Zombie

Insomnia is a bitch.  I have never been a very good sleeper, but the past few weeks it's been the worst.  It's gotten later and later...
And then when I finally do go to sleep, it's not a good sleep.  I wake up feeling like I hadn't slept at all.  Then the next day I walk around sluggish, cranky, emotional, and pretty much just in a daze.  Very zombie like.  Luckily I'm not craving brains.  That would be bad. 
I am considering drinking coffee again.  I'm pretty sure it will help.  At this point it's been just about 8 months without coffee.  And honestly, I can't think of a reason why I'm still doing it.  Just to be stubborn I guess. 
Braaaaaaaaaaaaains.

Organized Spontaneity

Seriously... these "flash mobs" melt my heart.  I get all giddy and teary and emotional every time I see something like this.  I'm not sure why... it just strikes something deep in my soul.  I LOVE them.  This one is amazing.


Amazing.

Dreaming

I don't write enough.  I've just gone back and reread some of the older posts and remember the days.  I like that.  It's the same with my photo project.  I can remember little parts of every day when I look back on the photos of that year.  It's the best thing ever.  It's torture while I'm doing it though.  (the photos at least, the writing isn't torture.  It's just time consuming.)  But I like the result.  I guess that's the same with most things isn't it.  It's a discipline.  Nothing is easy. 

The problem is now... since I've determined to be  more positive I'm not exactly sure what to write about.  Nothing has changed.  I'm still as confused as ever.

I've had a few weird dreams in the past couple months.  Now, let's remember that I do not dream very often, that I can remember.  The first one was my wedding.  This is the first time I've ever dreamt about my wedding.  I dreamt that it was the day of and I was in my dress and getting ready.  I remember my husband to be was there.  He was really great.  He got me a wedding day present, and I totally forgot anything to give to him.  And then my sister wished him a Happy Birthday, and thought wait... it's your birthday too?  That's weird.  Why did I not know this? And then I panicked.  I don't know this guy!  Why am I marrying him?  I can't marry him.  I felt awful.  So I called off the wedding!  I remember him being so sweet and I felt that he adored me.  And I ran out on him.  Then the next day no one would talk to me.  I vividly remember the panic.  It was awful.

A few weeks later I had the engagement dream.  But this was a really good dream.  The timing of the engagement was super quick though... I remember I had just met him. And within weeks he asked me.  I remember I said yes and this really surprised him.  I remember him saying "Really? I was going to wait another month, but it just felt right!"  But I remember being happy and super excited about it.  I think this one might have been a prequel to the wedding dream.  Another key fact was that he was just a bit shorter than me.  Apparently I'm okay with that if I said yes.  I don't know.  Even in my dreams my guy can't be taller than me?  Seriously?

And finally, my most recent dream is that I got a tattoo.  And I know I've been thinking about it for a long time, and I think I do actually want to get it.  Where I want it would be on my foot, and I think I've decided that I want the word "Hope".  But I want it really designed... I think I've resolved it to sort of be in the "Big Fish" font.  Kind of viney and branchy?  I think that would look nice.  Anyway... back to the dream.   All I really remember is that I had just finished getting it and then the all familiar wave of panic sweeping over me and thinking "what did I just do?"  That's about it. 

So there's a common theme here.  A lot of being scared of commitment.  I'm not really sure what that means, except that I'm scared of commitment.  :P  Why?  Not sure.  Once again, I think I'm emotionally damaged some how.   When did that happen? 

I want to make some commitments.  I'm ready.  I think I'm ready.