Good Talk

Okay, so it's been the most hectic crazy week ever. Travel season has begun, and I've already spent 2 weeks out in Syracuse, NY. Come to think of it, I should be writing about that as well, but that's another story all together, and should be left for another day.

But this week I got to be home. The entire week. I flew home on Friday, and fly out again next Monday! I like this. But somewhere, deep in the back of my mind I really truly think that it would have been easier to just be away the entire time. Away from the people, appointments, obligations, etc.

So far this week I have not touched what I should have been working on, but am trying to wrap up another engagement that has been drug out way too long. I don't know how it got like this. I have zero direction, and zero management on a type of job that I do not do. But just when I believe it can't get any worse, in steps my hero. He has forever been my encouragement. I don't know where he pulls it from, or how he knows exactly when I need it. But he has been there on countless occasions in the exact moment I needed his pep talk the most. From day 1 of meeting him everyone has told me I should marry him. And honestly, we get along so well, I could see it working. But I do not feel that attraction. And that is huge. He pointed me in the right direction twice this week. I just happened to be on the phone with him while checking my CPA exam scores, and after months of it not being posted, there it was. It was so shocking, and I wasn't expecting it, and even though a failing score wasn't all that surprising, it still hit me hard. I cried. I cried and he heard me cry. And yet, the encourager steps up again. The very next night we had another good chat. I told him how much it meant to me that he's always been around. He hugged me. Everyday this week he's checked in on me. I can not begin to describe how good that feels. I used to have someone that checked in everyday, but it's getting less frequent these days. I think it's good to be reminded that I'm not as independent as I think I am. If that makes any sense.

I'm also finding that I've made a new friend. Sometimes I wonder if I have room for another super close friend, but I think I lie to myself in thinking that I really let people in and know me. The truth is, I have very few close friends. I'm cynical, and I hate that. I'm closed, and I like that less. This new friend is a bit younger, but has lived some life. And she seems to be hurting because of it. Tonight we hung out again, but it turned into a "why am I depressed" fest. I want to be more positive. I've been thinking that a lot lately... that I don't laugh as much as I used to. That I don't joke around or even that I'm not as nice as I once was. Where did this go? I resolve to be more positive. To live up to the middle name and have some Joy.

My mentor said to me this week - "hang in there, its just a test…your worth is IN CHRIST not the letters after your name or your title. You are making more of an impact in life as Alison versus a CPA." I need to remember this. Life as Alison.

Stream of Conscious

it's cold in central new york. and hotel rooms are sad. why have i not realized this before just now?
outside there's snow on the ground and i get to wear beanies and scarves and coats and gloves when i go out. i am a fan of this.
i did not bring appropriate work shoes for snow.
this weekend the olympics begin. in canada. saturday i will drive to canada. i am a fan of that as well.
oh how i love the olympics. i do not know why. it's the competition, it's the national pride, it's the world coming together. i don't know.
for some time now my favorite book has been pride & prejudice, but somewhere in the course of my life i have developed an obsession with this time period.
i just rewatched the PBS special mini-series on emma and heard the word "wanderlust" and think it very appropriate.
i think i lack the courage to actually pick up and move.
i should be studying.
i feel really good about audit, but will tell myself i failed so that if it happens i'm not crushed.
my hair is getting long again.
actually i should be sleeping.

hopelessly i feel like there might be something that i'll miss
hopelessly i feel like the window closes oh so quick
hopelessly i'm taking a mental picture of you now
'cause hopelessly the hope is we have so much to feel good about