Most of the time I don't let it get to me. I can usually continue through my day, and counter the effects. I usually do not complain about it. I can remember crying about it only once since it happened. But today I hate it. Today was cry number two. Today I don't feel right and it's not my fault. I hate that I can't even describe it. There is a disconnect between my brain and my body. But it's more than that even. I just want to melt into a puddle. My arms feel heavy and unresponsive. My legs feel like they're dragging. My lips feel almost numb, but not to the touch. Is that even possible? My lungs feel like they could implode at any moment. I am afraid to speak because I can not even form proper sentences. Today, however, my eyes are working properly. So that's positive. I take the pills, but they don't seem to be helping. Unless they are and it would just be unfathomably worse if I weren't taking them. I can't tell. I don't want to find out.
I could already feel it coming on last night, but I haven't learned how to prevent it yet. I don't know if it's possible. I couldn't wake up this morning. I mean, I woke up, but somehow my brain doesn't and it tricks me into thinking that if I just stay in bed I'll be better. So I stay. It sounds eerily like depression. I wonder that every once in awhile. If there's a side effect to the meds I'm on, or if something has changed within me. I feel weird. I don't feel like me. I could not concentrate at work, so I went home early and took a nap. That didn't help either. I forced myself to leave the apartment and hang out with friends. I had a good time, but I always feel like I'm not very good company when I feel like this. Like I need to explain why I'm not my normally happy engaging self.
I don't like to talk about it. It's weird that a disease that makes me physically weak and out of control makes me feel the same way psychologially if I talk about it. I don't want to be that girl with a disease. I don't want to be that girl that lets it rule her life. I've seen that too often.
And I deal. I'm in the war of my life. I'm at the core of my life. I've got no choice but to fight 'til it's done.
