The Sting

This has been a shitty week.  Coming off the high of Easter... Death... Oh, where is your sting?  It was a slap in the face.  Sting?  You want sting?  Here it is... Monday.  My very good friend and co-worker died on Monday.  I've been a wreck all week. 

I don't know even know where to begin here.  I don't have anything to compare this to.  I've never felt this before.  Steve just turned 28 last week.  How can he be gone now?  It's a very surreal feeling.  Like he'll be walking up behind me as I type this, just to say hi.  I've written about him a few times before.  He has seriously been my number one encouragement for the past few years.  He had an infectious smile and laugh.  He was simply positive.  All the time. 

I'm taking it pretty hard.  I know it's selfish, but I wish I could've seen him in the hospital.  I understand why I wasn't allowed to... and I am so grateful for his messages to me, giving me updates.  I got a text from him Saturday afternoon saying he was sorry he hadn't responded to my many calls and texts, but that he was working on an email.  I told him it was okay, I just wanted him to know I was thinking about him.  The email never came out.

I'm heartbroken.  I just don't understand any of it. 

Then Tuesday was another blow.  Tuesday one of my best friends had a miscarriage.  And I didn't handle that very well either.  They'd been trying to get pregnant for awhile, and finally shared the news with us a few weeks ago.  At that point she was only about 6 weeks in... So it was still very new.  But it was exciting.  A new adventure.  They were having trouble at the doctor on Tuesday, and she was giving me the play by play.  I had a bad feeling about it... and then I got the message about the miscarriage and i lost it. 
I've been struggling a lot lately with the concept of prayer. I believe in the power of prayer, I know that God hears it... I'm just... I don't know... I guess I just am having a hard time knowing that it makes a difference. I think God is going to do what He's gonna do... Doctor's will do what they can do... things happen. I don't think I am going to change it. I'm beginning to think that prayer is not to change things, but to make me different about things. And praying for someone doesn't necessarily mean things are going to change... but that I can not do anything else! I have no power, and prayer is acknowledging that.

So, yes.  It's been a shitty week.  And kind of a shitty year.  Pretty ready to move on to a new adventure.   I had lunch with a friend today, who is a mentor to me.  She told me people matter.  Work doesn't matter.  People matter.   Trust my instincts.  Do things in order to live without regret.  I have nothing to lose. 

"We are intrepid. We carry on"