Real or Not Real

Do you believe in Santa Claus?  Did you ever?  Jolly Old Saint Nick.  Red nose.  Belly like a bowl full of jelly.  That guy.
I was just having a discussion with my younger sister about if we ever believed in Santa Claus.  I don't remember that I ever did.  She doesn't think she ever did either.

When we were little Santa came to visit us a few times.  Deep down, I really knew it was Grandpa dressed up in a Santa suit, but I think I really wanted to believe it was really Santa.  You know that song about mommy kissing Santa Claus?  That totally happened, except it was Grandma of course.

This is not a perfect blog.  I don't know why I can't finish it.  I can't figure out what the story should be.

Payphones and Y2K

I was thinking again today about the huge milestones in my life.  You know... not just MY milestones, but the milestones of the world, that I've lived through.  There were 80s things of course, but those things I barely remember.  Like earthquakes, and the Lakers winning lots of basketball games.  Weirdly I remember walking up the front lawn of my parents' house and having someone tell me that Magic Johnson was HIV positive.  That was shocking!  I don't even know what that sticks out in my head.

Oh.  I just thought of something.  Guess what?  In high school... Let's just make it clear that I graduated high school in 1999.  That, right there, is another story.  That whole Y2K thing.  Yes.  Everyone did think our computer system, and with it the world, would crash.  But I'm getting ahead of myself.  ... In high school I did not have a cell phone.  True story.  I remember having to call my my parents after practice (tennis, basketball, softball) ... and sometimes after Friday night football games from a payphone.  Yes, a payphone!!!!!  Are payphones even around anymore now?  They are very rare. That's for sure.  Even when typing, the word payphone is not a word.  Maybe it should be pay phone.  But... that's not the point.  The point is, I didn't have a cell phone.  And when I did get a cell phone, my freshman year of college, my younger sister and I had to share it.  Whoever got to drive the car, got the cell phone.  It was more of a safety thing.  Now, if I forget my phone, or need to turn it off on a flight I go a little bit crazy.  It's irrational.  I know.

Okay, let's get back to Y2K.  Where was I on the eve of the turn of the century?  When everyone thought our virtual infrastructure would crumble?  I was sleeping on the street in Pasadena, CA.  I don't even know why we thought this was a good idea.  I mean, I know why we went.  A whole bunch of us went to camp out for the Rose Parade.  As it approached midnight, cars were driving by throwing tortillas.  Yeah, tortillas are the thing to throw.   They don't make a mess.  Birds will eat them.  AND, boy do they fly.  

It was crazy.  I have no idea what we were thinking.  It was scary and exhilarating.  Like we were doing something wrong.  But so many people had the same idea I guess because it was just as crowded as it ever was.  Perhaps more so.  With all the end of the world crazies.

That's really the end of the story.  Nothing happened.  We slept in sleeping bags.  It was freezing.  We woke up at dawn to people walking by us on the sidewalk.  That is not really the best way to wake up. We walked to get coffee and saw the stealth bomber jet fly over the parade route.  It was loud and awesome.  Awesome in the way awesome should be.  Jaw drop, no words awesome.  And that is all that I remember.

Writing Life

I had a discussion with S recently about writing.  We talked about how important it was to leave some sort of impression on the relatives that come after you.  

Let me explain.  Right now I'm reading the book The Devil in the White City by Erik Larson.  This book is set in Chicago during the time of the World's fair.  So... around 1893.  And I think it's really cool, because I had family living there around that time.  So I feel a connection.  S was saying, how cool would it be to be able to dig up a letter or a journal from a great great grandma to read her thoughts on the fair.  Letters are important.  Seeing handwriting is important.  

S also asked me what, in my lifetime, has had real significance, that generations after us would want to know where we were in relation to it, and how we felt.  This was a harder question than what I thought it would be.  

Of course September 11, 2001 is the very first thing that came to both our minds.  I still have this vivid memory though.  It was my junior year of college.  I was in Southern California.  So pretty much the opposite side of the country.  I was sitting on the floor of my dorm room, which happend to be the 2nd floor of a building called Newport Hall.  I was putting on makeup while looking in the big closet mirrors, when our suite mate came storming in our room and cried "A plane crashed into the two towers."  Shocked.  We watched what we could on tv, but I had to get to an 8am class.  It was marketing class and we still had class, like nothing had happened.  Later of course, when we finally knew what was going on, all classes were canceled.  I was on the softball team at the time, and practice was cancelled.  And that never happens.  My younger sister, who also went to the same college as I, hopped in the car and drove home.  I remember seeing my best guy friend's truck as I was about to leave.  I opened the window, touched the bumper, and secretly told him I loved him. Yes. Secretly.  

I think the best advice S gave me was to just write.  Don't edit myself.  It doesn't really matter how I say something as long as the points get written down.  

So.... I will begin to think about significant events in my life that should be documented. 

These should really be written down. By my hand. In a notebook.  Hopefully I get around to that. 

Late Night with The Devious Means

Live music is one of my all time favorite things.  So it comes in handy that my best friend is in a band.  I get to see and hear them play all the time, and even so… they still manage to entertain me.  I like these people.  They’re fun.  

See my review of their album HERE. 

This! This is why I'm Awesome.

I got an email from Google Voice last night saying that my number would expire if I didn't call or text from it in the next 30 days.  So... why not send some anonymous spooks?   I sent it to about 10 people, and the only one to respond was Mr. R.  SO... I decided to have some fun.   Right off the bat he thinks he knows who it is?  So wrong. Yes, of course I'm going to play along.  I'm pretty proud of myself... so I'm sharing. :) 

Me: When black cats prowl and pumpkins gleam, May luck be yours on Halloween. 10:28 AM

R: Marcy...sorry for the lapse in communication... thanks for haunting me today 10:33 AM

R: ! 10:33 AM

R: You dressing up as anything? 10:33 AM

R: Wait...who is this??? 10:34 AM

Me: Your apology is accepted, the haunting is expected. Only dressing up as me, because who else would I be? 10:40 AM

R: Approached with rhymes and riddles...apparently I am dealing with a proper villain...my curiosity is piqued ..please tell me with who I speak... 10:44 AM

Me: Riddles and rhymes are exciting at times, you really must agree. Just enjoy the day, may the spooks be at play ... as to who I am, we shall see. 10:54 AM

R: It feels like I am being eaten alive by fire ants...the curiosity may indeed kill this cat! 11:17 AM

Me: Calm yourself and your cat. The ghosts did not want for any of that. They mean you no harm, so please disarm, your brain can now relax. 11:26 AM

R: Can you provide any other clues? Or will you just hide and bemuse? 12:13 PM

Me: Howls and haunts do not like to flaunt, their identity it's true. In time dear mate, the rhyming and bait, will end and you'll know who. 12:25 PM

Me: Boo! Are you ready? The reveal is coming. Here we go, stay steady. Start the roll of drumming. 1:53 PM

R: Drop it! 2:07 PM

Me: Don't be too bitter, just check in on twitter. Take a quick peek for the answer you seek. 2:18 PM

R: Wow... just wow.... that was what my intuition said... 2:20 PM

R: Is this your work phone? 2:51 PM

Me: This number that's used is not on the job. The number that's used is to keep away the mob. 2:54 PM

The Challenge

@alijoy14 Today you must make a list 3 possible ultimate dream jobs. Then share.
— Rachel Anderson (@myfriendrachel) September 26, 2012

Today I was challenged.  The above command was harder than I thought it would be. I've been thinking about it all day.  I've been struggling with this question for years.  If I were to leave my job: Where would I go? What would I do?  What do I want to do?  Most of the time I get stuck there.

Being honest about things I would want to do can be embarrassing.  Some things that I think I would love to do, I have no talent for, whatsoever.  Some things are beyond reality.  I want to work for a baseball team.  I want to own a restaurant. I want to be a professional photographer.  I want to be a band manager.  I'm not qualified for most of these things.

So, the key word here is "possible".  I will try not to sell myself short.  I tend to be pretty amazing. However, I may lack some motivation at times.  Okay, maybe motivation isn't the right term.  Direction is maybe more correct.  I tend to have the inability to dream.  I'm not talking about what you do while you're asleep (although, I don't do that too often either).  I'm talking about life changing goals.  I have a hard time seeing what could be, instead of what is.

Alright, 3 Possible Ultimate Dream jobs.
1. Be a key figure in a Non-profit
2. Accountant/Planner at a Brewery.
3. TBD... I'll get back to you...

Nerdfest Week.

This week is San Diego Comic Con. It will be the first time I'm going for all 4 days.  Last year I only went for an afternoon... and that afternoon was one jam packed with nerdiness.  I can't imagine what kind of trouble a whole 4 days will get me into.
I think what I am most looking forward to is seeing Joshua Jackson in person. I doubt I will have the mental capacity to speak to him, but who knows friends... Who knows.

And of course, the Doctor Who panel.  That will be incredible as well.  SO excited.

Phase 10 - Adventure Style

Every day needs a little adventure... Some days need big adventure.

Today was a day of big adventure.  Just a jam packed day of events.

Adventure happened in phases.

Phase 1: Bring the Car in for some major service and some safety recalls. 

Phase 2: Breakfast at Harbor House Cafe

Phase 3: Kayaking in Huntington Harbor

Phase 4: Was going to see Pirates: Band of Misfits (Mostly because it's in the cheap theater, and David Tennant is in it)  ... however... Phase 4 was cancelled... so... went to pick up the car ... That was fun.

Phase 5: Bonfire. We packed up the truck and headed to the beach.  It was still really early ... but the beach was SOOOO crowded.  No fire pits to be seen.  Seems everyone was looking while driving... right behind us there was a crazy 3 car pile up.  There is no way to explain that horrific sound of the crunching of metal.  The thud. Luckily no one hit us.... so we kept moving.  I jumped out of the truck, on PCH, ran up the sand bank... and started power walking the bike path looking for a pit (in flips... have a little blister on the bottom of my foot now... no biggie).  None. So... bonfire cancelled.  Instead... Starbucks Iced Venti Skinny Vanilla Latte. SOOOOOOO necessary.

Phase 6: I took the 2nd of 3 showers that day... Had to wash my hair with Suave 2 in 1 for Men... because that's all there was.  That was an adventure. My hair wasn't pleased. 

Phase 7: First ever Bacon wrapped hot dog. They say it's the Los Angeles Dog.  I guess. It was all kinds of unhealthy tastiness. 

Phase 8: Dad taking tequila shots... and then making me drink one.  My family is the weirdest and most awesome. 

Phase 9: Using the firepit in the backyard... it was time for S'mores made with Mr. Goodbars.  If you have not tried this... you should.

Phase 10: Went to the theater to see Spiderman again... but it was sold out. SOOOO many people out and about today.   The day was so beautiful... I guess I can understand it.  Instead of the movie... got to visit with my best friend instead.  Besties & Kitties are a good way to end the day of adventure. 

v2.0

Round Two.  This time I actually talked to someone about how to do this.  Basically... water conditioner is pretty important.  And not overfeeding the little guy is pretty important as well. 

There were quite a few to choose from this time... and boy was it tough.  How horrible is it that I was trying to pick one that would match my decor?  :)  Totally matters.   And... a male.  Definitely a male. 

Meet Gilbert Blythe.

He survived a night... I have a feeling he's a keeper. 

Beta Betta v.1.0

I decided I needed a fish.  A starter pet, to come home to, a companion, to talk to, to protect my apartment.  You know.... because that's what we're supposed to do right?  I have been very successful at keeping plants alive.  So why not give an animal a shot right?  

I guess part of me was unsure of myself from the beginning.  I didn't have the heart to actually name it.  I decided to call it Beta Betta v.1.0.  Just because... I have the perfect fish name... and I didn't want to waste it.  My guess is my negative vibes went too far.   

v.1.0 Happy... 

One day later... v.1.0 very very dead. 

I am a horrible horrible person.  No one should ever give me a kid.  Who knows what would happen.

I'm going to give it another shot though... I swear... I can do this.  Really.  

Growing Pains

No... this isn't about the television show.  Although, back in the day I really enjoyed coming home from school knowing that it'd be on... Yeah, my tastes then were a little suspect.

This week has been a tough week for saying goodbye.  And maybe it's not even goodbye... it's just, things are going to be different from now on... let's try and get through it.

First, one of my very dear friends is moving to Minnesota.  He happened to be a coworker of mine, but we never worked together.  When he first started out we sat next to each other in the cubicles.  Our hello to each other every morning was "heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey neighbor".  It was great.  We used to play pranks on each other all the time.  Just little things.  He stood all my pens and markers up on end.  He printed out Mariners posters and posted them all over my desk... just little things.  I cardboard barricaded his desk... and also post it noted his desk. Things that didn't matter, but were fun, and brought us closer together. He has the same personality as my brother... so that kind of ended up being his role.  He was my work brother... just a little bit more mature.  So in the time that I knew him he got engaged and got married.  I flew to Minnesota for the wedding.  I love his wife as well.  We've changed apartments, changed career positions, we've been through a death of a friend, they've had a baby... It's been wonderful knowing them. And they love Jesus, and aren't afraid to talk about it.  I love them and will miss them so very much.  On the upside... I do travel a lot.  And I have not yet been to Target field, and so they have already offered to let me stay with them, and go to a game.  And I will definitely take them up on that offer.

The other "goodbye" was a little bit different.  He's not going anywhere. I had to vent some things about the relationship that I was frustrated about.  That I was unclear about. But in the process, I fear I may have screwed up.  I think I may have ruined it.  Where I screwed up the most was probably not hearing his side.  Yeah, now that I think about it... it was all me talking.... with him on the defensive.  I probably could have handled it differently.  I can be such an idiot some times.

Relationships are hard.  In order to move forward, risk most definitely needs to be taken.  I am awful at that part.  I am adventurous when it comes to the world, I am so afraid when it comes to people.  This attempt at honesty was a big step for me.  I hope I didn't make a mistake.

So... I think the theme of the week was... Growing Pains hurt like hell.  But how else are we gonna grow?

What I'm listening to... Nothing new. Broken Bells still plays on my car stereo every single day.
What I'm watching... Nothing new. It's summer.  Go outside. :)

Scarversary

Yesterday was my 6 year anniversary of my thymectomy.  It's not something I'm sad about... It's something I cherish.  It has a lot of symbolism.  Mostly because what happened, and what I still go through is not about the scar.  The scar is the only visible evidence that something was/is wrong.


It's a battle wound. I won that battle... I still fight the war every single day.


Speaking of... After 6 years I decided to do some neurologist shopping.  I was getting tired of the same old thing.  I go in. Wait. See the doctor for 5 minutes. Tell her my woes.... complain that it's the same thing. Highs and Lows. Tell her what dose of meds i give myself.  Have her say... well... yes, you have a chronic disease, this is how it works. Okay... see you in 6 months. And I pay my $30 as I walk out the door.


I am going to try the osteopathic neurology route.  This week I did a "try out".  I think that just having a new perspective on the same old thing is a really good thing.  My expectations are not too high, I mean. Neuro One was right... It is a chronic disease.  It IS possible that where I'm at is as good as it gets. I went in... I sat and talked to this new doctor for an hour.  It was great.  I really like her.  She's married with kids.  Somehow she told me she goes to Mariner's and was really happy to hear that I was a Christian as well.  She has epilepsy, which actually makes me respect her even more.  She herself has a neuro disease.  She understands how sucky this is.  She even used the words "this sucks" several times.  She was just normal.  It was refreshing.


She gave me a few options... all kind of centering around trying to eliminate or shrink the stress that I feel.  Since Myasthenia Gravis really plays on stress, emotion, exhaustion we want to really try to minimize those.  And life is pretty stressful in general.  So some of it is impossible. 


So I'm starting with some baby steps.  Some honesty, and a little med. We'll give it a shot.  

Home again, home again

Jiggity Jig.

After a quick weekend in Boston, and another week in Birmingham, I am home.  Hooray!  It's not that I mind the travel.  It's the being away that's the hard part.  10 weeks and 22 flights.  I'm an expert packer.  I know my way around an airport.  I know how to deal with TSA.  I know how to navigate in other cities.  I take advantage of the surrounding area. I like to explore.  

I find that the readjusting to home life can be difficult.  Grocery shopping again.  Submerging myself in society again.  It's more complicated than it sounds.  When people just expect that you're gone, it's easy to make excuses.  

I am happy to be back.  Now is the time for action.  Let's get some stuff going.  Big projects are in the works.  Hopefully big relationships are in the works as well.  

Stay tuned for the massive happenings of my little life.

What I'm listening to: Even though it's an older album AWOLNATION has not left my car cd player for over a year.  It's one of the best driving albums I've ever found.
What I'm watching: Breaking Bad! I'm in the middle of the 2nd season.  My favorite line so far is "DBAA - Apply yourselves."  Love it.
Also - So You Think You Can Dance has begun for the summer.  This is the only competition show/reality tv that I will watch.  It's so great though.  Very emotional and such a great way to be introduced to new music.  I can't express it.  Must watch!

Out of Town, Again

It's travel season.  I tend to go on hiatus when I'm away, which doesn't really make sense because those times usually are the source of some of my best stories. I'm just so very tired most of the time I'm gone.  But I don't let this stop me from doing things, and then I just get more tired.
I've already spent 4 weeks in Indianapolis.  It was my 4th tim in Indy I think.  We have a love/hate relationship.  I'm not sure that I can say anything good about that city.  But I tend to like to go because my clients are delightful.  It's also only 3 hours from Chicago, where my best friend lives.  So it's nice to be able to visit on the company dime.
I helped my lovely Boston friend Briana shoot a wedding.  It was a ton of fun. Next day she shot my family.  Not gun shot, but camera shot.  It was fun.
I also went to Disney World.  I can't believe this trip is over!  We had been planning it for over a year.  4 days in the parks, and then a 4 day Disney cruise to the Bahamas. It was incredible.  I would do it again in a heartbeat.  So much fun. Not relaxing at all, but so much fun.
I'm in my 3rd of 4 weeks of Birmingham, Alabama. this is also my 4th year here.  I used to call it Ali-Bama.  But I don't see that it is appropriate any longer.  Right now we have 8 people working in one room together.  It's drama.  Of course people aren't going to get along.  It's inevitable.  But there are some pretty pissed off people right now.  Only 2 more days until most of them will go home.
We've had some delicious lightning storms while I've been here.  I am not exactly sure why I love these so much.  But I do. So very much.
I'm off to Boston for the weekend, because I don't travel enough.  :)

What I'm listening to: Lots & lots of Nerdist podcasts. And lots and lots of Mother Mother
What I'm watching: Battlestar Galactica. I'm almost done with the 3rd season, and whoa baby I had no idea it was this good.

Sparkle & Letters & Photos

The weekend has been jam packed.  All good things, but jam packed.  Flew home from Indianapolis on Friday night.  

Saturday, I had the honor of assisting Briana Moore in shooting a wedding.  It was tons of fun.  Exhausting, but tons of fun.  This was my 2nd opportunity to help out Bri, while she's been in California shooting. (Yes folks, she currently resides in Boston).  I feel like I get to learn a lot while on these shoots.  Not just in taking the actual pictures, and using the camera, but how to interact with people.  Valuable lessons.

The wedding took place in Dana Point in a little park overlooking the Ocean.  The reception was something that I want. Lots of white lights, very casual.  It was wonderful.  While you're going to have to wait for photos of the shoot from Briana... here's a little sparkle & flicker.   

Below is the sight that got me teary.  The couple had a long distance relationship for a year.  They exchanged letters back and forth.  

Love measured in letters.  

I love mail, I love this.  Some day I hope to find someone who loves me enough to send me mail. 

The Devious Means - Songs We All Are Singing

I love music so very much.  I've often thought I should be a new music blogger.  Maybe a weekly: Now Playing blog.  I'm not very savvy on the lingo, but I know what I like.  I'll think about it.

I have to start somewhere though right? Here it is.  Songs We All Are Singing - The Devious Means. Let's call it SWAAS.  I did warn you back in January 2011 that The Meanies were coming... I hope you believed me.  :) 

This is the 2nd EP from The Devious Means. Compared to their 1st (Presenting The Devious Means), the progression is incredible, while being every bit as fun.  SWAAS totally captures the personality of the band.  I love that.  Seriously... Look at that album art.  How Mad Men Classy is that?  Totally reminiscent of the old 1960 Ocean's 11 poster, is it not?
(or was it the N Sync poster?  Hmmm.  I choose Ocean's 11)

     

For more of the Meanie vintage vibe, check out the website -  http://www.thedeviousmeans.com/ 


And now... onto the music.


Straight from the beginning, the "Song with No Name" captures you with the almost mystical western trumpet vibe...  It is so intriguing.  (Yes, keys & lead female vocalist, Rachel Anderson, also plays the trumpet.)


Shake. Watch out.... You better make some room, because you're gonna wanna dance. And then it is quite possible you'll want to continue for the next few songs.


Witmer is clearly the song that a crowd can shout along with.  Can you hear it? Hear it?  It has an urban feel that obviously comes from lead singer, Chris Faris' social work background.  The lyrics give such a clear vision of a tough life in the inner city.  And I love hearing the screams from drummer Jason Mize.  Excellent touch.


I am so incredibly happy with the new version of Porcelain Mouths. Megan Polendo's bass intro, has been described, pretty accurately, that it "makes me want to do dangerous things". And Anderson's cry at the 1:18 mark always blows my mind. It's my favorite. Her voice = Wow.  


Making Eyes & Good Company are cute new songs with the classic back and forth vocals that we've grown to love from this band.  I must also mention that Good Company features a rockin' accordion solo.  Accordions are cool.


I highly encourage getting this album. I have to say though, I still don't think it does the band justice to their live performances. (GO SEE THEM LIVE if you get the chance! You won't regret it.) If you're not in the Orange County area, this album still gives an honest representation of how delightful these people are.  


One of my favorite quotes from a review of their Album Release show at the House of Blues - Anaheim was from TNN Radio "As for the Devious Means, you’ll appreciate that you can see a little of yourself in each of them. You can also envision them being your brother, sister, neighbor or friend. You root for people like this, and in the end, you smile when you hear their music."  I love this, because it is so true. 


Well, that just about wraps it up. Be nice to yourself and listen to some Meanies. Soon, you too will be singing along with the Songs We All Are Singing. 
(or SWAAS to those of you who LOVE Acronyms.  Usually those in healthcare & chronic texters) 


P.S. I will send a copy of the new EP to the first person to leave a comment. :) This will be exciting. 

Can't Take It In

"Stuff your eyes with wonder... live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds.  See the world.  it's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factorires." - Ray Bradbury

There is an Imogen Heap song that has these lyrics
"It couldn't be any more beautiful. I can't take it in."

I thought this the entire day driving back from Pittsburgh to Indianapolis.
There is no way I can describe or capture how great it is.

There is so much beauty out there. Please, please, please go out and see it.

Happy Easter.

Stadium 22 - PNC Park

It's a bit of a crazy idea. You know, trying to visit every Major League baseball stadium.  Somehow though... somehow I'm doing really well.  

I was alone this week, working in Indianapolis.  I was alone for my birthday.  I am alone for Easter (tomorrow).  So I had this crazy idea to drive to Pittsburgh (a 6 hour drive) because baseball season has started and there is a stadium within a reasonable distance that I had not been to.  I was on the fence about if I should go or not.  A friend of mine said "You need to go. If you don't, you will regret it. And 'Adventures' is what you do." After hearing that, how can I not go? So here it is.  

First off, this is not where I sat.  But it was close.  The Pittsburgh skyline is pretty fantastic with the buildings and the Roberto Clemente bridge just beyond the Batter's Eye.  (Check out my new iphone camera lens!  This is the Fish Eye feature.  It is amazing)

I didn't get a chance to walk around the entire stadium like I normally do.  It being opening day weekend and all, the Pittsburgh fans packed it in.  I did manage to grab a gyro & a Brooklyn Lager craft beer. (both were the shortest lines... which is too bad.  Gyro = yum. And I guess Pittsburghians? prefer their Coors Light. Suckers)

So leaving the stadium, and crossing over the bridge you see this view.  It's incredible. 

On my way out, I did stop and snap a picture of me with the sign.  Pretty much just to prove I was really there.

Also, bonus!  It was a Saturday night game... which meant FIREWORKS!  Yay.  It was fun.

It was a great game.  Extra innings. Walk off infield hit.  Yeah, I'm happy I went. 

22 down, 11 to go. 

Before I Die...

A couple of weekends ago I visited my best friend in Chicago.  Now, let's just say it was a bit of weird visit... But I did get to see this wall.

In a few prominant cities throughout the country this wall has been inserted.  It starts out with just the white lettering.  With pieces of chalk set out for passers-by to write down their thoughts and dreams. 

Before I die...

Before I die I want to _______________ 

I had a whole week to figure out what I was going to write.  I think most people overthink this question.  Does the answer have to be something that is grandious? Something out of reach and not easily attainable? Something that is so abstract or generic or universal or completely out of our hands?  Something like Before I die I want to have World Peace.  Before I die I want to become pure light. Before I die I want to see the Cubs win the series.  (I was in Chicago remember... people can dream.) 

On the wall I wrote: "See the Northern Lights".  This is one of my biggest goals from my "life list" (see sidebar).  But it's true.  It seems small.  It seems like I should be aiming higher. 

After some major prodding... I think I have decided that Before I die I want to find someone that I can break down my wall with.  Because, dear reader, I definitely have a wall.  It's mighty tall, and greatly thick. It is going to take some persistance to get through.  I hope he's strong and dedicated. :)  

Either that or I'd like to catch a shooting star and put it in my pocket.

What do you want to do before you die?

Special Animal

Also, this a doodle of The Doctor that I did during an audit training a few months ago. I still like him.

Rawr!

I feel like "rawr" has been my battle cry for ages.  It applies to so many aspects of my life!  It can be positive.  It can be negative.  It can be a "go out and conquer the world" attitude.  It can be "oh my gosh, I'm such an idiot" cry of shame.  It can be a "come and get me" tease.  It can be a "stay the hell away from me" warning.  This pretty much sums me up at any given moment... doesn't everyone feel like that?

Anyway... today is funny.  After a full day of solitude I needed some social interaction.  I went to the front desk (Oh, by the way, I'm in Indianapolis, by myself) asked for a movie recommendation (The Other Guys won... HILARIOUS) and an older man came up, asked me to stay because his question could involve me.  He asked for a wine bottle opener, I did happen to have one, but the front desk did as well.  As we were walking away he stopped me to tell me the history of alcoholism in women.  To sum up... if you drink a whole bottle of wine, by yourself in one night, you're an alcoholic... I have done this before... seems I'm an alcoholic.  He wouldn't stop talking... Finally he hit the elevator button... I dashed for the stairs.  Ran up 3 flights before the elevator door might open, and scurried to my room so he didn't know where I was staying. Yikes!

After watching the incredibly funny movie (see above) and having the strangestly hilarious IM conversation, I needed some excercise.  So I went down to the workout room for a quick jog on the treadmill.  There was another guy in there at the time... but no biggie... he was on the elliptical.  I start my warm up walk, slowly increasing the speed until I'm at a job.  The guy then stops his work out, comes to the tread right next to me and starts sprinting.  SPRINTING.  I did not want this guy to show me up, so I went to increase my speed.. accidentally hitting the headphone wire... knocking my phone to the floor.  But wait.. NOT to the floor... to the treadmill.  As I manuever not to step on it, I almost lose my balance.  I quickly jump off, while the belt is still moving... the guy next to me attempts to hit my panic stop button... without success.  I did manage to not fall over... grab my phone, that had slid to the floor, and jump back on the treadmill very gracefully... in my mind.  I laughed.  He laughed.  I thanked him for trying to help. (He's still sprinting) And I go on with my work out.  A few minutes later he's done... wipes down his machine... turns to me, waves, smiles... and says... "hey... you be careful okay? see you next time."  And walks out the door.  It was hilarious. 

Oh my... what a day.   RAWR!  And rawr.

P.S.  The Hunger Games Soundtrack is fantastic.  Arcade Fire & surprisingly Maroon 5 are my favorites, with Birdy right up there as well.  I must say, The Decemberists have my heart always, but of this album, their song is probably the weakest.  Weird. 

Love Where I Live

The apartment complex that I live in has a slogan "Love where you live"... I wasn't really expecting this to be true... but somehow it happened.  I love it.  I love my apartment.  It's mine.  I think I did good decorating.  I have turquoise walls. Turquoise walls and red accents. Every time I walk in I think... wow... I live here. It is not a very big place.... but then again, it's just me.  Seth was at the bottom of the stairs... I asked if he was coming up... he didn't.  Disappointing.

But here's the thing. No one visits. No one.  It's important for me to have the people I care about know where I live.  And no one visits.  I think I'm finally done decorating, but still, no one visits.  I should have a dinner party. But there never seems to be a reason.  There should be a reason right?

But it is suuuuuuuuuuuper cute.  And I did just renew my lease... so I have another 16 months here.  Please come and visit....

Silence

Yesterday was a bad day.  I felt awful, I thought awful, spoke awful, and I did awful.  I was just a huge grump.  It carried over today.  I'm annoyed.   Therefore, I have decided that it would be better if I just kept my mouth shut.  That I should just be silent.  There are certain days, certain weeks, that I feel like I need to cut myself off from the world.  Normally there are a select few that get a pass on my silence... there really aren't any this time around.  No emails went out.  No text.  No Facebook.  No twitter.  Nothing in the personal life.

I did get a haircut.  It is always surprising at how much a haircut can perk me up. It changes everything.  And I love Karen.... she always makes me laugh... and she let's me wear her hair.  Let me explain... I really don't have a lot of say in what chages we make to the cut or color.  Karen's been my hair stylist for years.  I trust her completely.  When she says it's time to cut, we cut.  When it's time to change the color... color changed.  I can give suggestions or requests, but ultimately she makes the call.  She says "It's my hair, I just let you wear it." Quite right.  It is good.

I think I've lost my passion.  I can't remember what I'm good at.  Whenever I think I remember, or whenever I start to enjoy something I think is mine... someone one ups me.  I can't figure out if this is just me being competitve or if I really am not good at anything.  I once took pride in my love of music, my ability to know what bands will be good, and to be able to recommend good tunes to my friends.  Lately this hasn't been the case.  Someone else knows more than I do.  I am a traveler.  I have stories, I'm great at the little tips on making travel smoother, I was away for 119 days last year for goodness sake.  This is usually my claim to fame.  Lately... someone else claims to know more... I let her take the reigns.  Beer... nope... someone else know more.  Sports? Nope.... I don't even get that to myself anymore.  I've lost my uniqueness.  Nothing really sets me apart.  For some reason, this is important to me.  I need something for others to root for.... to admire.  I don't know what that is right now. 

Yesterday I asked a friend of mine what my usual state of being was... she said "drifting".  The answer I was really looking for "tired"... but she told me a little more... drifting means - on the move, not 100% sure of where you want to end up or what you want to do, but not in a pathetic way.  Like moving with purpose, even though the purpose is undefined. 

I am undefined.  Therefore... silence.