Remember

I guess it's time to flip the calendar from April 25 to July. Still breaks my heart.

Hope

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

~Emily Dickinson

This was emailed to me today...  Hope is a bird?  Hope in all that is dark and dreary never stops singing? 
Hope is my mantra.

Power of Smell

It can hit at any moment.  That whiff of something familar, out of no where... and then you're whisked away to some far off memory or unexpectedly with that person that just jumped in to your brain.  It's an incredible occurance.  It's amazing how fast you're transformed from one place to the next.  And sometimes it's only for a second. 
The smell of fresh cut grass does this to me every now and then.  Breathe deep.  Now I'm at Caruther's Park and I'm 10 years old playing softball.
Jasmine is summer.  Vanilla is home.  In times likes this... I love.
I've always said I wish I could "take a picture" of a smell.  Is that weird?
But the list does go on and on.  I can't even predict sometimes which smell will transport me, or when it will happen.    
Just sitting at Panera I smelled a cologne.  And all of a sudden, and without warning, I have someone else in my thoughts.  It's times like this... I hate.  Get out of my head.

End of Missing

As I sat at the airport waiting for my luggage, I thought of how many times I've done this before.  Countless.  I travel so much.  And most times while I'm sitting there, waiting for the alarm to buzz, and the conveyor belt to start moving, I am just thinking of how exhausted I am, and how much I want to get to the next destination.  And yet... every once in awhile I see something that hits the emotional button.  It's that reunion.  You know, when someone is waiting for their loved one to arrive?  And finally the eyes meet, maybe they run at eachother, then the embrace.  It gets me every time.  It's so pure.  I saw an older couple waiting just outside the security barrier, peering down the hallway, on their tip toes, trying to catch the first glimpse.  "Is that her? I think I see her..."  I saw two sisters run to hug the third, eyes watering, jumping up and down in excitement.  I love seeing this.  I want to experience this.
I can't help but think of this quote I heard once.  It pretty much sums it up. 

"I like to see people reunited, maybe that's a silly thing, but what can I say, I like to see people run into each other, I like the kissing and the crying, I like the impatience, the stories that the mouth can't tell fast enough, the ears that aren't big enough, the eyes that can't take in all of the change, I like the hugging, the bringing together, the end of missing someone..."
— Jonathan Safran Foer

The Sting

This has been a shitty week.  Coming off the high of Easter... Death... Oh, where is your sting?  It was a slap in the face.  Sting?  You want sting?  Here it is... Monday.  My very good friend and co-worker died on Monday.  I've been a wreck all week. 

I don't know even know where to begin here.  I don't have anything to compare this to.  I've never felt this before.  Steve just turned 28 last week.  How can he be gone now?  It's a very surreal feeling.  Like he'll be walking up behind me as I type this, just to say hi.  I've written about him a few times before.  He has seriously been my number one encouragement for the past few years.  He had an infectious smile and laugh.  He was simply positive.  All the time. 

I'm taking it pretty hard.  I know it's selfish, but I wish I could've seen him in the hospital.  I understand why I wasn't allowed to... and I am so grateful for his messages to me, giving me updates.  I got a text from him Saturday afternoon saying he was sorry he hadn't responded to my many calls and texts, but that he was working on an email.  I told him it was okay, I just wanted him to know I was thinking about him.  The email never came out.

I'm heartbroken.  I just don't understand any of it. 

Then Tuesday was another blow.  Tuesday one of my best friends had a miscarriage.  And I didn't handle that very well either.  They'd been trying to get pregnant for awhile, and finally shared the news with us a few weeks ago.  At that point she was only about 6 weeks in... So it was still very new.  But it was exciting.  A new adventure.  They were having trouble at the doctor on Tuesday, and she was giving me the play by play.  I had a bad feeling about it... and then I got the message about the miscarriage and i lost it. 
I've been struggling a lot lately with the concept of prayer. I believe in the power of prayer, I know that God hears it... I'm just... I don't know... I guess I just am having a hard time knowing that it makes a difference. I think God is going to do what He's gonna do... Doctor's will do what they can do... things happen. I don't think I am going to change it. I'm beginning to think that prayer is not to change things, but to make me different about things. And praying for someone doesn't necessarily mean things are going to change... but that I can not do anything else! I have no power, and prayer is acknowledging that.

So, yes.  It's been a shitty week.  And kind of a shitty year.  Pretty ready to move on to a new adventure.   I had lunch with a friend today, who is a mentor to me.  She told me people matter.  Work doesn't matter.  People matter.   Trust my instincts.  Do things in order to live without regret.  I have nothing to lose. 

"We are intrepid. We carry on"

Rawr

Yes.... this is a new character for me.  I drew him out of my work frustration.  I like him.  He's cute.  Now, I should name him.

Words

Conan O'Brien Kinetic Typography from Jacob Gilbreath on Vimeo.

I do like this.

Also -
Where is the line between being loyal and being taken advantage of?