Love Where I Live

The apartment complex that I live in has a slogan "Love where you live"... I wasn't really expecting this to be true... but somehow it happened.  I love it.  I love my apartment.  It's mine.  I think I did good decorating.  I have turquoise walls. Turquoise walls and red accents. Every time I walk in I think... wow... I live here. It is not a very big place.... but then again, it's just me.  Seth was at the bottom of the stairs... I asked if he was coming up... he didn't.  Disappointing.

But here's the thing. No one visits. No one.  It's important for me to have the people I care about know where I live.  And no one visits.  I think I'm finally done decorating, but still, no one visits.  I should have a dinner party. But there never seems to be a reason.  There should be a reason right?

But it is suuuuuuuuuuuper cute.  And I did just renew my lease... so I have another 16 months here.  Please come and visit....

Silence

Yesterday was a bad day.  I felt awful, I thought awful, spoke awful, and I did awful.  I was just a huge grump.  It carried over today.  I'm annoyed.   Therefore, I have decided that it would be better if I just kept my mouth shut.  That I should just be silent.  There are certain days, certain weeks, that I feel like I need to cut myself off from the world.  Normally there are a select few that get a pass on my silence... there really aren't any this time around.  No emails went out.  No text.  No Facebook.  No twitter.  Nothing in the personal life.

I did get a haircut.  It is always surprising at how much a haircut can perk me up. It changes everything.  And I love Karen.... she always makes me laugh... and she let's me wear her hair.  Let me explain... I really don't have a lot of say in what chages we make to the cut or color.  Karen's been my hair stylist for years.  I trust her completely.  When she says it's time to cut, we cut.  When it's time to change the color... color changed.  I can give suggestions or requests, but ultimately she makes the call.  She says "It's my hair, I just let you wear it." Quite right.  It is good.

I think I've lost my passion.  I can't remember what I'm good at.  Whenever I think I remember, or whenever I start to enjoy something I think is mine... someone one ups me.  I can't figure out if this is just me being competitve or if I really am not good at anything.  I once took pride in my love of music, my ability to know what bands will be good, and to be able to recommend good tunes to my friends.  Lately this hasn't been the case.  Someone else knows more than I do.  I am a traveler.  I have stories, I'm great at the little tips on making travel smoother, I was away for 119 days last year for goodness sake.  This is usually my claim to fame.  Lately... someone else claims to know more... I let her take the reigns.  Beer... nope... someone else know more.  Sports? Nope.... I don't even get that to myself anymore.  I've lost my uniqueness.  Nothing really sets me apart.  For some reason, this is important to me.  I need something for others to root for.... to admire.  I don't know what that is right now. 

Yesterday I asked a friend of mine what my usual state of being was... she said "drifting".  The answer I was really looking for "tired"... but she told me a little more... drifting means - on the move, not 100% sure of where you want to end up or what you want to do, but not in a pathetic way.  Like moving with purpose, even though the purpose is undefined. 

I am undefined.  Therefore... silence.