Damn you acetycholine receptor antibodies.
It's been a bad couple weeks. Slurred speech and everything. After months of feeling fantastic, and cutting down on meds big time... this one hit hard.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Cha cha cha chaaaaanges
Friday was a big day.
My company has been going through a lot of difficulty this past year. It's been really hard to sit outside my boss's office and hear him slowly lose the fight. It seems he's become calloused to the loss of clients... I know this can't be true. But how much fight can you put into the same phone call saying yet another client is breaking contract. When it's all there is... you fight.
So. Friday was a big day. I've been hearing things for a long time. There have been meetings. Shareholders have been on the move. Things were happening. Friday, the bomb dropped. 13 layoffs. This coming after 3 people were fired the month before. And a good half dozen people have quit in the past 6 months. We're at scary low numbers here. And somehow I'm still around.
I went to talk to my boss the night before, and told him I knew things were going down. He just said it was going to be a hard day. I told him I'd be there early.
So things started happening right at 8am. People were crying. I think there was a lot of confusion from all the newbies. Every time I heard footsteps I got a little uneasy. I had to go to the bathroom, but I was afraid to leave my desk.
My roommate knew she would probably get chopped. I had my hopes she wouldn't. She never made it a secret that she wanted to move and/or not work there anymore. This gave good reason. My roommate was one of the ones to go.
13 people. Some with 7, 8, 10 years with the firm. It could have easily been me.
So today we went back to work. Today was a little eerie. A little ghostly. Definitely after-math.
We'll see what tomorrow brings.
I'm getting a little scared.
My company has been going through a lot of difficulty this past year. It's been really hard to sit outside my boss's office and hear him slowly lose the fight. It seems he's become calloused to the loss of clients... I know this can't be true. But how much fight can you put into the same phone call saying yet another client is breaking contract. When it's all there is... you fight.
So. Friday was a big day. I've been hearing things for a long time. There have been meetings. Shareholders have been on the move. Things were happening. Friday, the bomb dropped. 13 layoffs. This coming after 3 people were fired the month before. And a good half dozen people have quit in the past 6 months. We're at scary low numbers here. And somehow I'm still around.
I went to talk to my boss the night before, and told him I knew things were going down. He just said it was going to be a hard day. I told him I'd be there early.
So things started happening right at 8am. People were crying. I think there was a lot of confusion from all the newbies. Every time I heard footsteps I got a little uneasy. I had to go to the bathroom, but I was afraid to leave my desk.
My roommate knew she would probably get chopped. I had my hopes she wouldn't. She never made it a secret that she wanted to move and/or not work there anymore. This gave good reason. My roommate was one of the ones to go.
13 people. Some with 7, 8, 10 years with the firm. It could have easily been me.
So today we went back to work. Today was a little eerie. A little ghostly. Definitely after-math.
We'll see what tomorrow brings.
I'm getting a little scared.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Just For Me
I've had a rough few weeks. Lately I've been feeling like all my relationships are falling apart. Just crumbling. And I really have not done too much to stop this from happening. I haven't been pleasant... I know this. Something happens in my brain sometimes where I get really stressed out, and then I shut down. Or I build up how people should act towards me, and then when that doesn't happen I freak out, or get crazy frustrated. If the person is close to me, then I get very passive aggressive. I pretend like everything is fine, but I make backhanded remarks. Or I ignore completely. The past few days has been a combination of this and just flat out paranoia. I got scared because several friends cancelled plans all about the same time. Communication with the other friends have had been minimal or nonexistent. And then I doubt everything. Doubt is dangerous. Maybe it's fear. And you know what Yoda says, right? Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. Sigh.
And then... after much debate, I went to RH by myself. And the message was about Learning Contentment. And not just in finances or life situations (which is really what I always associate contentment with, not sure why)... but also with relationships. Knowledge bomb!
So what was said is that sometimes you feel frustrated in relationships because you expect certain things from people. You expect to be treated a certain way. He also said that when we are not content, it usually means we are not content with God. Because ultimately all things come from him, right? And when we are not satisfied with something, it's like we're saying we're not satisfied with God.
Yes... I think I need to change my attitude towards people. Because yes, I do get frustrated very easily when I feel like I deserve something, and people are not living up to that expectation. It happens more than I would like to admit. And what I think is being said is that this person that I'm frustrated with, doesn't really owe me anything... that my frustrations are built up from my own expectations.
But... here's my problem. Shouldn't I expect to be treated with respect? Shouldn't I expect reciprocation in relationships? Or is this just me justifying my frustrations? I am really torn about this. Because obviously not every relationship is perfect every second of every day. You hit rough patches, you get through it... But you can't let people take advantage of you. You can't just give all, and say you don't deserve anything in return. Or should you? The pastor went on to read a poem about dying to self. And then I think, wow. Yep. I guess I shouldn't care how others treat me.
Is this really what God wants for me? I'm confused.
Also -
This choked me up...
And then... after much debate, I went to RH by myself. And the message was about Learning Contentment. And not just in finances or life situations (which is really what I always associate contentment with, not sure why)... but also with relationships. Knowledge bomb!
So what was said is that sometimes you feel frustrated in relationships because you expect certain things from people. You expect to be treated a certain way. He also said that when we are not content, it usually means we are not content with God. Because ultimately all things come from him, right? And when we are not satisfied with something, it's like we're saying we're not satisfied with God.
Yes... I think I need to change my attitude towards people. Because yes, I do get frustrated very easily when I feel like I deserve something, and people are not living up to that expectation. It happens more than I would like to admit. And what I think is being said is that this person that I'm frustrated with, doesn't really owe me anything... that my frustrations are built up from my own expectations.
But... here's my problem. Shouldn't I expect to be treated with respect? Shouldn't I expect reciprocation in relationships? Or is this just me justifying my frustrations? I am really torn about this. Because obviously not every relationship is perfect every second of every day. You hit rough patches, you get through it... But you can't let people take advantage of you. You can't just give all, and say you don't deserve anything in return. Or should you? The pastor went on to read a poem about dying to self. And then I think, wow. Yep. I guess I shouldn't care how others treat me.
Is this really what God wants for me? I'm confused.
Also -
This choked me up...
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Here we go again
A lot has happened in the past 48 hours. It's funny how you can go through days, weeks, months without feeling like anything is happening, and then bam! it hits in like a matter of hours.
Well... let's hit the biggies only. That will save typing, and help me remember only the things that really matter.
Yesterday... well, 2 days ago? since it's after midnight... was a questionmark? So this guy, who I've known for awhile since we kinda hang out in the same group, asked me to dinner. And the whole time I was thinking, it's nothing... but I kept getting the word from our mutual friends that yes, he's into you... it's definitely a date. And the sis has already taken notice that this guy seems to be interested, and then has proceeded to lay on the pressure to pursue it. So anyway... let's just say it didn't go so well. Highlights, or lowlights depending on how you look at it, are he didn't open doors or let me walk in front, or even sit before him. And even if this wasn't a date, (which it's beginning to look more and more like it wasn't, and I think I'm okay with that) a gentleman should still do these things for a girl. Is this old fashioned? Sometimes I get weirded out by a guy that is super over the top about this, but I do appreciate it. I've been spoiled. Even my guy friends do this. I expect a lot. Anyway... back to the highlights. He talked about ex-girlfriends a lot. He, as my sister termed, had a classic case of first "date" TMI spewing. Nervous babble. I on the other hand was not nervous at all. Probably telling.
He did pay, which was nice. I offered but he said no no no. (I did order 2 beers to his 1, is this a faux pas?) And finally, after paying the bill, he proceeded to text for awhile while I just sat there staring off into space. We were going to see my bestfriend's band play after. He finished up his text and said, alright, well, I'm going to the bathroom, wanna just meet there? ..... ?
I had been thinking we'd ride together over there, but apparantly that's not what was going through his brain.
Well, on the bright side, I got to see my friends play good music.
The Devious Means are fantastic. :) Maybe I'm bias... but... I dig 'em, and I firmly believe everyone else should too, because The Meanies are coming!
And finally... the brother. I don't know why this is happening. All I can say is it's happening on schedule it seems. "Four" came home from a wedding in Montana this past weekend not feeling so good. He told us his symptoms and we thought... hmmm... interesting... very similar to what "One" had when she was diagnosed with Diabetes. Nah... it's probably nothing. Tonight he went over to "One"'s to test his blood sugar. He was 366 and normal is between 90 and 120. It looks like it's still Type 1 diabetes (commonly known as Juvenile Diabetes), which can still develop in adults well into their 30s and 40s (according to "One", our in house Diabetes expert). I got the MG when I was 25. "Three" got Lupus when she was 26, "Four" turns 24 next month. So it seems to be right on schedule doesn't it? I have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow. Gonna try and get him in to see an endocrinologist, and then he'll probably get admitted to the hospital. If no doc, then probably ER, and then hospital. Maybe this will get me out of work on Friday? Well... one day at a time. That's how we do this.
Well... let's hit the biggies only. That will save typing, and help me remember only the things that really matter.
Yesterday... well, 2 days ago? since it's after midnight... was a questionmark? So this guy, who I've known for awhile since we kinda hang out in the same group, asked me to dinner. And the whole time I was thinking, it's nothing... but I kept getting the word from our mutual friends that yes, he's into you... it's definitely a date. And the sis has already taken notice that this guy seems to be interested, and then has proceeded to lay on the pressure to pursue it. So anyway... let's just say it didn't go so well. Highlights, or lowlights depending on how you look at it, are he didn't open doors or let me walk in front, or even sit before him. And even if this wasn't a date, (which it's beginning to look more and more like it wasn't, and I think I'm okay with that) a gentleman should still do these things for a girl. Is this old fashioned? Sometimes I get weirded out by a guy that is super over the top about this, but I do appreciate it. I've been spoiled. Even my guy friends do this. I expect a lot. Anyway... back to the highlights. He talked about ex-girlfriends a lot. He, as my sister termed, had a classic case of first "date" TMI spewing. Nervous babble. I on the other hand was not nervous at all. Probably telling.
He did pay, which was nice. I offered but he said no no no. (I did order 2 beers to his 1, is this a faux pas?) And finally, after paying the bill, he proceeded to text for awhile while I just sat there staring off into space. We were going to see my bestfriend's band play after. He finished up his text and said, alright, well, I'm going to the bathroom, wanna just meet there? ..... ?
I had been thinking we'd ride together over there, but apparantly that's not what was going through his brain.
Well, on the bright side, I got to see my friends play good music.
The Devious Means are fantastic. :) Maybe I'm bias... but... I dig 'em, and I firmly believe everyone else should too, because The Meanies are coming!
And finally... the brother. I don't know why this is happening. All I can say is it's happening on schedule it seems. "Four" came home from a wedding in Montana this past weekend not feeling so good. He told us his symptoms and we thought... hmmm... interesting... very similar to what "One" had when she was diagnosed with Diabetes. Nah... it's probably nothing. Tonight he went over to "One"'s to test his blood sugar. He was 366 and normal is between 90 and 120. It looks like it's still Type 1 diabetes (commonly known as Juvenile Diabetes), which can still develop in adults well into their 30s and 40s (according to "One", our in house Diabetes expert). I got the MG when I was 25. "Three" got Lupus when she was 26, "Four" turns 24 next month. So it seems to be right on schedule doesn't it? I have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow. Gonna try and get him in to see an endocrinologist, and then he'll probably get admitted to the hospital. If no doc, then probably ER, and then hospital. Maybe this will get me out of work on Friday? Well... one day at a time. That's how we do this.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Alone
And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.
And I will die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.
I feel this may be true. Lately I've been pretty depressed about the dating scene. I feel like I've tapped out all my resources. Even my friends are asking their friends, or people that know me. Here is one response one of my friends received:
"I have two problems with that. 1) Almost every guy I spend time with is married (one of the last options is engaged), and 2) I never think the guys I know are good enough for the girls I think are cool. *A* fits that category. However, I will attempt to keep an eye out for this good guy that we hope for her to find."
The problem with this "she's too cool" mentality is that if everyone thinks that... I still end up alone. Please don't want this for me.
I'm frustrated.
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.
And I will die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.
I feel this may be true. Lately I've been pretty depressed about the dating scene. I feel like I've tapped out all my resources. Even my friends are asking their friends, or people that know me. Here is one response one of my friends received:
"I have two problems with that. 1) Almost every guy I spend time with is married (one of the last options is engaged), and 2) I never think the guys I know are good enough for the girls I think are cool. *A* fits that category. However, I will attempt to keep an eye out for this good guy that we hope for her to find."
The problem with this "she's too cool" mentality is that if everyone thinks that... I still end up alone. Please don't want this for me.
I'm frustrated.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Damn the Masses
I read a blog the other day that hit on so much of what has been going through my mind the past few months. And if I'm being honest, it's been going through my head the past few years. I have several friends that are feeling this same way. And I think it's very interesting that even though we're all in different places, and have vastly different backgrounds, we have all come to a very similar conclusion. Why is that? What happened? Some of what is written below comes from that blog, but all was inspired by it. Happy to finally get some thoughts written out.
It really did just happen this way. Not intentional at all.
I'm tired of being a Christian. It seems like a past life. When I wore the bracelets, and had the stickers on my car, and bought the hype. Now I look back and think, wow, I fell victim to the commercialization of Christ.
I'm tired of being a Christian. I'm tired of what that means today. This word seems to be something to be ashamed of, not because of who we follow, but because of who also claims this title. I am tired of being a Christian, and God tells me, “It’s just a name. It’s just a label. And I have given you a new name. I am calling you Mine.” But you don’t just go around telling people that, now do you? Because the Christian title is one worn with great pride and at great cost. It is protected by many. It is even culturally relevant, accepted, assumed. When the masses are carrying the current a certain direction it’s pretty hard to feel like the right thing for you to do is to swim against the flow of status quo.
The problem for me really comes down to the definition of Christian. And my definition is obviously skewed and slanted and messy and disfigured. I can’t hold onto a title that I’ve been asked to honor, when the title is leaving me bitter and angry and lying to myself. People screw things up. And it's hard to get past that.
I am, oddly enough, not tired of Christ. I am in awe of the story of a rebel with a cause. A great cause. A cause that refused to be muddled up by the preconceptions of what it “should” be. I am in awe of the Creator of all things. And despite my insignificance, I am in great conversation with a God who seems to know my name and my heart far greater than I have ever given Him credit for. I am in shock that my religion has kept me so far from Him. And even more in shock that I was absolutely sure for years that I knew Him because I knew the rules of my religion.
This idea has been slowly forming for me in the past few years. I am grateful for the foundation that I have. It has shaped me, and given me solid basis for who I am and what I want to be. I don't think I would change it. But things happened and cynicism kicks in. I started to question the reason behind why we're doing some things, why we're told to believe certain things. What it really comes down to is Love. Seems simple enough. People matter. Love matters.
I'm tired of being a Christian if being a Christian means needing to give an explanation for every action I take.
I'm tired of being a Christian if being a Christian means that everything fits in to some neat little box, where we pretend nothing is ever wrong.
I'm tired of being a Christian if being a Christian is topical and glazes over important issues.
Every single day of my life is unpaved territory, and I’m being led by an unsafe (yet good) God who delights in mystery, wonder, the unexpected and JOY and He sure as hell doesn’t wrap everything up with a nice neat little bow for me. He lets me wrestle with my questions for as long as it takes. And you know what? I really like that about Him. He has far less problems with my imperfections than I do, and He refuses to make me be something I'm not. There is hope.
It really did just happen this way. Not intentional at all.
I'm tired of being a Christian. It seems like a past life. When I wore the bracelets, and had the stickers on my car, and bought the hype. Now I look back and think, wow, I fell victim to the commercialization of Christ.
I'm tired of being a Christian. I'm tired of what that means today. This word seems to be something to be ashamed of, not because of who we follow, but because of who also claims this title. I am tired of being a Christian, and God tells me, “It’s just a name. It’s just a label. And I have given you a new name. I am calling you Mine.” But you don’t just go around telling people that, now do you? Because the Christian title is one worn with great pride and at great cost. It is protected by many. It is even culturally relevant, accepted, assumed. When the masses are carrying the current a certain direction it’s pretty hard to feel like the right thing for you to do is to swim against the flow of status quo.
The problem for me really comes down to the definition of Christian. And my definition is obviously skewed and slanted and messy and disfigured. I can’t hold onto a title that I’ve been asked to honor, when the title is leaving me bitter and angry and lying to myself. People screw things up. And it's hard to get past that.
I am, oddly enough, not tired of Christ. I am in awe of the story of a rebel with a cause. A great cause. A cause that refused to be muddled up by the preconceptions of what it “should” be. I am in awe of the Creator of all things. And despite my insignificance, I am in great conversation with a God who seems to know my name and my heart far greater than I have ever given Him credit for. I am in shock that my religion has kept me so far from Him. And even more in shock that I was absolutely sure for years that I knew Him because I knew the rules of my religion.
This idea has been slowly forming for me in the past few years. I am grateful for the foundation that I have. It has shaped me, and given me solid basis for who I am and what I want to be. I don't think I would change it. But things happened and cynicism kicks in. I started to question the reason behind why we're doing some things, why we're told to believe certain things. What it really comes down to is Love. Seems simple enough. People matter. Love matters.
I'm tired of being a Christian if being a Christian means needing to give an explanation for every action I take.
I'm tired of being a Christian if being a Christian means that everything fits in to some neat little box, where we pretend nothing is ever wrong.
I'm tired of being a Christian if being a Christian is topical and glazes over important issues.
Every single day of my life is unpaved territory, and I’m being led by an unsafe (yet good) God who delights in mystery, wonder, the unexpected and JOY and He sure as hell doesn’t wrap everything up with a nice neat little bow for me. He lets me wrestle with my questions for as long as it takes. And you know what? I really like that about Him. He has far less problems with my imperfections than I do, and He refuses to make me be something I'm not. There is hope.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Worst, Best, Real.
Yesterday I had one of the most horrible days I've had in a long time. It started the night before actually. I have been working up in downtown LA for the past week or so, and I've been taking the train up. Which I'm actually a huge fan of. The only problem is that I need to be on the train at 6:12am. That's right... early. It's still dark out when I drive over to the station. Anyway... the early mornings may wear on my sanity at times.
So, on Thursday the manager of my job was planning to come out into the field and I suggested he take the train. He agreed and we coordinated times. This in itself wasn't so bad. I should probably give some background though. I used to call this guy my friend. I wouldn't say that anymore. He's done some pretty shitty things in the past year. Things I find it hard to overlook. So to begin with I wasn't looking forward to this day. Anyway, back to the horrible day. He texted me Wednesday night to say that he was actually going to drive because he had to run an errand in LA after work, but that he could pick me up at the train station at 6:10, we could carpool downtown together, and I could train home. For some reason I agreed to this. He then texted and asked me to text him in the morning to make sure he was awake at 5:25. I replied "set an alarm". I was already not looking forward to this day, but this was the moment when I began to boil. Seriously? You're an adult. You should be able to handle waking up.
So 5:11 hits, I press snooze. 5:21 hits and I get out of bed. I had a brief thought to actually text, but decided not to on principle. I am out the door by 6:05, and at the station at 6:10 and begin to walk to where he was going to pick me up. At 6:11 I got a text that said, "Smidty, my phone has been going in and out and the alarm turned off. I'll be there in 20". Sigh. Okay. So I just wait. It's still dark out at this point. I take a seat on one of the planters and wait. I figure the next train is a half hour later, but he should be there before that. I made friends with the station agent. I made friends with some construction workers. They kept checking in on me. Still here huh? Hasn't shown up yet huh? One of them said, "I hope this isn't a date. If it is, he's failing big time." I assured them it was not. The next train came and went. I had texted to see if I should get on that, no response. 50 minutes from the initial text, and the 20 minute warning, he shows up. He apologized at this point and promised to buy me lunch, but I was pretty huffy and didn't let him off the hook right away. And by this time the 5 has become a parking lot, even in the carpool lane. Actually, it seems every north or west bound freeways in all of Southern California had become a parking lot. So, we sat in traffic. He hoed and hawed the whole ride about traffic. He tried to make small talk. I didn't oblige I gave short answers. I've already resolved from past experience that I did not need or want to be friends with him. And that I would only talk about work related issues with him. But he kept asking about my life, therefore, short answers were needed. He cussed out cars that were following to closely, or that may have cut him off.
We got to the client by 9am, and by this point I'd already been up since 5ish. The rest of the day we bickered back and forth. There was underlying hostility and we both knew it. He decided to change his plans and ran his errand at lunch time. So, instead of buying me lunch, I ate alone.
I took the train home as planned, despite his request for me to drive home with him. I stayed later than I had planned and I was exhausted. On top of all this, my client sucks. My staff didn't show up. I feel useless.
I cried on the train ride home. I didn't mean to it just happened. When I get tired I get emotional and when my eyes get tired they water. It's not a sobbing real cry with all the emotions tied to it. It's just tears streaming down my face, and it can't be stopped. I think I worried the guy sitting across from me.
I had been updating my roommate of the happenings all day. She, of all people, understands the loathing, and how awful this day was. Even though it was my night to make dinner, she offered. It was fantastic. And she got me presents. She got us December chocolate calendars. You know, those calendars you open once a day in December counting down the days to Christmas? She got me Pumpkin butter! :) She knows I love the pumpkin. AND she got us Golden Spoon for dessert and we watched Sex and the City 2. Best roomie award for sure.
sigh.
I'm beginning to realize that certain people bring out the worst in me. Yesterday's guy glaringly stands out these days. When I'm around him I become bitter and mean. And I am normally not like that at all. I wonder why that is. And it's not that I can't help it. I think I can actually. When I'm with him I WANT to be mean. I don't feel like he's done anything to deserve my favor. I know I'm supposed to love all, but he makes it difficult. I don't like who I become when I'm with him.
So if someone brings out the worst in me, there is probably someone that brings out the best in me as well. Right? I was thinking about this last night. I was thinking about marriage, and how it's usually said that the person you marry should bring out the best in you. And I'm not sure I'm totally on board with this. Can you always be your best? I mean, I think there are moments of course. But we're obviously going to fail. It's life. I think we should be looking for a person you are real with. I'm not sure that person comes around all too often. I think that person is the rarity. The one in a million. And then with the real comes the soaring to greatness, comes the highs but also the lows. This is the person to go through life with.
Perhaps I make no sense. Today was a long one. Worst... Best... Real.
So, on Thursday the manager of my job was planning to come out into the field and I suggested he take the train. He agreed and we coordinated times. This in itself wasn't so bad. I should probably give some background though. I used to call this guy my friend. I wouldn't say that anymore. He's done some pretty shitty things in the past year. Things I find it hard to overlook. So to begin with I wasn't looking forward to this day. Anyway, back to the horrible day. He texted me Wednesday night to say that he was actually going to drive because he had to run an errand in LA after work, but that he could pick me up at the train station at 6:10, we could carpool downtown together, and I could train home. For some reason I agreed to this. He then texted and asked me to text him in the morning to make sure he was awake at 5:25. I replied "set an alarm". I was already not looking forward to this day, but this was the moment when I began to boil. Seriously? You're an adult. You should be able to handle waking up.
So 5:11 hits, I press snooze. 5:21 hits and I get out of bed. I had a brief thought to actually text, but decided not to on principle. I am out the door by 6:05, and at the station at 6:10 and begin to walk to where he was going to pick me up. At 6:11 I got a text that said, "Smidty, my phone has been going in and out and the alarm turned off. I'll be there in 20". Sigh. Okay. So I just wait. It's still dark out at this point. I take a seat on one of the planters and wait. I figure the next train is a half hour later, but he should be there before that. I made friends with the station agent. I made friends with some construction workers. They kept checking in on me. Still here huh? Hasn't shown up yet huh? One of them said, "I hope this isn't a date. If it is, he's failing big time." I assured them it was not. The next train came and went. I had texted to see if I should get on that, no response. 50 minutes from the initial text, and the 20 minute warning, he shows up. He apologized at this point and promised to buy me lunch, but I was pretty huffy and didn't let him off the hook right away. And by this time the 5 has become a parking lot, even in the carpool lane. Actually, it seems every north or west bound freeways in all of Southern California had become a parking lot. So, we sat in traffic. He hoed and hawed the whole ride about traffic. He tried to make small talk. I didn't oblige I gave short answers. I've already resolved from past experience that I did not need or want to be friends with him. And that I would only talk about work related issues with him. But he kept asking about my life, therefore, short answers were needed. He cussed out cars that were following to closely, or that may have cut him off.
We got to the client by 9am, and by this point I'd already been up since 5ish. The rest of the day we bickered back and forth. There was underlying hostility and we both knew it. He decided to change his plans and ran his errand at lunch time. So, instead of buying me lunch, I ate alone.
I took the train home as planned, despite his request for me to drive home with him. I stayed later than I had planned and I was exhausted. On top of all this, my client sucks. My staff didn't show up. I feel useless.
I cried on the train ride home. I didn't mean to it just happened. When I get tired I get emotional and when my eyes get tired they water. It's not a sobbing real cry with all the emotions tied to it. It's just tears streaming down my face, and it can't be stopped. I think I worried the guy sitting across from me.
I had been updating my roommate of the happenings all day. She, of all people, understands the loathing, and how awful this day was. Even though it was my night to make dinner, she offered. It was fantastic. And she got me presents. She got us December chocolate calendars. You know, those calendars you open once a day in December counting down the days to Christmas? She got me Pumpkin butter! :) She knows I love the pumpkin. AND she got us Golden Spoon for dessert and we watched Sex and the City 2. Best roomie award for sure.
sigh.
I'm beginning to realize that certain people bring out the worst in me. Yesterday's guy glaringly stands out these days. When I'm around him I become bitter and mean. And I am normally not like that at all. I wonder why that is. And it's not that I can't help it. I think I can actually. When I'm with him I WANT to be mean. I don't feel like he's done anything to deserve my favor. I know I'm supposed to love all, but he makes it difficult. I don't like who I become when I'm with him.
So if someone brings out the worst in me, there is probably someone that brings out the best in me as well. Right? I was thinking about this last night. I was thinking about marriage, and how it's usually said that the person you marry should bring out the best in you. And I'm not sure I'm totally on board with this. Can you always be your best? I mean, I think there are moments of course. But we're obviously going to fail. It's life. I think we should be looking for a person you are real with. I'm not sure that person comes around all too often. I think that person is the rarity. The one in a million. And then with the real comes the soaring to greatness, comes the highs but also the lows. This is the person to go through life with.
Perhaps I make no sense. Today was a long one. Worst... Best... Real.
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