again. I'm pretty sure it will help. At this point it's been just about 8 months without coffee. And honestly, I can't think of a reason why I'm still doing it. Just to be stubborn I guess.
Braaaaaaaaaaaaains.
And then when I finally do go to sleep, it's not a good sleep. I wake up feeling like I hadn't slept at all. Then the next day I walk around sluggish, cranky, emotional, and pretty much just in a daze. Very zombie like. Luckily I'm not craving brains. That would be bad.
I am considering drinking coffee again. I'm pretty sure it will help. At this point it's been just about 8 months without coffee. And honestly, I can't think of a reason why I'm still doing it. Just to be stubborn I guess.
Braaaaaaaaaaaaains.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Organized Spontaneity
Seriously... these "flash mobs" melt my heart. I get all giddy and teary and emotional every time I see something like this. I'm not sure why... it just strikes something deep in my soul. I LOVE them. This one is amazing.
Amazing.
Amazing.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Dreaming
I don't write enough. I've just gone back and reread some of the older posts and remember the days. I like that. It's the same with my photo project. I can remember little parts of every day when I look back on the photos of that year. It's the best thing ever. It's torture while I'm doing it though. (the photos at least, the writing isn't torture. It's just time consuming.) But I like the result. I guess that's the same with most things isn't it. It's a discipline. Nothing is easy.
The problem is now... since I've determined to be more positive I'm not exactly sure what to write about. Nothing has changed. I'm still as confused as ever.
I've had a few weird dreams in the past couple months. Now, let's remember that I do not dream very often, that I can remember. The first one was my wedding. This is the first time I've ever dreamt about my wedding. I dreamt that it was the day of and I was in my dress and getting ready. I remember my husband to be was there. He was really great. He got me a wedding day present, and I totally forgot anything to give to him. And then my sister wished him a Happy Birthday, and thought wait... it's your birthday too? That's weird. Why did I not know this? And then I panicked. I don't know this guy! Why am I marrying him? I can't marry him. I felt awful. So I called off the wedding! I remember him being so sweet and I felt that he adored me. And I ran out on him. Then the next day no one would talk to me. I vividly remember the panic. It was awful.
A few weeks later I had the engagement dream. But this was a really good dream. The timing of the engagement was super quick though... I remember I had just met him. And within weeks he asked me. I remember I said yes and this really surprised him. I remember him saying "Really? I was going to wait another month, but it just felt right!" But I remember being happy and super excited about it. I think this one might have been a prequel to the wedding dream. Another key fact was that he was just a bit shorter than me. Apparently I'm okay with that if I said yes. I don't know. Even in my dreams my guy can't be taller than me? Seriously?
And finally, my most recent dream is that I got a tattoo. And I know I've been thinking about it for a long time, and I think I do actually want to get it. Where I want it would be on my foot, and I think I've decided that I want the word "Hope". But I want it really designed... I think I've resolved it to sort of be in the "Big Fish" font. Kind of viney and branchy? I think that would look nice. Anyway... back to the dream. All I really remember is that I had just finished getting it and then the all familiar wave of panic sweeping over me and thinking "what did I just do?" That's about it.
So there's a common theme here. A lot of being scared of commitment. I'm not really sure what that means, except that I'm scared of commitment. :P Why? Not sure. Once again, I think I'm emotionally damaged some how. When did that happen?
I want to make some commitments. I'm ready. I think I'm ready.
The problem is now... since I've determined to be more positive I'm not exactly sure what to write about. Nothing has changed. I'm still as confused as ever.
I've had a few weird dreams in the past couple months. Now, let's remember that I do not dream very often, that I can remember. The first one was my wedding. This is the first time I've ever dreamt about my wedding. I dreamt that it was the day of and I was in my dress and getting ready. I remember my husband to be was there. He was really great. He got me a wedding day present, and I totally forgot anything to give to him. And then my sister wished him a Happy Birthday, and thought wait... it's your birthday too? That's weird. Why did I not know this? And then I panicked. I don't know this guy! Why am I marrying him? I can't marry him. I felt awful. So I called off the wedding! I remember him being so sweet and I felt that he adored me. And I ran out on him. Then the next day no one would talk to me. I vividly remember the panic. It was awful.
A few weeks later I had the engagement dream. But this was a really good dream. The timing of the engagement was super quick though... I remember I had just met him. And within weeks he asked me. I remember I said yes and this really surprised him. I remember him saying "Really? I was going to wait another month, but it just felt right!" But I remember being happy and super excited about it. I think this one might have been a prequel to the wedding dream. Another key fact was that he was just a bit shorter than me. Apparently I'm okay with that if I said yes. I don't know. Even in my dreams my guy can't be taller than me? Seriously?
And finally, my most recent dream is that I got a tattoo. And I know I've been thinking about it for a long time, and I think I do actually want to get it. Where I want it would be on my foot, and I think I've decided that I want the word "Hope". But I want it really designed... I think I've resolved it to sort of be in the "Big Fish" font. Kind of viney and branchy? I think that would look nice. Anyway... back to the dream. All I really remember is that I had just finished getting it and then the all familiar wave of panic sweeping over me and thinking "what did I just do?" That's about it.
So there's a common theme here. A lot of being scared of commitment. I'm not really sure what that means, except that I'm scared of commitment. :P Why? Not sure. Once again, I think I'm emotionally damaged some how. When did that happen?
I want to make some commitments. I'm ready. I think I'm ready.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
Life
Why does life get in the way of everything? Why do I keep putting off things I know I should be doing? I get so caught up in the moment that I can't see the big picture.
It was an emotional unsettling couple of days. Decisions needed to be made in a very short time period. I miss my best friend. I need to talk things out and family is good for that, but my friend... my friend and I have drifted apart it seems. And I don't know what to do. How do you tell someone they're your best friend and not know who you are to them. Shouldn't that be reciprocated? Maybe it's like the mini version of saying I love you?
Anyway... So I'm moving again. But not the big move as always talked about. It's still a thought. Just not as dominanting as it has been in the past. I'm moving to south county... closer to work, closer to stone. And I'm not living alone as I had anticipated for so long. This is probably the most unsettling. I think i had my mind made up that I was going to live alone, but an opportunity arose and now i'm not. surprise! I keep having to tell myself this is a good idea, this is going to work. I sure hope so.
I'm reading John Adams right now. I've been trying to get through it for awhile now. I just don't feel like I have the time to get it done. I think my favorite part of this book is the letters. I've always been a sucker for mail. Real mail. But the relationship between Abigail and John in letters is just amazing. They don't see eachother, yet they still have this very intimate relationship. It gives me hope I think. That there is passion like that out there. It gives me hope it still exists. I also like knowing there have always been fickle friends. Jefferson and Adams... are they friends, are they not? Daily it seems to change.
It was an emotional unsettling couple of days. Decisions needed to be made in a very short time period. I miss my best friend. I need to talk things out and family is good for that, but my friend... my friend and I have drifted apart it seems. And I don't know what to do. How do you tell someone they're your best friend and not know who you are to them. Shouldn't that be reciprocated? Maybe it's like the mini version of saying I love you?
Anyway... So I'm moving again. But not the big move as always talked about. It's still a thought. Just not as dominanting as it has been in the past. I'm moving to south county... closer to work, closer to stone. And I'm not living alone as I had anticipated for so long. This is probably the most unsettling. I think i had my mind made up that I was going to live alone, but an opportunity arose and now i'm not. surprise! I keep having to tell myself this is a good idea, this is going to work. I sure hope so.
I'm reading John Adams right now. I've been trying to get through it for awhile now. I just don't feel like I have the time to get it done. I think my favorite part of this book is the letters. I've always been a sucker for mail. Real mail. But the relationship between Abigail and John in letters is just amazing. They don't see eachother, yet they still have this very intimate relationship. It gives me hope I think. That there is passion like that out there. It gives me hope it still exists. I also like knowing there have always been fickle friends. Jefferson and Adams... are they friends, are they not? Daily it seems to change.
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