Born to run baby, run like a stream down a mountainside. With the wind at my back I won't ever even bat an eye.
I think I'm emotionally damaged. I've started dating someone new. It's been about 2 months, and it's still physically awkward. We don't touch. I hug hello, I hug goodbye. That's it. It's like starting from scratch every single time we see each other. I'm frustrated. I'm exhausted after every time I see him because it's so much work to be with him. I mean, I don't really feel like myself. It's not comfortable. I feel like my body language is open, flirty, and fun. And yet, nothing. I guess I should take some responsibility, but I think that it's mostly just him. From what I've seen, he's a cheesy Christian. And I'm not sure I'm okay with that. I'm definitely not like that. Or atleast anymore. I feel like he's very naive about some things, and I'm not sure I want to stick around to open his eyes. He is 3 years younger than I am, and granted I've changed a lot in the last 3 years. So it's possible for him. But I think that I was forced into. Life circumstances change you. Not for the worse, and not necessarily for the better. Just changed. Sigh. It should work. He's a nice guy. And he likes me. But honestly, I don't know that we have anything in common. It's getting to the point where I'm avoiding his calls and ignoring his texts. That's not right. I think I've realized a few things about myself, and characteristics that I'm looking for in a spouse. I don't necessarily need him to be the "bread winner", but I need him to be smart about money and have shit together. I want him to be bold, and take initiative. I want him to be interested in sports, and be willing to play them as well. I want him to be funny and make me laugh. I want him to love Jesus, but be willing to hear doubts and frustrations without judgment. Am I being too picky?
I think I'm very guarded as well. It takes a lot for me open up about certain things. And that has always been the case. I've never been very physically affectionate. I don't know why that is either. But once I'm "forced" into it, I'm good. It's more comfortable. This is why I think I'm emotionally damaged. I don't really know how to fix that. I wish I was different.
So the time we shared, it was precious to me. All the while I was dreaming of revelry.
