I read a blog the other day that hit on so much of what has been going through my mind the past few months. And if I'm being honest, it's been going through my head the past few years. I have several friends that are feeling this same way. And I think it's very interesting that even though we're all in different places, and have vastly different backgrounds, we have all come to a very similar conclusion. Why is that? What happened? Some of what is written below comes from that blog, but all was inspired by it. Happy to finally get some thoughts written out.
It really did just happen this way. Not intentional at all.
I'm tired of being a Christian. It seems like a past life. When I wore the bracelets, and had the stickers on my car, and bought the hype. Now I look back and think, wow, I fell victim to the commercialization of Christ.
I'm tired of being a Christian. I'm tired of what that means today. This word seems to be something to be ashamed of, not because of who we follow, but because of who also claims this title. I am tired of being a Christian, and God tells me, “It’s just a name. It’s just a label. And I have given you a new name. I am calling you Mine.” But you don’t just go around telling people that, now do you? Because the Christian title is one worn with great pride and at great cost. It is protected by many. It is even culturally relevant, accepted, assumed. When the masses are carrying the current a certain direction it’s pretty hard to feel like the right thing for you to do is to swim against the flow of status quo.
The problem for me really comes down to the definition of Christian. And my definition is obviously skewed and slanted and messy and disfigured. I can’t hold onto a title that I’ve been asked to honor, when the title is leaving me bitter and angry and lying to myself. People screw things up. And it's hard to get past that.
I am, oddly enough, not tired of Christ. I am in awe of the story of a rebel with a cause. A great cause. A cause that refused to be muddled up by the preconceptions of what it “should” be. I am in awe of the Creator of all things. And despite my insignificance, I am in great conversation with a God who seems to know my name and my heart far greater than I have ever given Him credit for. I am in shock that my religion has kept me so far from Him. And even more in shock that I was absolutely sure for years that I knew Him because I knew the rules of my religion.
This idea has been slowly forming for me in the past few years. I am grateful for the foundation that I have. It has shaped me, and given me solid basis for who I am and what I want to be. I don't think I would change it. But things happened and cynicism kicks in. I started to question the reason behind why we're doing some things, why we're told to believe certain things. What it really comes down to is Love. Seems simple enough. People matter. Love matters.
I'm tired of being a Christian if being a Christian means needing to give an explanation for every action I take.
I'm tired of being a Christian if being a Christian means that everything fits in to some neat little box, where we pretend nothing is ever wrong.
I'm tired of being a Christian if being a Christian is topical and glazes over important issues.
Every single day of my life is unpaved territory, and I’m being led by an unsafe (yet good) God who delights in mystery, wonder, the unexpected and JOY and He sure as hell doesn’t wrap everything up with a nice neat little bow for me. He lets me wrestle with my questions for as long as it takes. And you know what? I really like that about Him. He has far less problems with my imperfections than I do, and He refuses to make me be something I'm not. There is hope.
