Love Where I Live

The apartment complex that I live in has a slogan "Love where you live"... I wasn't really expecting this to be true... but somehow it happened.  I love it.  I love my apartment.  It's mine.  I think I did good decorating.  I have turquoise walls. Turquoise walls and red accents. Every time I walk in I think... wow... I live here. It is not a very big place.... but then again, it's just me.  Seth was at the bottom of the stairs... I asked if he was coming up... he didn't.  Disappointing.

But here's the thing. No one visits. No one.  It's important for me to have the people I care about know where I live.  And no one visits.  I think I'm finally done decorating, but still, no one visits.  I should have a dinner party. But there never seems to be a reason.  There should be a reason right?

But it is suuuuuuuuuuuper cute.  And I did just renew my lease... so I have another 16 months here.  Please come and visit....

Silence

Yesterday was a bad day.  I felt awful, I thought awful, spoke awful, and I did awful.  I was just a huge grump.  It carried over today.  I'm annoyed.   Therefore, I have decided that it would be better if I just kept my mouth shut.  That I should just be silent.  There are certain days, certain weeks, that I feel like I need to cut myself off from the world.  Normally there are a select few that get a pass on my silence... there really aren't any this time around.  No emails went out.  No text.  No Facebook.  No twitter.  Nothing in the personal life.

I did get a haircut.  It is always surprising at how much a haircut can perk me up. It changes everything.  And I love Karen.... she always makes me laugh... and she let's me wear her hair.  Let me explain... I really don't have a lot of say in what chages we make to the cut or color.  Karen's been my hair stylist for years.  I trust her completely.  When she says it's time to cut, we cut.  When it's time to change the color... color changed.  I can give suggestions or requests, but ultimately she makes the call.  She says "It's my hair, I just let you wear it." Quite right.  It is good.

I think I've lost my passion.  I can't remember what I'm good at.  Whenever I think I remember, or whenever I start to enjoy something I think is mine... someone one ups me.  I can't figure out if this is just me being competitve or if I really am not good at anything.  I once took pride in my love of music, my ability to know what bands will be good, and to be able to recommend good tunes to my friends.  Lately this hasn't been the case.  Someone else knows more than I do.  I am a traveler.  I have stories, I'm great at the little tips on making travel smoother, I was away for 119 days last year for goodness sake.  This is usually my claim to fame.  Lately... someone else claims to know more... I let her take the reigns.  Beer... nope... someone else know more.  Sports? Nope.... I don't even get that to myself anymore.  I've lost my uniqueness.  Nothing really sets me apart.  For some reason, this is important to me.  I need something for others to root for.... to admire.  I don't know what that is right now. 

Yesterday I asked a friend of mine what my usual state of being was... she said "drifting".  The answer I was really looking for "tired"... but she told me a little more... drifting means - on the move, not 100% sure of where you want to end up or what you want to do, but not in a pathetic way.  Like moving with purpose, even though the purpose is undefined. 

I am undefined.  Therefore... silence.

Inked

Let's cross off another item on the Life List!!!  I am officially inked. 

My favorite verse for as long as I can remember has been Romans 15:13. May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.


And 1 Corinthians 13:7 is "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." hopes... ALL THINGS! I love this. It is beyond incredible.

I've been through a lot in my life.  Crazy sickness, disappointment, loss of loved ones, etc.....  but in it all there is always the hope.  Hope that it'll get better, hope that there is a reason for all of this, hope that I am part of something bigger, hope that i can do some good with the grace that has been given to me.  Catch my drift?   So, without being super churchy cheesy tacky, I can still hang out with the God of hope.
Hope.

Holidays...

Remember, some people get socially overloaded during the holidays. Sometimes the best gift you can give them is quiet.

30 Day of Thankful - Day 10

I got questioned tonight.... digging at me to the core.  Why am I the way I am?  I am thankful for people that dig...  They make me think.

30 Days of Thankful - Day 8 & 9

30 Days of Thankful - Day 8: Laughter, people that appreciate my nerdiness, and learning new words... even if they're made up.

I laughed a lot yesterday.  I think the point in the trip where everything becomes hilarious is creeping in on me.  It's infinitely better than the point in the trip where everything becomes annoying.  :)   I honestly can not remember what I was laughing at, but I know there was a ton of out loud laughter.  And I'm beginning to realize that I tend not to laugh out loud.  This is something I'm trying to change... because seriously, I love to laugh.

I also made a ton of Doctor Who references.  I really really try and contain my nerdy when I'm around people that I know don't like what I like... but today I couldn't.  And at about reference number 10 I decided to make as many references about daleks, the TARDIS, time travel, sonic screwdrivers, and not blinking as I possibly could.  I lost count.  It was amazing.  And even if the coworkers only humored me about appreciating my nerdy, I know I truly have friends that like that about me.  I like it about me.

We've been trying to teach the people from Louisville words from California that they can take back with them.  Here are a few that came up:
Bomb.com (or just adding .com to any word... the response to this was, "I think I will need to educate the Kentuckians... I'm going to need to add .edu instead") 
Perfect (one guy uses this word so much that we've resorted to tallying them every day... it's fun)
Hyphy?
Thizz?
Hella?  (apparently these last 3 are primarily Bay area/ Nor Cal words... oh well)
Suckfully (this is one that I've been promoting for awhile... I don't think it's catching on)
Swow (super wow... of course)

Again... laughter.

30 Days of Thankful - Day 9: Confidants, the ridiculous, coffee, and hot water.

I am so thankful for people I can confide in.  And, inversely, people that confide in me. 

So much about the ridiculous I love.  People are weird.  And I love that.

Coffee... isn't this self explanatory?  I don't sleep well... coffee wins.

And a hot shower saved me today.  I was so cold, and so just... in a funk.  Hot water washes away the grim. 

30 Days of Thankful - Day 5, 6, & 7

30 Days of Thankful - Day 5: Generous friends, getting to explore new places & walking in the rain.

On Saturday morning I was picked up at my hotel in Berkeley by one of my college friends, driven to San Francisco, and treated to amazing breakfast follwed by spa and massage time at Burke Williams.  She said it was for my 30th birthday (which was about 7 months ago)... and really, how could I refuse that?  I gotta say... it's nice to be on the receiving side every now and then.  I am so thankful for the generosity of my friends.

After SanFran it was off to Walnut Creek to spend time with the former roomie.  It was wonderful.  It was a bit rainy, but that didn't stop us from hitting the cutesy town.   She's new to the area as well, so walked all over the place, exploring new places to eat, made note of new shops that needed to be hit, and making new friends.  She's going to do well there. 

30 Days of Thankful - Day 6: Honorary Family, First fires of the season, and apartment sitters.

My former roommate has become an honorary member of my family.  I can yell at her like I would yell at my family, I can be grouchy or silent and she won't get upset, and I can talk to her about anything.  She's been to our family gatherings so much... and finally the roles were reversed.  I got to spend time in Brentwood at the C Family residence and hang out with the parents.  It was so chill.  That's just lovely.  It was cold and rainy, and we built the first fire of the season.  Such a great Sunday. 

Before I left I had some problems with a smell in my garage.  Maintenance didn't think anything was wrong, but it still worried me.  And mostly it worried me because I wasn't going to be home for weeks.  And what ifs plague me.   I am thankful for the guy, I am thankful for the arrangement.  No matter how unorthodox it may be, I have to admit having the contact set my mind at ease.  I just need to decide how to handle it in the future.

30 Days of Thankful - Day 7: Creative outlets, beating the odds, and catching up.

It seems I've forgotten how many friends I have in the Bay area.  It's kind of funny!  So tonight I had dinner with an exgirlfriend of one my friends.  I met this girl years ago, and I wasn't sure about her at first.  I think I have that reaction towards most of the girlfriends.  But after spending some time with her, I realized how cool she was.  We got along really well.  And after the breakup, I stayed friends with her.  How could I not?  She's since moved from San Diego back to the Bay area, and just happens to work down the street from where I'm staying.  It was wonderful to catch up... and I am so thankful that against the odds we've remained friends.  We talked about how even though we're numbers people, we can still be creative.  She has her own little DIY blog at http://www.brittanymakes.com/.  She built the site herself, as well as just about everything she blogs about.  It's inspiring. 

I know good people.  I am thankful for that.