hit again.

Damn you acetycholine receptor antibodies.

It's been a bad couple weeks.  Slurred speech and everything.  After months of feeling fantastic, and cutting down on meds big time... this one hit hard. 

Cha cha cha chaaaaanges

Friday was a big day. 

My company has been going through a lot of difficulty this past year.  It's been really hard to sit outside my boss's office and hear him slowly lose the fight.  It seems he's become calloused to the loss of clients... I know this can't be true.  But how much fight can you put into the same phone call saying yet another client is breaking contract.  When it's all there is... you fight.

So.  Friday was a big day.  I've been hearing things for a long time.  There have been meetings.  Shareholders have been on the move.  Things were happening.  Friday, the bomb dropped.  13 layoffs.  This coming after 3 people were fired the month before.  And a good half dozen people have quit in the past 6 months.  We're at scary low numbers here.  And somehow I'm still around.
I went to talk to my boss the night before, and told him I knew things were going down.  He just said it was going to be a hard day.  I told him I'd be there early.

So things started happening right at 8am.  People were crying.  I think there was a lot of confusion from all the newbies.  Every time I heard footsteps I got a little uneasy.  I had to go to the bathroom, but I was afraid to leave my desk.

My roommate knew she would probably get chopped.  I had my hopes she wouldn't.  She never made it a secret that she wanted to move and/or not work there anymore.  This gave good reason.  My roommate was one of the ones to go.

13 people.  Some with 7, 8, 10 years with the firm.  It could have easily been me. 

So today we went back to work.  Today was a little eerie.  A little ghostly.  Definitely after-math.   
We'll see what tomorrow brings.

I'm getting a little scared.

Just For Me

I've had a rough few weeks.  Lately I've been feeling like all my relationships are falling apart.  Just crumbling.  And I really have not done too much to stop this from happening.  I haven't been pleasant... I know this.  Something happens in my brain sometimes where I get really stressed out, and then I shut down. Or I build up how people should act towards me, and then when that doesn't happen I freak out, or get crazy frustrated.  If the person is close to me, then I get very passive aggressive.  I pretend like everything is fine, but I make backhanded remarks.  Or I ignore completely.   The past few days has been a combination of this and just flat out paranoia.  I got scared because several friends cancelled plans all about the same time.  Communication with the other friends have had been minimal or nonexistent.  And then I doubt everything.  Doubt is dangerous.  Maybe it's fear.  And you know what Yoda says, right?  Fear leads to anger.  Anger leads to hate.  Hate leads to suffering.    Sigh. 

And then... after much debate, I went to RH by myself.  And the message was about Learning Contentment.  And not just in finances or life situations (which is really what I always associate contentment with, not sure why)... but also with relationships.  Knowledge bomb!

So what was said is that sometimes you feel frustrated in relationships because you expect certain things from people.   You expect to be treated a certain way.  He also said that when we are not content, it usually means we are not content with God.  Because ultimately all things come from him, right?  And when we are not satisfied with something, it's like we're saying we're not satisfied with God.

Yes... I think I need to change my attitude towards people.  Because yes, I do get frustrated very easily when I feel like I deserve something, and people are not living up to that expectation.  It happens more than I would like to admit.  And what I think is being said is that this person that I'm frustrated with, doesn't really owe me anything... that my frustrations are built up from my own expectations.

But... here's my problem.  Shouldn't I expect to be treated with respect?  Shouldn't I expect reciprocation in relationships?  Or is this just me justifying my frustrations?  I am really torn about this.  Because obviously not every relationship is perfect every second of every day.  You hit rough patches, you get through it... But you can't let people take advantage of you.   You can't just give all, and say you don't deserve anything in return.  Or should you?  The pastor went on to read a poem about dying to self.  And then I think, wow. Yep. I guess I shouldn't care how others treat me.

Is this really what God wants for me?  I'm confused.


Also -

This choked me up...