Scream

Where is the line between faking it and just hanging on because you know it's true, you just need some time to feel it again? Is it true that going through the motions, leads to real emotions? Sometimes I just want to scream.

Shake Shake Shake

Ever have one of those days that you just want to cry and desperately need a hug? It's been that kind of week. Few weeks actually. I don't know why really. Work has been rough, and I really think that's the worst of it. But I have been feeling like I've failed in most aspects of my life. It was one thing after another, I just screw up. Little things at times, like misspelling a word or not succeeding in the theme for my photos. But everything together made me crumble. It was just emotionally, spiritually, even physically draining. I shut everyone out because I just didn't want to talk about it, think about it, deal with it. And then those that I shut out got upset that they hadn't heard from me. One in particular. I don't really understand it. We normally talk everyday, and we didn't really talk in a week, and I'm pissing him off? Do I need to tell him everything that's going on in my life? I think he tells me pretty much everything that's going on in his, and I love it, but does that mean I need to reciprocate? He was, maybe is, one of my best friends. But recently I've been feeling like I need to protect myself a little more. That he can't be the one I tell everything to. That if he's that person for me, then I won't be as open to find someone else to be that person for me. Is that unfair? Maybe it is. Anyway, that's a whole other topic.
So my funk for the past couple weeks has kind of worn off. I'm not entirely sure why I've been so discouraged. Is it just me? Was there a full moon? Is it just post holiday depression? I don't know. Tomorrow Seth is coming for an "intervention". So I'll have to discuss the funk with him. I'll try and be as honest as I can. Sometimes I'm way too vague. He thinks he can fix me. But I don't think he can. I'll try to let him try. I think he needs to think he's making a difference. We'll see how it goes.
I'll keep trying to shake the funk. It happens every now and then. I'll continue to try and shake it.

Starting Over

Sometimes I wish I could just start over. Life, relationships, career. Everything. There are so many things that I would do differently if given the chance. Sometimes a just want a redo. That's sort of how the new year feels. Like a brand new start, although I know that it truly isn't. I wish it were.
I have tremendous plans for this year. I want to pass the exam. I want to buy a house. I want to become a manager. I want to fall in love. I want to become a better photographer. I want to travel more. I find it strange though that when thinking of my plans for this year, falling in love is 4th? I want that now. I've wanted it for years. Why am I scared of it? What am I waiting for? For the longest time I've been focused on other things. Athletics, Education, Career, Independence. Now that I have all those things, where am I? And the older I get the more independent I get. And that scares me even more. I want someone to share things with. I worry that I've been on my own for so long that I won't know how to share my life with someone. I don't know how to be vulnerable. I shut myself off too quickly.
So here, in 2009, I can pretend to start over. I can learn to do things differently than how I've done them in the past. I will keep an open mind. I will learn from my mistakes. And I will try new things. I think I want to be a little more dependent, as scary as that is.