Here I am Again.

I'm back here in Boston. This time it's pretty cold. I think the hope of this trip was to really figure out if I could live here. And already flying in I was thinking I would be crazy for moving. I am just coming off of Christmas with the family, and how the hell can I leave that? They're fantastic. But do I rely on them too much? I just don't know. I feel like I need to get out and figure myself out on my own. I need to get away from other stupid relationships. I keep saying that. But... it's really true. There is a tear of my soul. I don't think I can make this decision.

But seriously... what was I thinking not bringing my good camera here?! Silly me.

Tomorrow...
Tomorrow we hit Rhode Island and Connecticut. This will be 2 more states checked off the list, with only 3 more to go (West Virgina, South Carolina, and Alaska). I'm super giddy about this. My plan is to hit West Virgina on a weekend when I'm in Indianapolis. And to hit South Carolina on a weekend I'm in Birmingham. And then that will leave Alaska. I'm gonna finish with a bang. The Alaska Cruise. When? I have no idea. And I don't know who that will be with either. But that's the plan.

It's the final week of 2009. I feel like I've accomplished a lot this year. And yet... things that I wrote down at the beginning of the year... things that I wanted to do... things that were important to me... I blew right by. I feel like this year was rough on my MG, and in turn it was rough on my psyche...

It's like a vicious cycle. And I let myself flounder. What am I doing?! So... here I am again. Another year... another reflection... another beginning.

Life continues to confuse me.

War of My Life

Most of the time I don't let it get to me. I can usually continue through my day, and counter the effects. I usually do not complain about it. I can remember crying about it only once since it happened. But today I hate it. Today was cry number two. Today I don't feel right and it's not my fault. I hate that I can't even describe it. There is a disconnect between my brain and my body. But it's more than that even. I just want to melt into a puddle. My arms feel heavy and unresponsive. My legs feel like they're dragging. My lips feel almost numb, but not to the touch. Is that even possible? My lungs feel like they could implode at any moment. I am afraid to speak because I can not even form proper sentences. Today, however, my eyes are working properly. So that's positive. I take the pills, but they don't seem to be helping. Unless they are and it would just be unfathomably worse if I weren't taking them. I can't tell. I don't want to find out.
I could already feel it coming on last night, but I haven't learned how to prevent it yet. I don't know if it's possible. I couldn't wake up this morning. I mean, I woke up, but somehow my brain doesn't and it tricks me into thinking that if I just stay in bed I'll be better. So I stay. It sounds eerily like depression. I wonder that every once in awhile. If there's a side effect to the meds I'm on, or if something has changed within me. I feel weird. I don't feel like me. I could not concentrate at work, so I went home early and took a nap. That didn't help either. I forced myself to leave the apartment and hang out with friends. I had a good time, but I always feel like I'm not very good company when I feel like this. Like I need to explain why I'm not my normally happy engaging self.
I don't like to talk about it. It's weird that a disease that makes me physically weak and out of control makes me feel the same way psychologially if I talk about it. I don't want to be that girl with a disease. I don't want to be that girl that lets it rule her life. I've seen that too often.
And I deal. I'm in the war of my life. I'm at the core of my life. I've got no choice but to fight 'til it's done.

The World Spins Madly On...

What a whirlwind these past 2 weeks have been.

Sunday - Thursday Andie Hospital & LA & Riverside commute, Friday Angels game, Saturday Bachlorette Party, Sunday San Diego, Monday The Decemberists, Tuesday Rent, Wednesday Disneyland, Thursday Angels game, Friday Rehearsal, Wedding Saturday, U2 Sunday.

My little sister got married. That's weird. It was a really good day though. Rushed and crazy, but fantastic. I may have cried a little, which is super weird because I'm pretty much dead inside. I don't know how that happened. The worst tradition ever at weddings is the bouquet toss. Why are we all ashamed that we are single? I was standing on the dance floor already because it had just been the bridal party dance... so you can't just walk away. EVERYONE knows I'm single.... so I stood there.... and no one was joining me. Finally, a few girls trickeled up... but I, of course, was the tallest, and no one really was happy about standing up there. So Andie tossed the flowers, they came right at me... I stuck up my hand and grabbed them. Took one for team there. No one cared. Boo. I overheard my Mom saying goodbye to Kendal & Sonya. She said "We'll see you for Alison's wedding." Son said "Alison's getting married?!" Mom said, "well.... she caught the bouquet!" :(

The next day was U2. So we met up at 2:30 to Caravan out there, parked on the golf course, and had a little picnic. The Black Eyed Peas opened, and Slash made a little guest appearance. They were great! Then, U2. I don't know that there are words to express this event. The thousands of people there was the most impressive thing about the whole thing. I mean, don't get me wrong... it's U2... they're pretty fantastic. I feel like they're definitely a band you need to see in your lifetime, and I am so glad to have experienced that. It took about 2 hours to get out of the golf course "parking lot", and about an hour to get home. So I think I crawled into bed at 2:30 and woke up again at 5:20 to start my week all over again. 3 shot latte morning for sure. Worth it.

The email just came. "Hello, this is Ticketmaster Customer Service with an important alert for your upcoming event. Angels World Series -Game 2, scheduled at Angel Stadium of Anaheim with a date and time to be announced, has been cancelled." Sad day. Maybe next year. Count down to April begins again.

I wrote another letter. I get sappy when I write. I even wrote that in the letter. Letter writing is more intimate than emailing... is it more intimate than chatting? Is it more intimate than a phone conversation? Is it more intimate than a face to face conversation? No. But why do you feel like you can express yourself more deeply in writing? I think it's probably because you can't see the reaction of the person reading it. Does that make a difference?

And the spinning continues...

Everything In It's Right Place

I should be ecstatic. I was this morning at least. My team goes on to the ALCS. I love those boys. They play like it's little league. Like it's still a game. Like it's fun. And it is. I jumped out of my seat and screamed when Bobby hit that ball off the green monster, and then again when Vlad hit that first pitch. It was insane. Such a great comeback. And even more meaningful that it was against Boston. Love. I love love love this game.

Then... drove to meet the boy in San Clemente. I shouldn't have. And I'm not going to do that again.

Drove home mad. Walked into the apartment mad. Saw the toaster oven by the packed boxes and that was the last straw. It wasn't about the toaster even. So much like what I just drove away from. I knew things were going to change, but I guess I just hadn't prepared myself for it. No one told me what was happening, and I hate the miscommunication. I know it's not mine to lose, but I still feel the loss. Apparently there's a place for everything. And I have been put in my right place as well.

Horror

I just woke up. It's 12:06am and I just woke up. I must have fallen asleep studying again. Actually I think I let myself this time. I'm still in my sweatshirt and jeans, and haven't washed my face or brushed my teeth, but sometimes that's comforting. It's like a little dose of escape. I know I'd get better sleep if I'd just put on the pjs, but for some reason I won't let myself do that.
I don't normally dream when I sleep either. I don't really know what that means. I've been told that's false. We dream everytime, it's just a matter of remembering. I hardly ever remember. However, when it does happen, they tend to be doozies.
And the one I just now woke from was no exception. I don't know what was happening, I was definitely in a house. It was supposed to be my house, but it wasn't my house. I think I was cleaning. It felt like a long time, and I'm sure other things happened, that I don't remember. But I woke up just after I heard my mom screaming. It was a blood curdling scream. I didn't see my mom, but in my head I knew it was her. And in my head I knew I had to call 911, but I couldn't find the phone, and I couldn't get any words out. Panic. And then I woke up. But I can still hear her screaming, even awake. It's sort of haunting.
And now, I don't want to go get ready for bed. I don't want to put on my pjs, brush my teeth, or wash my face. If I fall back asleep, I might have to finish that dream, and I don't want to.

Seasons of Love

Autumn is quite possibly my favorite time of year. I'm happier here. Today was almost a perfect day.

Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns. ~George Eliot

Everyone must take time to sit and watch the leaves turn. ~Elizabeth Lawrence

There is a harmony in autumn, and a luster in its sky, which through the summer is not heard or seen, as if it could not be, as if it had not been! ~Percy Bysshe Shelley

I think I'll go to Boston...

I think I'll start a new life, I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name. I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather. I think I'll get a lover and fly 'im out to Spain... I think I'll go to Boston, I think that I'm just tired. I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind... I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset.

And the dream is alive again. The big move is back in my head with a vengeance. I had so much fun! My trip started with chatting with the many Angels fans on the plane. Strangers with a common interest, it's an amazing thing. You begin to feel like family. Bri picked me up at the airport and headed straight to the North End for dinner at Daily Catch and a famous cannoli from Mike's pastry. We both ordered the squid ink pasta. I definitely had my doubts, but it was seriously one of the best dishes I've ever eaten.

From the North end, we headed to Fenway Park for a surreal baseball experience! I was definitely torn between whether I should wear my Angels gear or not. I ended up only wearing my hat and the beloved red Angels Converse. Looking back I realize I could have went a little more blatant. The weather was cool and crisp, the stadium was full of excitement, and I was cheering on my team, in the oldest ballpark in the country, staring at the green monster. Perfect evening! 19 stadiums have been checked off the list.

The following morning, we hopped out of bed early to catch the commuter rail out to Cambridge. We walked around Harvard for a bit, but because Bri was on crutches still, it was maybe a little slower than I would've liked. I will have to go back.

I did overhear a funny piece of information when passing a tour guide. There is a statue of John Harvard in the square, but it isn't actually John Harvard. Every picture of Harvard burned in a fire, and so... they made him up. They just made him look scholarly, and sophisticated, and pretty much just how they thought he should look. Kinda like us westerners and Jesus? Right? :)

After leaving Harvard, we wandered around Cambridge for a bit. Peeked into some shops, had lunch at Wagamama (yum), then visited the Old Harvard Bookstore. I could have spent hours in there. We left Cambridge and headed out to Sommerville to try Kick Ass Cupcakes. This place had interesting flavors, but they were small, and not that good overall. It was no Sprinkles or Susie Cakes. Our cupcake of choice was The Green Monster: Chocolate cupcake with a chocolate beer ganache center and Sam Adams Cream Stout frosting. Perfectly Boston.

At this point, it was early afternoon, and we were heading back to Waltham to meet James and go to the Sam Adams brewery. As we headed back on the train it came to a sudden stop, all of the lights went out, and the entire train went silent. Nobody spoke. It was completely eerie. I was thinking of Knott's Berry farm and getting robbed. Luckily, it only took 5 minutes to get back on our route again. We picked up James, drove to the brewery... and discovered it closed early on week days! So I thought maybe we could try to catch the last duck tour instead of doing it the next day. Thanks to "Bruce" we quickly found our way and somehow found where we needed to buy tickets. Turned out it was starting about 1.5 blocks away, so Bri got a little head start while I bought tickets. James and I ran to get there on time, where we met Bri just as she was clacking up to the Quacker. We boarded & took off! The tour covered a lot, but I began to realize there was so much more history in this town then I had time to see. Our guide had loads of random facts, and our ride in the Charles river was beautiful! The sun was starting to set, and it the light was perfect.

After the tour, we decided the day had been crazy exhausting, and so, headed home to eat felafel's (hooray for James' amazing cooking) and watch Glee & The Office!

Friday morning, I braved the subway by myself, and headed off for a tour of Fenway Park. They were filming a movie in and around the park, so it was a little bit crazy. However, I was just walking down the street and yes, Ben Affleck definitely walked right past me! Before I even knew what was happening, he was gone. :) After lingering around the park a bit, I hopped back on the subway and made my way up to Boston Common. I did not have enough time there. I saw the beginning of the Freedom Trail, Frog Pond, the Swan boats, and glanced across the street at Cheers and the cemetery. Hopped back on the subway to meet up with Bri & James at the Sam Adams Brewery and to finally go on our tour! Our guide, Mike, was awesome, and everyone was pretty jealous of his current job, despite his recent passing of The Bar exam. We tasted 3 beers in the tasting room. The classic Boston Lager, Octoberfest, and Coastal Wheat (which wont be released to the public until Thanksgiving at the earliest). It was lemony and refreshing. Yum! Also found out about Utopias (check out Extreme Beers). It has the highest alcholol content of any beer, and is only distributed every 2 years. Even though it's illegal in some states and is a bit expensive, I seriously want to find me some. Maybe I can talk some friends into going in with me.

After the tour, we dropped off James and headed NW to Brattleboro, VT. A weird little town, that we later found out is the only town in the country where apparently public nudity is legal. We were staying at the Latchis Hotel & Theater, and dinner & a movie was kind of part of a package deal! We decided to watch In the Loop, and it was located in a bit of a smaller theater, 2 flights of stairs up. The screen was not much bigger then a projector screen that most churches/schools have, and the theater was creepy too. Just plain weird... there were chunks missing from some seats, the movie was slightly crooked, etc. We got led out the "easy" way because Bri was in still on the crutches. We went up some stairs into the projector room, and the employee kicked trash and buckets out of the way. He opened a kind of hidden door and all of a sudden we were in the hallway on the 2nd floor of the hotel. All we could do was laugh. The next morning we headed down by the river (bordering VT & NH) for a little Vermont breakfast, complete with Vermont Maple Syrup, and then hit the road again.

Our drive through New Hampshire to Maine was breath taking. The leaves were just beginning to turn Autumny with beauty around every curve, so the 3.5 hour drive flew by. I could've driven forever. We pulled into Portland around 3ish, picked up Bri's sister, Zoe, and headed to Beals. Yummy. Zoe then showed us one of her favorite shops, Abacus. I want one! I pretty much wanted everything in there. We stopped at the Promenade so I could put my feet in the Atlantic (even if it was just a Bay. Honestly, I think the Atlantic is a myth).

We headed back to the house to unpack a bit. I went for a walk along the Prom and took a lot of pictures. I love exploring by myself. I love the adventure. I headed back to the house for a home cooked meal (yummy cous cous) and a movie.

The next morning I awoke early to meet Brenda Piazza for breakfast down the street. Brenda works for the CBIZ San Diego office and she and I worked together a little over 3 years ago. Somehow we've kept in contact. I'm not sure how it happened, but I must have made an impression. It was one of the worst few months of my life when we met. Anyway, she happened to be in Maine for vacation, and decided to drive 2 hours to meet up with me for breakfast since I was leaving that day. :) It was lovely. Good to catch up a little bit. I haven't seen her in over 2 years and even though we both live in So. Cal, we were able to hang out in Maine. Kinda weird. As I was walking back to the house, I turned onto the street and heard a lady screaming and saw a bunch of people standing around in the street. What I saw next broke my heart. A beautiful Golden Retriever was hobbling around and whimpering, back legs obviously crushed. He finally just layed down, still breathing. It was awful. I felt helpless. And all I could do was keep walking.

Bri and I hung out with her fam for a bit longer, loaded up the car and headed back down to Boston. We made a stop for lunch in the town of Portsmouth, NH for fish & chips at a cute little pub. However, when we got there streets were blocked off, and the pub closed for the Bicycle Race that was going on. It was a sight to see. But alas, we didn't get the fish & chips.

We hopped back in the car, drove back to Boston, where we found Sake the sushi place. ;) There weren't that many people in the restaurant so we had 4 little Japanese ladies staring at Bri, and breathing down my neck the entire time we ate. I could seriously feel them hovering. The food was yummy though.

Bri then jumped in the driver's seat, and I was on my way back to California. It was one of the best trips ever. Too short, as all good trips are. I acquired all 4 shot glasses for the new states I visited. And can not believe I only have 5 states left. I'm going to have to get some new goals.

Winning a Battle, Losing the War

A bit overwhelmed I am. I feel like I'm juggling fine china, and desperately trying not to let anything drop or else result in the shattering of, my life in this case. I don't know how to keep up. I try to take one day at a time, but then there's always something that gets put on the back burner.

Sigh. I don't even know where to begin it's so muddled in my head.

The thing I've been talking about most is "The Challenge". This is the new crazy big financial audit that I'm in charge of for SCRRA. There is just so much about this job, that I feel like I'm not going to be able to keep my head above water. Meanwhile, the manager on the job talks to me like I'm a 5 year old. And this pisses me off. It is true, that I haven't done too many jobs like this one. And I probably don't know as much as I should. But he doesn't need to talk down to me. Just give me a some guidance. And all the while, I have other jobs that I'm trying to finish. (Infrastructure, if you're me, you'll understand what this is.) I have the weirdest job.

I need to go to the dentist.

I helped host my little sister's bridal shower this morning. I think it turned out well. I was in charge of games. The one game that I thought was fantastic was a musical game. Where I played a clip from a song that had the word "love" in the title and the guests had to guess the song and artist.

How deep is your love – The Bee Gees – 1:52
Bleeding Love – Leona Lewis - :38
Love & Marriage – Frank Sinatra – 1:54- 2:09
Endless Love – Luther Vandross (Mariah Carey) - :06-:20
Accidentally In Love – Counting Crows – 1:07-1:25
Groovy Kind of Love – Phil Collins – 2:04-2:30
All you Need is Love – The Beatles - :30-:42
Love In an Elevator – Aerosmith – 3:32
Make you Feel my Love – Adele – 1:29-1:52
Can’t Get Enough of Your Love, Babe – Barry White
Seasons of Love – Rent - :33-:44
Because You Loved Me – Celine Dion – 2:40-2:55
You Are Loved – Josh Groban – 2:08-2:36
I Will Always Love You – Whitney Houston – 2:40-2:49
Can You Feel the Love Tonight – 2:02-2:14


I think it went over pretty well. I had fun with it anyway. I also made her bouquet out of the ribbons from the presents. That turned out awesome also. I'm good at those for some reason. Beth's turned out pretty cool too. I told Auntie Dorothy that if it's never going to happen for me, atleast I'm good at making other people's bouquets. She scoffed at me, and I saw mom shoot me a dirty look.

I don't sleep enough.

I leave for Boston this week. I've been waiting for this trip since April. Get to see the Angels play at Fenway too. I keep telling people that this trip could change my life and I might not return because I will just end up moving there instead. We'll see how it goes. We stay in Vermont on Friday night, and Maine on Saturday night, and then home again home again on Sunday. Crazy.
I don't think I'm going to pass the CPA. Seems nearly impossible. I'm supposed to take another part on October 3rd, but I feel like I should postpone it. Studying is hard.

I called a loan officer to inquire about getting pre-approved for a home loan. We played phone tag for a few days. I was supposed to call her back the next day. That was 2 weeks ago.
We need to start looking for another roommate. The one that was in charge of everything is ending up to be bad with money, and has turned in our rent late for the past 3 months. Our cable went out on Thursday because she couldn't pay the cable bill. She failed to mention that she was having problems until the day before. Pissed.

Apparently auto-immune diseases run in the family. They're crazy rare in the general population, and now all 3 of us girls have something. How weird is that?

Did I mention I don't sleep enough?

My relationships are taking a toll on me. Haven't seen the guy I'm supposed to be dating in 3 weeks and therefore, haven't told him how frustrated I am with the lack of progression in our relationship. However, I have been ignoring calls. Okay, honestly I have been just busy when he calls. But still, I haven't returned the call. I have seen one of my friends that I don't see very often twice in the past 3 weeks. I had been doing very good with keeping the healthy distance though. Well on the way to "breaking up". And funny enough it seems he's doing the same thing. Is it a double standard? I want to be the one to pull away, but I want to know that I was appreciated. That I meant something. If I'm just going to fade away, it was a lot of investment into a relationship for naught. I think it's happening, and yes, it makes me sad. I had an opportunity to explain why I need to pull away, but I chickened out. sigh. I keep second guessing myself though as to why it needs to happen, maybe it isn't inevitable.

And this is just the stuff that is actually happening. These aren't even the battles raging in my brain. There are plenty of those as well.

I feel like if I only take one thing at a time something will slip and it will all crumble. So then I try and tackle it all at once, which also results in failure. Maybe stepping back a few days will help. Or else it will just all be waiting here when I return. Winning a battle, losing the war.

Revelry

Born to run baby, run like a stream down a mountainside. With the wind at my back I won't ever even bat an eye.

I think I'm emotionally damaged. I've started dating someone new. It's been about 2 months, and it's still physically awkward. We don't touch. I hug hello, I hug goodbye. That's it. It's like starting from scratch every single time we see each other. I'm frustrated. I'm exhausted after every time I see him because it's so much work to be with him. I mean, I don't really feel like myself. It's not comfortable. I feel like my body language is open, flirty, and fun. And yet, nothing. I guess I should take some responsibility, but I think that it's mostly just him. From what I've seen, he's a cheesy Christian. And I'm not sure I'm okay with that. I'm definitely not like that. Or atleast anymore. I feel like he's very naive about some things, and I'm not sure I want to stick around to open his eyes. He is 3 years younger than I am, and granted I've changed a lot in the last 3 years. So it's possible for him. But I think that I was forced into. Life circumstances change you. Not for the worse, and not necessarily for the better. Just changed. Sigh. It should work. He's a nice guy. And he likes me. But honestly, I don't know that we have anything in common. It's getting to the point where I'm avoiding his calls and ignoring his texts. That's not right. I think I've realized a few things about myself, and characteristics that I'm looking for in a spouse. I don't necessarily need him to be the "bread winner", but I need him to be smart about money and have shit together. I want him to be bold, and take initiative. I want him to be interested in sports, and be willing to play them as well. I want him to be funny and make me laugh. I want him to love Jesus, but be willing to hear doubts and frustrations without judgment. Am I being too picky?
I think I'm very guarded as well. It takes a lot for me open up about certain things. And that has always been the case. I've never been very physically affectionate. I don't know why that is either. But once I'm "forced" into it, I'm good. It's more comfortable. This is why I think I'm emotionally damaged. I don't really know how to fix that. I wish I was different.

So the time we shared, it was precious to me. All the while I was dreaming of revelry.

Panic Switch

I don't know why it happens. Like a tidal wave the panic consumes me at times. The most recent episode was yesterday. I'm studying for the CPA exam, and realized that I'm not ready. That I'm not going to be ready by the time my test is scheduled. I think I have to postpone it. I think it's the best thing. But I really wanted to bust it out, be brilliant, and be done with it. It doesn't work like that. Things have happened to distract my efforts. There will always be things that distract my efforts.

Three Year Anniversary

It's been 3 years today since I've had the thymectomy. And just a month more than that since I was diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis. I can't believe it's been that long. Still feels like just yesterday.
3 years ago I couldn't smile, squint my eyes, see straight, feel my lips, swallow, or even talk at times. I was exhausted all the time. I would eat cereal and food would fall out of my mouth. That's when I started to think something was wrong. It wasn't until the inability to swallow, smile, or talk did I know for sure.
I thought for sure I was going to die in a hotel room by myself in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Definitely not a place I wanted to spend my last days.
And now, 3 years later, I'm still here. Although MG is a chronic auto-immune neuromuscular disease, it's quite treatable. It is still a struggle every single day. I still have awful awful days. There are still days that I can't feel my lips, see straight, swallow, or make my arms function properly. I still have to take pills every 4 hours. But when I remember back to what I was like, when I look at pictures of the non-facial expression, I can't help but be amazed at how much better I am. For some reason I think that's why I burn the candle at both ends. I try and fit as much into life that I can, right now while I have it. What else are we here for?

Life Goes Easy on me... most of the time

I hung out with Tracey, one of my favorite people and who I consider one of my best friends, this weekend. I've known Trace since, oh, probably pre-school. She's been one of my best friends though probably since some time in high school.  She's one of the ones where we don't see eachother often, but we can pick up like no time has passed.  Those are the good ones. 
Anyway... We were talking about marriage and kids and life and wondered how we got here. It seems like yesterday we were freshman in high school. And now, we're coming up on the 10 year reunion. How does this happen? We were talking about the crazy turns life takes and how we dealt with it. Trace has now been married for 5 years and they've been trying to have kids for the past 2. They just recently found out they couldn't have kids. After much thought and prayer they decided to adopt, BUT they're adopting embyros. This way she can carry the baby herself. It's not a guarentee though. The implant is happening in a few days. I'm excited, and nervous for them. We talked about the disappointment of not being able to have children. And I have to admit, I've had this thought about myself serveral times. First, for some reason I've just had this feeling that I won't be able to. I don't know why. And then second, I've been feeling more and more over the past few months that I'm running out of time. I talked about this with Alyssa when I visited NC. She assured me I have plenty of time, that maybe I know my future husband already, that I may just have to not wait 5 years to make it happen, or just not have the 4+ kids I wanted. I appreciate these thoughts, and I try not to get stuck on how I think it should happen. Trace is a perfect example of this, isn't she?  Life throws curve balls. You gotta go with it.
And I can't wait to see what happens in Trace's situation... I have a feeling it's gonna be pretty amazing.  She's good people.  I wanna be like her when I grow up.
And I really shouldn't complain. Life does go easy on me most of the time. But sometimes I get emotional and can't help but cry, "When is it my turn?"

Emotional Connection

How do you console someone who is super bummed about a musician dying, that they've never met... I understand music speaks to us all differently, and somehow there's this emotional connection with an artist even though we never meet them. We still feel like we know them for some reason. It's the whole John Lennon or Kurt Cobain thing too. But still, I don't know what to say. Or how to make it better. Sucks. I just sat there helpless. Not a good feeling.

Here Come the Waves

This one is a toughie to write. It's hard to admit when we've screwed up, isn't it? It's not so much the screw up, but it's the admission more I think. Admit to yourself, admit to others. I'm not sure everyone feels this way, but I know I have this feeling that I've disappointed people that maybe believed in me. And it's more likely that it's all in my head than actual reality. Blah. Hate this.
It started a few days ago I think. I don't know how it started though. I just knew I was frustrated. And I've been mean and passive aggressive, and people know it. But that all changed when we went to probably the best concert I've ever been to. The Decemberists at the Palladium in Hollywood was amazing! AH. MAZE. ING. Kinda have no words.
Happened again today though. I messed up, and said something I shouldn't have. I pried. I just wasn't thinking. And now... the passive agressiveness has begun again. I feel like I'm a teenager again, and super immature. Why am I acting like this?
And then, I did something stupid. I bought a present, out of spite I think. And the thing is, this person's going to love it. I hope it's worth it. In this process I came to the realization that I am a bit screwed up. I think that if I do something wrong, I try to buy back that person's love, or buy back good graces maybe in this case. It's silly. I know. But I can't think of any other reason. I was right in the middle of getting scolded when I decided it was going to happen. Seriously? Who does that?
Nothing is better. Yet at least. I don't know if it's just retaliation or if I'm reading more into it than I should be, but I'm just so frustrated. I don't want to be, but I am.


In other hilarious news, I wore my shirt inside out the entire day. Had no idea. Perfect.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

"Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, I heard it once, I heard it once in a lullaby. Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue. And those of you who dare to dream, dreams really can come true." original lyrics by E.Y. Harburg, adapted by Shawn McDonald.

Is it all just an alternate universe? The happiness. Does it only take place if we dare to dream it, and even then is it really only a dream? Do bluebirds only fly over the rainbow? The song says someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me... when is that day? Dreams really can come true, but only can. Not will. Not they definitely will come true. I don't even know what this song means. It's a sad song. It's of wanting something more. And yet, I think through it all there is this hope that it can be changed, even without the guarantee. It's kinda like my life.

Grey Sky Morning

It's been an interesting morning. I awoke with a gasp. Glanced at the clock and realized the alarm hadn't sounded and I was already 10 minutes late to meet my co-worker, Konstantine. I quickly gathered my remaining unpacked things, got myself ready, and met him in the lobby. Grabbed a quick yogurt and headed out to the car. While packing the trunk a box full of my papers and crap fell over and was strewn across the pavement, all the whilst 2 cars were waiting to pass and their drivers just sat there and stared at me. The morning was warm and humid, but the sun wasn't shining. My hair instantly became a football helmet of frizzyness, despite my straightening efforts. How do people live like this? Got to the familiar old Vantage building, a sight I haven't seen almost 3 weeks, where Konstantine handed the key off to me and told me to go up by myself, while he got coffee. :( Went up and got myself situated, and as soon as he returned I told him I was going down to get a cup for myself. As I walked down the stairs I looked forward to hearing my "preciate you". (is that wrong?) I filled up my cup and set it aside to get a creamer. However, I must have set it on a ridge in the counter, because all of a sudden my life was in slow motion. I could see the cup tipping over and the coffee spilling out, but I was helpless to stop it. All over the counter and all over the front of my skirt, coffee. I just stood there, thinking... is this really happening? Really?
Luckily, I am going home today, so I had an entire wardrobe in the trunk of the car. Two thumbs up for mornings that suck.

What Sarah Said

I just listened to the Death Cab for Cutie song "What Sarah Said". It's kind of a sad song, but one of the last lines in the song is "Love is watching someone die." Is that true? I mean, that doesn't define love. It's true, love isn't going to run if those are the circumstances. So it's a characteristic of love maybe. Love is going to stick it out 'til the end, no matter the circumstance. In health, and in sickness. In life, and in death. The last line asks, "who is going to watch you die?" And here I wonder. My family would stick it out. Who else? And then, the questions that everyone asks at one point or another is "Who would go to my funeral?" Who would care? Who have I influenced? Who have I touched? Who cares? Who loves/loved? Tough questions. And I can only hope I've made a difference. Do we really ever know if it's true?
Thoughts running through my head.

Cabin Fever

Sigh.
I'm still in Nashville. It's Thursday of week 4 in Nash, and the 9th straight week away from home. Of the past 61 days I've been home 8. And today, it hit me. I don't know what it was that did it. I've been fine up until this point. I think I got a little antsy in Indianapolis the last week or 2 as well. But today it was extreme. I felt weak and tired last night after work, but I thought it was just the MG. Today, I had almost a panic attack that I was running out of time to do the work, and yet I still had another week to go. I began to vent my stress to my manager, hoping he'd just talk me down, but instead he told me to go home for a week. So instead of finishing one more week here, I'm going to go home, finish up another job, and then head back here in a week or two to finish the last week. I don't know if that's crazy. I feel like it's giving up a little. I feel like I should be strong enough to have been able to finish. But apparently I'm not. I panic.
I finished a photo project that I've been working on for a year. It was a self portrait project. I had to take a picture of myself, any part of me as long as I was in it, every day for a year. Foot, toe, finger, ear, hair, eyeball... anything. And the goal of the picture was to capture the feel of the day. That didn't always happen, but I tried. It was a lot of work trying to think of something creative every day, and there isn't anywhere I went without the camera. But now it's done, and I have this sense of loss I think. Like a part of me is missing. I've gotten so used to taking and posting that picture everyday, and now that it's done, something isn't right. Oh, I'm happy for the break. I absolutely needed it. It was draining. But I still miss it. I'll probably go again, sooner than later. But right now I'm in the mourning process. And maybe that's why the homesickness hit so hard all of a sudden. Don't know.
Just know that I'm tired. I'm stressed. And I'm ready to be done. Get me out of Nashville.

Running Through My Head

"Music is the electrical soil in which the spirit lives, thinks and invents." - Ludwig van Beethoven

I find that this is true in my life. Live music is the best. It gives you a high like nothing else. I try and get to as many concerts and shows as possible without over doing it. Can you overdo it? I try and share a Song of the Day every week day with a few people. It consumes me some times... picking the right song. I used to be worried they would judge me for the kind of music I like or listen to, but I think I've gotten over that. Mostly because I've realized it I like it, and that's really all that matters. I've called myself a music slut. For the most part I like everything and will give anything a try. It's such an emotional connection. And one song doesn't speak to someone the same as it does to someone else. That is the wonder of it. Soundtrack of my life.

Confusion

As always I am confused by life. Why have things gone the way they have gone?

Thoughts, Fears, & Doubts

I've been rolling around an idea in my mind for some time now. You know, the kind of morsel that you just have to suck on in order for it to be any good.... and as soon as you bite down to chew, the experience, the flavor, the moment is lost forever.
The idea is a move. A big move. I've been thinking this for years, and probably should have done it straight out of college, but comfort zones take over and common sense wins out.
It really doesn't make sense to move. My entire family is here, and they are my support, my best friends. My job is here. And in this economy it just isn't smart to be starting something new, when you have stability where you are. My friends are here. And sometimes I feel like I don't have room in my life for anymore. And yet, why do I feel like I'm going no where?
Moving would mean a fresh start. Trying something for myself. Getting a new social circle. Meeting someone new? Someone special? Being independent. Relying on God and not myself for a change. I think it would be good for me.
I'm stuck in Indiana by myself right now. Maybe that's where all these thoughts are coming from. Just that being away really wouldn't be so bad. Realizing that I need a clean break from relationships that already exist in my life. I'm just not sure I can do it.
If I actually bite down will the excitement, the flavor, the magic of the idea be gone?

And so it begins...

Travel season is underway! Two back to backers this year. (Indianapolis & Nashville). This is the first time I've done that. I've said that I've been very panicked about it though, and haven't quite been able to voice my reasons for the panic. I think being away from home for 2 months is a big part of it. And I'm doing work that I haven't done in 2 years, so that makes me a little nervous. I'm going to a new location I've never been before (Indy), which is a little bit of an adventure. And I'm going with a new guy I've only had lunch with once. Spending 2 months with a person tends to make or break you. I have this fear that we'll end up hating eachother. I tend to get irritated easily. I don't mean to. It kinda just happens. And if I couldn't get along with Seth (who I hate to admit is probably one of my best friends these days) for a full 4 weeks last year, how the hell am I going to handle a new guy? He has some big shoes to fill. I've been out on these projects with Seth for the past 2 years. I think another part of the panic is whether I'll be able to do this without him there. I should be able to do this alone, or atleast have a good time with the new guy, but I think Seth and I get eachother. We had similar work styles, and late nights, and interests. We'll see how it goes...
Happy March. How did we get here? How the hell?

Beautiful Oblivion

Starry nights city lights coming down over me
Skyscrapers and stargazers in my head.

Tonight I attempted to see the comet. I love stars... and tonight it was soooo clear. If only my complex were not as well light as it is. I think I would like to invest in a telescope. Is that too A Walk To Remember? If I tell a boy not to fall in love with me, will it actually happen?

Who Am I?

There is this facebook trend going on right now where everyone writes 25 things about themselves. It's supposed to be things no one else really knows, or just random things about you. Why did that take me 2 hours to do? Do I not know myself? Truth is, I'm not sure that I do. I may have gotten lost in what I think others think of me, and have slowly become that person. I may have lost myself somewhere along this path I've taken. That saddens me. I keep thinking that once I find myself, I will find or be found by my husband. How do I find myself? It's not something anyone else can do for you.
I wrote a note today for a former junior high student of mine that is now in the hospital on suicide watch. It was meant to be encouraging. I always thought that was one of my spiritual gifts. Encouragement. The note was written in bright markers and looked very cheery. But when I was finished writing it I had this fear that I had over done it somehow. That it would have the reverse effect. So I gave it to one of my co-workers to read and asked if it was okay, or if it would make a suicidal person even more suicidal. He replied... no I think it's good, makes me think you're not incredibly happy with your own life though. :(
This what I wrote:
hello lovely [t], I miss seeing your beautiful face. :) I really wish I got to see it more. Your smile makes me smile. You... my dear... are incredible. You are brave and courageous. I wish I had your spunk. I pray you know how important you are. You are! Do not doubt that. Even for a second. You have a purpose. You may not fully know what that is yet... I don't fully know what my purpose is yet, and I'm old ;p. But isn't that part of the adventure of this life? When I'm having a rough time I keep thinking that It gets better than this. It always does. You just have to choose to Hope. One day at a time. The bigger picture is sometimes overwhelming. One day at a time. Let me tell you who you are. In fact, let me proclaim who you are. You are an heir of God and a co-heir with Christ (Rom 8:17). You are eternal, like an angel. (Luke 20: 36) You have a crown that will last forever. ( I Cor. 9:25). You are a holy priest ( I Pet. 2:5) a treasured possession (Exod 19:5). You were chosen before the creation of the world (Eph 1:4). You are destined for "praise, fame, and honor, and you will be a holy people to the Lord your God." (Duet 26:19). But more than any of the above - more significant than any title or position - is the simple fact that You Are God's Child! "The Father has loved us so much that we are called children of God. And we really are his children." (I John 3:1) Believe it! :) You matter. I love ya kiddo... as soooo many do. You're special!
Am I any good at what I have a passion for? This is the 2nd junior higher that I've been involved with that's tried to commit suicide in the past 2 years. When I was at my other church, I had 2 pregnant 15 year olds in my small group.
It is true, I too have been a little blue lately. I don't know whether that's just the work stress, or the weather, or the MG, or the post holiday depression. Or if it really is something more than that. I've always said that it's a decision... your attitude is a decision. You choose how you're going to be. Happy, sad, mean, nice, selfish, thankful.... it's all a decision. But right now, I'm not so sure.
Well, here are the 25 things that are true about me. As of right now anyway.
1. It is my life goal to visit all 50 states. I only have 10 left to go. (Alaska, Connecticut, Maine, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, North Carolina, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Vermont, & West Virginia ) oh, and I collect a shot glass from all that I go to. Once I get the 50, I'll have to move on to Countries.
2. Someday I'll make it to all 30 Major League Baseball stadiums. So far I've ht 14. They're all super unique, so don't make me choose my favorite. I would love to go on your baseball trip Jen!
3. I love Kettle Korn. I'm eating it as I type. BUT I've often wondered if freshly made kettle korn tastes like Manna from Heaven.
4. I think Freinds is probably the best television show ever. Although The Office is pretty stellar as well. Tough one folks.
5. While playing softball in Mexico one summer, our team was on a Mexican radio commercial. I can't remember what we said though. But I can totally remember the studio.
6. I love to sleep, but for some reason have a hard time actually doing that. I have always thought that i would miss something if I went to sleep. I really need to get over that. My health suffers because of my lack of sleep.
7. The simple things make me happy, and one them is to give and get real mail. That's right. REAL Mail. Snail mail. U.S. Post. Put a stamp on it baby!!
8. I have broken 3 bones, and have had 4 major surgeries and 1 minor surgery. But I'm not a klutz, or sickly.
9. I have this unexplicable love for music by Queen. I really don't get how that happened.
10. I wish I could Crimp my hair every single day. I think it's the best hairstyle ever. I definitely own my own crimper, but don't use it enough.
11. I'm a little bit, okay more than a little bit, obsessed with checking my email. It's become a habit I can't break.
12. It bothers me when boys call me "man". Girls can call me man, but not boys. Is that weird?
13. For most of my life I've had a fear of talking to people I don't know. It was to the point where I didn't even want to order at a fast food restuarant or on the phone. I still don't like it, but I've definitely gotten better at it. Sometimes I say what I'm going to say or have just said to myself under my breath to make sure I said it correctly.
14. Fourteen is my number. My favorite number.
15. I love stars. Dark clear nights with hundreds of stars out makes me gasp. Too bad where I live has the crazy light pollution. Also - I think paying to name a star is a waste of money.
16. I have always wanted to be a writer. Not necessarily as a career, but write in such a way that it changes people or makes people think.
17. I wish I was more political.
18. I can't help but quote movie lines when I know them and sing along with songs that I know. I know it probably bugs people, but sometimes i can't help myself.
19. Sometimes I get scared that if I become too independent I won't know how to share my life with someone, whenever he comes around.
20. I have a little book where I write down cool quotes that I hear or read. It's one of my most treasured things.
21. Brushing my teeth is one of my favorite things to do. Perhaps that's why I've never had a cavity. Although I do have the man made million dollar smile and still wear my retainer when I sleep because of it. NERD.
22. I sleep with 6 regular size pillows and 1 body pillow, and sometimes still think it's not enough.
23. The sound of cracking bones gives me the willies. knuckles, backs, necks, feet. anything. And yet, secretly wish I could do it to relieve some stress.
24. My most vivid nightmare was after watching Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and thinking my hands were going to get chopped off.
25. I would like to get a tattoo. I can't make a decision to save my life though, so how would I be able to choose what I'd like to stick with me for life?

Scream

Where is the line between faking it and just hanging on because you know it's true, you just need some time to feel it again? Is it true that going through the motions, leads to real emotions? Sometimes I just want to scream.

Shake Shake Shake

Ever have one of those days that you just want to cry and desperately need a hug? It's been that kind of week. Few weeks actually. I don't know why really. Work has been rough, and I really think that's the worst of it. But I have been feeling like I've failed in most aspects of my life. It was one thing after another, I just screw up. Little things at times, like misspelling a word or not succeeding in the theme for my photos. But everything together made me crumble. It was just emotionally, spiritually, even physically draining. I shut everyone out because I just didn't want to talk about it, think about it, deal with it. And then those that I shut out got upset that they hadn't heard from me. One in particular. I don't really understand it. We normally talk everyday, and we didn't really talk in a week, and I'm pissing him off? Do I need to tell him everything that's going on in my life? I think he tells me pretty much everything that's going on in his, and I love it, but does that mean I need to reciprocate? He was, maybe is, one of my best friends. But recently I've been feeling like I need to protect myself a little more. That he can't be the one I tell everything to. That if he's that person for me, then I won't be as open to find someone else to be that person for me. Is that unfair? Maybe it is. Anyway, that's a whole other topic.
So my funk for the past couple weeks has kind of worn off. I'm not entirely sure why I've been so discouraged. Is it just me? Was there a full moon? Is it just post holiday depression? I don't know. Tomorrow Seth is coming for an "intervention". So I'll have to discuss the funk with him. I'll try and be as honest as I can. Sometimes I'm way too vague. He thinks he can fix me. But I don't think he can. I'll try to let him try. I think he needs to think he's making a difference. We'll see how it goes.
I'll keep trying to shake the funk. It happens every now and then. I'll continue to try and shake it.

Starting Over

Sometimes I wish I could just start over. Life, relationships, career. Everything. There are so many things that I would do differently if given the chance. Sometimes a just want a redo. That's sort of how the new year feels. Like a brand new start, although I know that it truly isn't. I wish it were.
I have tremendous plans for this year. I want to pass the exam. I want to buy a house. I want to become a manager. I want to fall in love. I want to become a better photographer. I want to travel more. I find it strange though that when thinking of my plans for this year, falling in love is 4th? I want that now. I've wanted it for years. Why am I scared of it? What am I waiting for? For the longest time I've been focused on other things. Athletics, Education, Career, Independence. Now that I have all those things, where am I? And the older I get the more independent I get. And that scares me even more. I want someone to share things with. I worry that I've been on my own for so long that I won't know how to share my life with someone. I don't know how to be vulnerable. I shut myself off too quickly.
So here, in 2009, I can pretend to start over. I can learn to do things differently than how I've done them in the past. I will keep an open mind. I will learn from my mistakes. And I will try new things. I think I want to be a little more dependent, as scary as that is.