Several times this weekend I have felt like who I am, and what I do is not enough. Most of these instances I inflicted these feelings on myself. I see traits and talents in others that I wish that I had. Other times, it's a person challenging me to make something more of my life. And even though I know it's because he wants what's best for me, it still makes me feel like who I am now, and the life I've created, isn't complete.
I took a part of the CPA exam yesterday morning. I think I did better than I have been doing on tests, but I still highly doubt that I passed. It's crushing to me when I have to tell people this. I don't want to keep failing. I want to move on. I want to deliver good news. It's frustrating. I keep wavering between telling everyone that I'm taking the test, and not telling anyone. If I don't tell anyone, I won't have to tell anyone I failed.
I'm jealous of others' artistic talents. I want to take prettier pictures. I see talents in others that I wish that I had. I wish I could draw. I wish I sang better, or played an instrument better. I wish I could write to influence. I wish I had more time to commit to perfecting an art. I do too many things and the focus is spread too thin. Excelling in something requires more dedication. Unless of course you're just naturally talented.
And finally... I'm still unsure about the move. I was told I would not be complete until I get away from the family and really be on my own. I know this is a big reason why I wanted to go anyway, even though it's not the entire reason, and I think it's a valid point. But I really don't think that liking my family and wanting to be close to these people is wrong. I don't agree that I can't really be myself as long as I am hanging out with them. I don't think anyone can truly give you this advice. Here's the problem: People that have cut themselves off from their family have reasons why that happened in the first place, and people, like me, that haven't is because there hasn't been the need. I don't feel like it's an obligation. And so, is it really hindering me in life? Aaaaah. Is being too comfortable a bad thing?
I want to go back to the time when I didn't know the meaning of Fear.
