Sometimes I wish I could just start over. Life, relationships, career. Everything. There are so many things that I would do differently if given the chance. Sometimes a just want a redo. That's sort of how the new year feels. Like a brand new start, although I know that it truly isn't. I wish it were.
I have tremendous plans for this year. I want to pass the exam. I want to buy a house. I want to become a manager. I want to fall in love. I want to become a better photographer. I want to travel more. I find it strange though that when thinking of my plans for this year, falling in love is 4th? I want that now. I've wanted it for years. Why am I scared of it? What am I waiting for? For the longest time I've been focused on other things. Athletics, Education, Career, Independence. Now that I have all those things, where am I? And the older I get the more independent I get. And that scares me even more. I want someone to share things with. I worry that I've been on my own for so long that I won't know how to share my life with someone. I don't know how to be vulnerable. I shut myself off too quickly.
So here, in 2009, I can pretend to start over. I can learn to do things differently than how I've done them in the past. I will keep an open mind. I will learn from my mistakes. And I will try new things. I think I want to be a little more dependent, as scary as that is.
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